- Date posted
- 1y
Maybe doing solo ERP wasn’t the best idea
I tried doing ERP and recorded a loop of me saying “I’m bisexual” to try and sit through the discomfort. I did a loop like this a few years ago with my former NOCD therapist and cried. This round I didn’t feel anxious and that made me anxious. I felt calm and that terrified me. I ended up engaging in compulsions, my body feels hot, and I ended up crying. It feels too real. I know that it’s a thought and thoughts are not facts and the goal of ERP is to sit with the thoughts. Maybe it wasn’t wise to start with an exposure like that without a therapist. I had one session last month and I’m just afraid to start again. I’m not sure if I connected with the new therapist and it’s scary being vulnerable with a new therapist. I am afraid what if this time it’s different? I am afraid what if there is “new evidence” and it’s not OCD. What if I’m in denial and using OCD as a coverup? What if I discover I really am bisexual? There’s nothing wrong, but it’s not what I envision for myself. What if I’ve been purposely making myself disgusted? I’ve read all the OCD fears and of course I have OCD. I have done the OCDLA HOCD quiz 30 times, and I have HOCD. It just feels so real, especially with the new thoughts that keep generating through the endless compulsions. I feel like all my compulsions, mental checking, reassurances have brought more damage than comfort. It feels like all the words I said to fight against OCD are now powerless. It’s added more confusion. The thoughts are distorted and feel real. I miss my old self, I know doing guided ERP is going to be hard. I’m going to Mexico for three weeks today and I’m dreading it. I am going because I don’t want to miss being with my parents due to OCD. I just miss my attraction to men, it’s still there. I don’t want to be with a woman sexually or romantically. I know I haven’t changed. But it feels so real. I have missed important milestones, such as Christmas, my dad’s 80th birthday to this. I’ve been homebound, I’m scared of being around people, I only watch nature shows or Anthony Bourdain when I’m not feeling as triggered. I live in the Bay Area and have been surrounded by queer people and wasn’t triggered even after doing ERP a few years ago. I was able to interact with people of all walks of life and go to bars and restaurants and concerts. I was able to live a semi-normal life, go on dates with guys, travel and stay in hostels. I just fear what if this time it’s different. It’s so hard to let go and live with uncertainty. I hate how OCD tries to use my past against me and distort it. I need to stop doing compulsions, they have brought me to such a deep pit of confusion I feel so far off. I fear that if I let go of the thoughts, it means it’s true. But that’s the point of OCD recovery. I feel like being in fear and anxiety has kept me safe, and living with the uncertainty that maybe, maybe not is real scares me.