<(H-OCD)> Hey everyone. This was hard to write but we’re trying to help each other overcome these horrible phobias. So I’ve always had bad relationship with my father growing up. Where he used to beating me up so many times. I hated my life afterwards. These marks on my body and those harsh nasty words he said were running through my mind that i still remember from time to time. So I learned from a young age not to trust anyone. Even my own father!. So things never ended there. at school i would always get bullied or picked on for being the ‘nice guy’. i hated my life. In 2013 I suffered a huge panic attacks & anxiety from everyone. Oh..!and depression was knocking on my door. my only comfort zone were video games & pro wrestling. I remember how much i was ‘FORCED’ to stay at home and just play them. and wrestling was kinda that thing that i bonded with my brother growing up pretending to be undertaker & triple h. At the age of 12-13 every young boy is starting to notice things!. checking people & exploring his body!. Unfortunately i grew up in an extremely religious house. where I couldn’t even date until i turn 18. so being ‘Forced’ to stay home with my mom & 3 sister, i was afraid of watching straight/lesbian porn. because.... what if i did this or got some feelings or had some bad intentions towards my family. At 13, That’s when i discovered (GAY PORN) something new i can curiously explore & try. without feeling i could hurt or threat my family. I thought that was okay. I never knew it was gonna change my life. and I’d always be straight!. fast forward 6 years later today. i’ve been masturbating from (gay pornography) maybe several times a day... I hated my life. I HATED MY LIFE. I’m currently at college & have 0 friends. I’m always alone. I always blamed myself for all of this. I always pointed the fingers towards me being the bad guy. Until some magic happened few days ago I started an <(H-OCD)> therapy using (betterhelp) app (not advertising btw). At first i was skeptical and confused. i even asked for a refund on the 1st day. But after yesterday. I will never leave that app ever again. there was someone i could talk to who cared. Someone cared about me..! someone i can trust and tell what i’ve been through. It was truly big relief off my shoulders to tell someone everything happened to me. it was regenerative to feel like that. rejuvenating?. so what <(H-OCD)> means?. It’s that you’re afraid of being GAY or you are straight being afraid of being GAY or the opposite. and all the other sexual orientation!!!. it’s through your experiences and moments in life where you felt vulnerable to homophobic experiences & situations but in reality you ‘HATE’ to have to deal with it. i never held any emotional attachments for any men. again i was masturbating on (GAY PORN) I never fantasized men. it was just something I did to get rid of my erection in the middle of the night. and again i never watched straight/lesbian porn because of being ‘FORCED’ to stay at home with 4 women. and my dad was abusive & hard on me. :( I remember how much this effected me in my daily life to this day.! To this day in 2019 they are still hunting me anytime, anyplace, anywhere. my first selfie i ever took was in 2017,i was scared to look at the front camera and say ‘i love my self’ ‘I’m beautiful’ i was 17 at the time. i still have no friends. never had any relationships. never kissed a girl in my life. I don’t post anything on my ig, twitter & even sc. I always speak sheepishly. It’s extremely scary to walk into a group of people who are all friends and being afraid of just saying (hello) back to anyone. but with all of what happened to me in life! I will always be strong, straight HAPPY. who had his reasons on why he did what he thought was not wrong at the time. i’ve also started a new challenge!. No fab challenge 1-no masturbation 2-no GAY pornography again EVER... 3-fantasizing women ‘MORE’ 4-acting normal & manly. ‘MORE’ 5-live happy life & dream big. Reason i said ‘MORE’ because if you felt like you’re forcing your self to fantasize women or act manly. That means your not into women. Don’t push yourself to something that will hurt you. I have a lot of things I want to do in life so many dreams & accomplishments I want in life but on the top that list!!! I want to get married and have (kids)! And I will do that one day. And i’m going to tell my kids one day.... ‘hey, don’t worry I am here with you I will always be here for you. don’t try to be something or someone you aren’t embrace what makes you different and be accepting of what makes others different. Because that’s how dreams become reality. Thank you guys....