OCD triggered by a class? (Part 1)

I’ve come to a point in my life where I can be very happy. I have a safe environment, a loving community. Yknow I’ve really healed through or moved on from a traumatic past and as I say to my boyfriend from time to time like a broken record: I feel like nowadays the only thing bringing me stress or at times misery is myself. I am a fairly joyful person, when I’m comfortable I’m very goofy and like to sing dance and have fun. I find that I relate to so many amazing people I meet that are the nicest, most fun, elevating individuals, who also struggle with the hardest sometime debilitating things. It truly sucks because when I find those moments of peace I see the power of what an ocd mind could be as a person. We are people who may over analyze, but I myself also always find the good in people. And aye if in a moment I don’t think anything is doomly wrong and if I don’t try to understand it I may parish 😅 then that moment feels like the best one in the world. But on the other side of that when I’m not in a quiet mind moment and I’m left with myself to take control of what life in front of me looks like in or around me. I almost have been crumbling. Like I said at the beginning of this story here, the life around me is not so situationally stressful. And it’s also fairly simple. My boyfriend and I live together in a small cozy trailer with our two cats, he works full time very hard and I work part time where I spend as much time as I can working and then have a few days around the house. We’re saving for a home and are quite content with our lifestyle at the moment with work and being “lazy”, or resting and going out for fun now an then on our time off together. Most times though I do have day or two off during the week by myself, which usually goes one of only two ways. Like I said before I do like to work hard, especially now that I have a part time job that’s fairly easier than others I’ve had in the past. So I work 6-7 hours then drive home, air up my tires and wash my car sometimes because I like doing something after work while I still have energy.Or I go to the store. Come home make food, prolly nap and not really worry about too much because I’ve worked all day. But on my days off. I find myself waking up with a lot of anxiety. I usually fight it off by going back to sleep. But my OCD is heavily circled around shame. Even though I only sleep in till 10-11, 12-1 at the latest. I find myself thinking about how wrong (in nice terms) it is to do that. And the funny thing is the older I get (I’m a 21F). I’m not as pressured by this thought, even though it’s still stressful it literally just feels like a thought I can’t escape from. To put things in simple terms. I truly psycho analyze my actions breath by breath and my intrusive thoughts are critiquing those actions bit by bit. I’ve recently have started medication and it was a tremendous difference in the beginning and it helped me cope with the acceptance and letting go (f it or just care less) of those thoughts. But let’s say I forget to take it, or I wake up one morning by myself all day and I’m super tired or unmotivated. That day will feel truly debilitated. And now I’m definitely to the point where I’m battling that, but also have a thin vale behind that where I now know what is going on. And the thoughts are shameful for “not trying to get better or be better” Because I do Like I write a lot, and it truly is one of the best coping mechanisms for working through intrusive or obsessive compulsions. I could also write all day, and if I don’t listen to that ease of the anxiety from writing. And try to keep going the writing will turn into a compulsion itself I feel like I should not stop or critique it as well. But luckily I’ll hopefully find my place in explaining the cycle of what I do when my brain is very loud about things. The next time it’s too loud:)

Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!