Did something disgusting at 14

Hi guys! I'm actually doing pretty well lately but this obsession is sticking, and I don't like it. It's kind of sexual and disgusting so be warned. Basically, when I was 14, I was sitting next to my 7 sister and adjusting my pants. My hand accidentally slipped and pressed between my legs. It felt good, obviously. I knew then that doing sexual things around others was not okay, but for whatever reason, I subtly pushed my hand there again. I didn't do it again, and nobody saw, but it's so disgusting. I was next to my sister. And I was 14—that's a high schooler, a ninth grader. I should have known better by then. I know people always say there's no age to stop making mistakes, but this is about hard boundaries. It's incredibly inappropriate. I feel really bad about it and I genuinely think what I did was wrong, and that I deserve to—not go to jail, I don't think I'm a criminal or anything, but I deserve to be treated with disgust at least. I don't think this is forgivable. Am I overreacting? Please help me out, guys. Thank you!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Hi. It's been a while since we talked. I really do hope you're doing well and I hope you've gotten to see a therapist at some point. I remember something very similar that happened to me when I was younger. I'm sorry that this bothers you so much. I think it would be helpful to be mindful that you are using a judgement of your past self who didnt know as kuch as your current self knows. Those are two very different versions of you. I always think I should have known better at 13 when it came to a lot of the things I was going through, but the way I see it, someone that young can't be perfect about these things. That age group is a part of life that is curious about things like this but doesn't fully understand those things. No matter how much I thought I understood those things at the time, I really didn't. I made some really bad decisions that still bother me. But I hope this helps you with perspective. :)

TPD

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Hello! It’s nice to talk to you again—hope you’re doing well too. Is everything good with you? I haven’t been on the app in some time so I haven’t see if you’ve posted; hope it’s all good. I suppose you’re right. I do think I’m being too judgmental. But I keep getting this flash image of me touching myself in an inappropriate manner where my sister could have seen; doing smth inappropriate around my sister. I feel incredibly sick about it. The one consolation is that my OCD has gotten a lot better. I do indeed have a therapist and it’s getting to the point where I don’t spend hours mulling over these incidents; they pop up occasionally and bother me but it’s not terrible. This is just one of the bad ones, and even then, I’m able to function relatively well. So that’s pretty nice! Thanks again for your help, you’re always nice to talk to.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@TPD I'm very very glad that you've been getting such nice improvements and that you have a therapist! That really does make me happy! I've been doing okay. Some good days, some bad ones. I'm finally going to see a doctor just to get a check on my body to see if I'm alright. It can hopefully put all of my health related worries to rest. I've gotten a therapist to help with OCD and I'm planning to get started on ERP. I totally get you on the flash images of the event. I hate those so much. I have those about events of the past and my addiction. I'm still trying to find ways to kick it, but I haven't fully yet. And yeah, it's best to try and give your younger self compassion. Those times in our lives can be tough at times.

TPD

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 I’m so glad to hear about the doctor! And the therapist! That’s a big deal—I’m proud that you’re taking those steps. It’s really helped with me. In the past, this obsession would have killed me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still terrifying, but it’s so manageable now. I hope you find the same thing happen to you. And thank you for the reminder. I’m trying to be kind to myself—I think I deserve it. Nobody can punish me more than I can punish myself, sadly, but hopefully there’ll come a day where I can look at myself and feel peace. I honestly think that day will come. Things have been turning up for me. I really hope it all works out for you too.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@TPD It's important and also amazing that you're able to see that you're dealing with your obsessive thoughts better than you have before. That means you're getting closer to not having to deal with these thoughts at all! I'm also really glad to finally see my doctor. They gave me access to so many areas where I want to better my physical health. You've been dealing with these thoughts for a long time. We both have. Compassion and being patient with yourself is needed. Again, I'm very glad you're seeing improvement with dealing with them and getting help from your therapist. That's awesome!!

Parker_b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

Sexual Real event ocd.

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

Real Events OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 18w

Am I disgusting for this?

I’m a 23 y/o female who has recently entered a phase of obsessive thoughts of mistakes I’ve made, ranging from events that happened over a decade ago when and I was a kid up to things that happened recently. I feel so much debilitating guilt I can’t do anything or function. I especially feel bad for this one instance. I have always had extremely low self esteem, and I often seek attention and validation especially from men. I like being liked. I find myself trying to act or look cute, or even act somewhat like a pick-me, so that I feel liked. I feel like I may even do this with girls too, but especially guys. I just really like attention, and I’ve been in a stagnant 6 year relationship where I don’t really feel desirable, and I’m very lonely. A few months ago I started playing a game where I met a large group of people and we would all play together everyday. One of the people in particular was a 15/16 year old guy who flirted with me a lot, and I kept my distance because he was so young, and I felt kinda weird talking to someone younger than me, but we would still talk sometimes because we were apart of the same discord group, and I have a problem being stern and confrontational so I didn’t want to be mean or make things awkward in the friend group. Although it made me uncomfortable that he was so young and that I’m nearly a whole decade older than him, and I did make it clear that I was dating someone and I was way too old for him and I would tell him to stop, I wasn’t very stern and I was very lighthearted about it and I even found myself liking the attention I got from him. I was flattered. I liked that he liked me so much even though I knew he was a teenager and I feel like I was maybe even seeking attention from him like I did with the other guys in the group. And when I say seeking attention, I mean that I was acting cute so that I was liked and got attention. Is that considered flirting? Was I flirting with him? Does this make me disgusting? That I liked the attention I got even though he was teenager? That I acted cute around him as well as all the other guys so that he would like me? I feel disgusted with myself. Does this make me a predator? Doesn’t this make me disgusting that I liked attention I got from a teenager? To be fair, I like the attention I get from any guy. I just like feeling liked. But I feel like it makes me disgusting that even though I knew he was a teenager I still liked and was flattered by the attention and was possibly even seeking it out from him. My head is all messed up. I really feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel disgusted with myself to the point that I’m nauseous. I’m so ashamed. I’ve been crying nonstop for days on end and I feel truly hopeless. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life with this shame and that I’m convinced that makes me a predator or a sick person. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or not. I just really need some relief because I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I want someone to be honest with me about my actions.

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

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Did something disgusting at 14

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