ROCD engaged

Hi guys. This might be long, but it’s me somewhat looking for reassurance while also venting. I’m recently engaged and am suddenly feeling my ROCD come back. I was in therapy for it for a few months and eventually those intrusive thoughts about my partner went away completely and I was feeling sooooo much better. I thought I beat ROCD honestly, but I always knew it could eventually come back because that’s just how it works. We’ve talked about marriage for a while and i knew we’d get married. But when he proposed, I was thrown off guard (it was super random on a Tuesday night in our apartment and I had absolutely no clue it was happening then. Maybe if I would have had somewhat of an idea it was happening, I would have reacted better bc i had time to process it alone) but I paused and took a long time to say yes out of sheer shock and selfishly the want to have the big proposal done for me. He was very generous and gracious in my needing to process the proposal and he totally understood why I needed to take a second during all of it. But while that was going on, I didn’t feel any ROCD. it was more of the guilt of realizing I was disappointed in his proposal (I know, it was selfish. But it was also my first time being proposed to lol) and I realized after that, I didn’t care how it happened and I love him immensely regardless of how he chose to do it. And obviously I said yes :) !! Anyways, in the last two months that weve been engaged, the ROCD hasn’t come up at ALL. But recently it’s come back, and now that we are in fact, engaged, it doesn’t feel worse than it did before but the intrusive thoughts are a lot different. Because now I’m realizing the commitment is real and I’m scared that I’m gonna feel this way forever. Especially during our marriage. I’m scared that I’m going to have a panic on our wedding day. I’m scared that the feeling of wanting to run away and hide under a bush will come and I HATE the feeling of that. It’s all the “what if’s” that come with ROCD and while I’m a lot more aware of it now as I’ve been dealing with it for a while and was in therapy for it & actually getting help, it’s really hard to control the thoughts and realize it isn’t him. Because i really do think I have a fear of “boredom” and if i don’t feel sparks fly every second all the time, I feel panicky. That fear probably comes from growing up with my parents loveless marriage and them fighting all the time, and me not seeing what a loving marriage can look like 20+ years later. So that’s where I’m at right now. Thanks for reading

Relationship OCD

Chairo

Date posted: 1y

Hey Olivia, you aren’t alone and I’m sure many on here who struggle with ROCD can understand. I have been married for 2.5 years. My ROCD has come and gone many times over the year before and after marriage. Engagement is a big change and OCD can spike around life changes. Something I remind myself. I also struggle with testing how I feel and if it isn’t all sunshine and rainbows I will think to myself- I don’t love him enough, and I get afraid I’m going to leave or ruin what we have, when I’m most defeated I just want to disappear. I don’t have the answers but I know I can choose to stay. And I can chose to stay even if I’m thinking all these thoughts. And I think sometimes that can be a powerful realization. In any case, I feel you and I truly hope you find your way through it.

Olivia2121

Date posted: 1y

@Chairo Thank you. I tell myself that I’m choosing to stay too and it helps. Sometimes it’s just hard. Like when i made this post i was deep in it and then- poof. Gone. It’s a weird thing we deal with. Thanks for sharing though. Do you feel like you had the fear of commitment thing too?

Chairo

Date posted: 1y

@Olivia2121 Yes I did and still do haha. Engagement was actually an extremely anxious period for me. And I struggle with the “forever” bit of how will I know how I’ll feel forever.

Olivia2121

Date posted: 1y

@Chairo Me too. I’m with you sister

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

Olivia2121

Date posted: 1y

@mjimposter You’re right. And looking back on it I realized a lot, including that this is HIS moment too and that’s when it felt perfect for him. Which is very sweet to know and warms my heart a bit. It’s just the “forever” and the “permanence” that is a little freaky for me sometimes. But I feel like it would be like that with anyone. I think I even had ROCD in my last relationship but didn’t know it because one day it felt like my feelings just disappeared, and it made me feel like I was just done and tired of him. But granted, he was very toxic and manipulative so I assumed the “done”-ness was due to all that. But it very well could have been ROCD 🤷🏻‍♀️ who knows

Olivia2121

Date posted: 1y

@mjimposter Thank you. 🩷

Anonymous

Date posted: 21w

I’m so lost. Help me

2 months ago I started suffering from ROCD. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost 6 years and everything has always felt so effortless and safe. I didn’t know that I had OCD when this started and I felt like something had taken over my mind. Out of nowhere I was questioning everything. Weather I was attracted to him or not, if I loved him, watching every single thing he does and says and micro analyzing if I like it or not. At first when I realized I had OCD i felt relief. But ever since then its just felt like the thoughts have gotten more complicated and confusing. After learning it was OCD I realized that I had been experiencing it since at least the age of 11. It started with SOCD which was debilitating for months to the point of having emotional breakdowns every night. I was eventually able to let it go but my sexuality since then has always been something I fill unsteady in. I also suffered from POCD after learning my grandfather had sexually touched one of my cousins. Even though I had never thought of a child in that way I became consumed with the fear that I could be capable of something like that. Me and my fiancé have always planned on having kids but I no longer feel excitement towards having kids because of the fear that I could hurt them. Since the ROCD surfaced the SOCD had come back full force. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. There has been so much ruminating. I’ve noticed I do a lot of mental checking on my past and our past together and it’s made it all feel gloomy because my OCD only focuses on the bad. That has made me question if I ever truly loved him or liked being around him which is terrifying. He has been so loving and has been trying hard to understand but I still feel completely in my head whether he is around or not. I have put my fiancé through so much and I hate myself for it. One of my compulsions is word vomiting my every thought which has been scaring for him and me. I’ve tried to rein that in and I’ve gotten a little better at not doing that. I just feel so uncertain of everything. I am constantly having panic attacks about not knowing who I am and I hate it. Our wedding is coming up in October and when I think of it I feel scared instead of excited. I have put the planning on hold because I want to have some sort of handle on this first but my brain is trying to convince me it’s just because I don’t love him and I don’t want to be with him forever. Sometimes I even feel like it’s impossible. Like I don’t even have a choice in the matter. That it is going to end badly no matter how hard I am trying. Every single little problem we had before this (there isn’t many) feels huge. I started with an NOCD therapist a couple weeks ago but we only just started on ERP therapy today that focuses on the SOCD. She is having me look at naked women to see how I feel and gage my anxiety. I made myself look at naked women and men and felt some arousal from both. I know logically I don’t want to be with a woman in that way and the thought of physically being with one isn’t appealing, so that is also confusing. I kept looking up photos until I felt numb to them all. Afterwards for a second it almost felt silly to have been stuck on something that felt so superficial. I know I find women beautiful but I have never felt any desire to be with one sexually or had a crush on one. I’ve only ever had feelings like that for a man. When I was done I came out excited because I felt the freedom to choose the man I am with. I know I love him and I want to be with him but after a couple of hours I feel like all I can focus on is the fact that I felt any sort of arousal towards a picture of a woman. It almost makes me feel like my OCD was right all along and I am just in denial about everything. Even when I am feeling some peace, or like I am myself again I am just terrified of when the thoughts will come back. Everything I do or say I question whether it’s me who is doing or saying that thing or if I’m just doing it because of the OCD. I feel like I have completely lost my mind. I feel like my OCD has stripped me of so much of my identity and dreams and has started to strip me of my sanity. I almost just want to quit but I know how I felt and who I was before all of this and I know this isn’t me. I can’t let it have another win. I really don’t want to loose him.

jessmair

Date posted: 19w

Engaged with ROCD- insight needed

Longish post but please stick with me. Hi everyone. I’m just looking for a bit of insight and if anyone else has felt this. It may sound strange and I’ve not had the courage to ask this for a while…. So I’ve been with my partner (27M) for almost 3 years now, I’m (24F). He recently proposed which I was not expecting so soon. We always joked about it and when he said he looked at rings I was happy. I knew it was coming at some point but not so soon. When it happened it’s immensely triggered my ROCD. And I’m struggling with something in particular, I just want to know if anyone else has experienced it/ what the root cause could be so that I can work on it……. When he proposed it’s like my brain put a time stamp on our relationship. All of a sudden I’m counting the days of my relationship/how long I’ve been in one. It’s like my brain is “keeping track” of the amount of days/weeks that I have a relationship. It’s like my brain wants to be in a relationship for a very long time IMMEDIATELY, which is of course not possible. It’s like my brain is saying “you have to break up with him because you haven’t been together a while yet”. It makes it feel like time is going so slowly. I see couples together for 6/7years prior to my age/time and just think “how did they do it”? Same with married couples. It’s like I think “they’re lucky I wish I was at that many years already”. But at the same time, the thought of being with someone for a long time makes me feel anxious and sick and like I have to “escape” or “get out” urgently. I’ve struggled with this particularly for a month now and am just wondering if anyone else has experienced the same or similar? Or can anyone offer insight into what this really could be deep down/root causes, as I REALLY want to figure out why and where it’s coming from. Sorry for the long post. Advice appreciated ❤️✨

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

ROCD/Wedding/Depression

I honestly just need to vent. I am feeling so defeated. My wedding is coming up in about a month and I am not even excited about it. Which automatically makes me feel like a horrible person. But I’m just in this state of depression and anxiety probably because the wedding is getting closer and closer and my ROCD is flaring up so bad during this time and it’s just not making what’s supposed to be the happiest time of my life very enjoyable. My fiance is amazing this has absolutely nothing to do with him. He also is working A TON of hours so I barely see him throughout the week. I feel just very alone and sad during a time I should be extremely happy and I just guess I want someone who understands to tell me I’ll be okay and make it through this.

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