Feeling Helpless

I hate my hypochondria. I really fucking do. How am I supposed to tell the difference between my brain saying I’m going to die vs actually dying. It’s terrible. I feel so ashamed of myself because everyone thinks I’m an idiot for overreacting over such small things but I can’t help it. And now I’m obsessed with this lump on my vulva and I want to tell my mom about it so I can see an obgyn or something but it’s so hard because I feel embarrassed and I want to cry. I want to sob. This is all so humiliating, having my fucking brain focus on such things and it’s ironic how I always want to ask for reassurance about these things and show people but since it’s someone private I can’t do that!! Nope!! This is terrible! In my mind I have vulvar cancer and have up to 5 years, maybe more, to live— depending on how fast I get it checked out and what stage it’s at (according to google). I keep replaying my death over and over in my mind and it won’t stop I just need it to stop and the only way to do that is to tell my mom and get it checked out but that’s so awkward and embarrassing I feel so stuck even though I’m 18 I feel like an absolute child.

I just can’t help it. And you would think I’d be able to stop considering how much worse it makes me feel. I have Pains that come and go in my head. They are not stabbing that are just there. Sometimes they last all days sometimes they last 1 second and come and go throughout the day. The last few days oven been scared of brain tumors. So i looked it up again. And it says less than 1% of population develop cancerous tumors. However then i got reading about aneurysms. And it says that most people die within the first 25 minutes after a ruptured aneurysm. What the heck?!! What if i secretly have one? It says that aneurysm headaches are stabbing worst pain you could ever feel which my headaches are not. But what if i secretly have an aneurysm. It says they are caused by High blood pressure. Which i tend to have every time i go to Doctors ( i thought it was nerves, anxiety, being obese). What if i just wake up i. The middle of a night with a headache that brings me to my knees and it’s a ruptured aneurysm?? I’m more scared about this than a brain tumor. What am i doing to myself? Please help 😭😭😭

Sometimes i can say “this is an intrusive thought i dont need to worry about it) and move on. But sometimes it feels real. I cant tell whether i should listen to it or not. Ive been having headaches, jaw, and ear pain. I was scrolling through comments of a video on jaw pain and someone said they had felt the same and found out they had a tumor. Im terrified. I dont want to die and i dont want to sit in the hospital for days until im better. I have a feeling this one is better safe than sorry but i cant trust myself anymore. I have so many doctors appointments and my mom cant afford an mri or anything crazy like that and im so scared ill get really sick and the tumor will kill me