After a month of wins, I’m in a bad place

I could use some advice or encouragement. I made it 33 days without a genuinely bad ocd day. Every day was hard and almost a constant battle, but I was winning those battles and refraining from going into my ocd stories for the most part. Then yesterday, after a great morning, I got triggered and decided I needed to engage an ocd story I have about the possibility that I harmed someone through negligence two years ago. I had dealt with this fear before and decided it was ocd, but it tricked me into considering it yesterday, and I spent about seven hours off and on going over the same details, trying to reassure myself I was okay. When my wife came home and I told her how bad I had done she just gave me a blank expression. I think after sixteen years of dealing with my ocd, she’s out of sympathy. But she was disappointed, I could tell. So was I. I feel so ashamed of having given in to rumination. But I still feel anxious that I need to “figure it out.” I’m just so tired of this disorder. I want to be well. I want to be my old funny self. I want to talk to people and laugh. I’m scared I’ll never get better and that I’ve ruined my kids’ lives by neglecting them to obsess. I feel so tired, alone, depressed, and hopeless.

Username: zyanyazyanya

Date posted: 48w ago

I've experienced this many times when things go well one moment and then turn sour again. I understand that it feels awful and depressing right now, but in hindsight, feelings fade, and unfortunately, happiness is one of them. Being too harsh on yourself will only make you feel worse, so you have to learn to live with uncertainty. It's okay that it tricked you again; you just need to remind yourself of the techniques that have worked for you in the past. Remember, you might have done it or you might not have; in any case, move on, honey badger don’t care! we've seen this trick before. Don't let one more piece of slickness from ocd bring you down it’s a scam and you can overcome this (: <3

Username: MelaninMoet MelaninMoet

Date posted: 48w ago

I have these same thoughts.. people feeling impatient with me because of thoughts that I felt deep enough to have to express and explain. I get it.. but honestly, we should be patient with others too.. because no matter how our issues make other people feel, we CANT HELP but have the frustrations of intrusive thoughts and feelings can be unreasonable but we FEEL THEM. I can’t imagine how much it confuses people that just want to love you how to help you with something so frustrating. I really doubt this issue isn’t big enough to make her give up on you after 16 years. I’m sure her cup just runs dry sometimes. Do NOT let your OCD win. You ARE okay. Your marriage is strong.. you have someone that knows you, gave you children and loves you despite how you can run low on loving yourself. You ARE okay. Do something with the kids/family that lets them know you’re not spiraling enough to be a part of the family. If you can, please try exposure therapy to help with this. You’re loved, and DEFINITELY NOT ALONE.

Username: MelissaJohnson12MelissaJohns...

Date posted: 48w ago

hey, i get how tough this can feel, especially after a good streak that got broken. 👊 remember, it's not about perfection but it's about progress, and even though you stumbled, your effort and determination shines through. by the way, have you heard about this new AI-powered OCD therapy tool called 'unstuck?' it was recommended to me by my NOCD therapist when i was in a similar situation. it's a free tool (unstuckmyocd.com/try) that gives personalized step-by-step progress charting, which i think will be especially helpful for you since it seems like you're dealing with a lot of pressure and guilt about potential harm and "needing to figure it out." i hate when people promote stuff, but i really think it can help you because it's changed my life. lmk if you have qs or just want to talk more! <3

Username: zale

Date posted: 1y ago

Isolation

Feeling a little despondent because I had been doing better for a few weeks, making some progress and experiencing less anxiety, but I had a bad flare this past weekend after a stressful week and now I feel like I'm back where I was a month ago and that I'll never get any better than this. I think the worst part is that it feels so isolating. I can't really talk to my friends about it because they don't have OCD and don't understand, and I feel like I'm just burdening them with crazy nonsense and alienating them because they can't relate to anything I talk about anymore. I can't talk to my family because they're tired of having to live with me and fed up with me not making any substantial progress, and me talking about my OCD just makes them angry because it means I haven't been working hard enough to get better and I should be over it by now. It's worse now that I gave them the false hope that I was doing better, but every time I relapse I let them down and they're running out of patience to deal with me. I am an emotional and financial burden to my family and I contribute nothing in return. I can barely leave the house, I'm almost 38 years old and I've never had a real job or any interests outside of my obsessions. My family is pretty much the only thing I have going for me and if I don't get better NOW, my behavior will push them away too. I see people younger than me getting help for OCD and I feel like it's just too late, this disorder is all I'll ever be and I'll never be able to recover and have an identity outside of it. I am seeing a therapist but no matter how much they tell me I'm working hard or making progress, I just can't see it and I'm sure they'll give up on me soon.

Username: Twistedopher

Date posted: 1y ago

Feeling so hopeless.

I have been on therapy twice a week for a month now. I am apparently a hard case to think up exposures for. I have done 2 and they seemed so pointless. I need some encouragement bad but I'm not suppose to get reassurance from anyone. It's a very tough situation. My family needs me back so bad. My children, and wife are watching me suffer. It's been a year and I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been diagnosed with OCD for as long as I can remember, but it's all thoughts. Thoughts of never getting over this extreme anxiety and depression. So I never see stories that I can relate to when it comes to OCD.

Username: noneuclidean

Date posted: 1y ago

Discouraged and tired of fighting

I just need to vent. I feel so bad I want to cry but I’m at work. Yesterday I got triggered at work and left half way through the day, went home, and ruminated for five hours alone. I cried in the bathroom for an hour. I’m so tired of getting triggered a thousand times a day. I’m tired of making the same mistakes. I’m tired of resisting the ocd. I’m tired of living. I’m tired of watching my children age and neglecting them and my wife so I can hide in the bathroom and think about the same “real event” from ten years ago. I’ve wasted ten years of my life on this. Ten years. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing but thousands of hours with my family that I’ll never get back. But does that mean I see the futility of ruminating? Does that mean I won’t waste another hour thinking about this event? Nope. Part of me still feels the pull. Ocd is so like a terrible addiction. I keep doing the thing I don’t want to do. I’m in therapy with a great ocd specialist. I’m on medication. I’ve read tons of books. I’ve listened to hundreds of hours of podcasts. Watched hours of lectures on ocd. Spent two months at an ocd treatment facility. I know what I need to do. Am I so weak that I can’t do it? Am I just pitying myself? Am I just scared to get better? What’s wrong with me? I just want to curl into a ball and ruminate all day everyday. At the same time that sounds literally like hell. God have mercy.

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After a month of wins, I’m in a bad place

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