I feel like I have reached rock bottom. In March of this year, I started having crawler sensation on my legs (you know the feeling of cramps or ants after crossing your legs for a long time? That feeling except I wouldn't have my legs crossed and it seemed like I would get it for no reason) and it would be one leg and then be the other (switch). Then I was having muscle twitches on my feet, legs, hands, just throughout my body, and even my tongue. Muscle contractions, and weakness at times even up to this point. I get shaky, especially in the mornings, and my heart beats so fast when I get up or do any sort of minor exercise or walk.
I went to a Neurologist back in May of this year, after having gone to so many specialists from August 2022 - April 2023 (bc I went on a doctor visit spree after I was hospitalized for low platelets last year August). They had determined the low platelets were due to a viral infection that attacked them after doing all sorts of blood work and even an ANA test that checks for autoimmune disorders (which all came back clear). However, before I had a visit with a Blood doctor (the visit was a week after I was released from hospital) to clear me of cancer, I was constantly having panic attacks, every day by the minute it seemed, thinking I might die.
Fast forward to now, my neurologist did a physical examination and had me get a brain and cervical MRI (done in late June) which all came back clear and he told me I don't have ALS but I still am feeling this sense of doom. I read on Google that 40 percent of ALS patients do not get diagnosed until 9-12 months into their symptoms or get diagnosed for something else and since I went to a neurologist 2 months into my symptoms, I started to break. I break down my hardest when I think about my daughter who is 2 and the baby I am currently carrying and how I do not want to leave them without a mother. I don't know what I would do if I had ALS, it would definitely be the end of my world and I don't think I could survive a day with it if I knew I had it.
Last night, as I lay in bed, there would be moments where it felt like my throat closed and my tongue went into my throat, I was shaking everywhere, even my tongue, my heart was beating faster than I ever felt it, and I was feeling weak and whenever I felt a glimpse of falling asleep I would jolt back up. I cried so uncontrollably and so hard. Throughout yesterday though, I had been checking on my swallowing by purposely doing it, and on a few occasions, I had trouble doing so and freaked out. I have a horrible feeling of swallowing now that it is hard for me to even eat. My husband and everybody else have sworn on everything that I do not have it and even the neurologist told me I don't have it and that it's so rare and he diagnoses it like once every 5 years. Despite that, nothing can convince me. Today, my husband says last night, was a panic attack but I keep thinking it is something greater. It has come to the point where I don't know if it is OCD, ANXIETY, or Reality that it might be another illness that's terminal.
How do I cope with this, how do I move forward without having a panic attack every second of the day? I have not felt this lost and this urge to have to say goodbye to the people I love (it feels like I have to). How do I not think about my daughter and cry everytime I think I would leave her behind?
