Neglect and harm ocd.

Im not sure how this can be connected, neglect can be connected with actaul harm but labeling it ocd actually feels like denying. Like theres an actual problem like emotional neglect and that can make harm and suicidal thoughts, like thats whats the norm now, we believe those thoughts come from traumas . Its just that thinking for me its an actual problem givey me more weight, now i will not deny that even if its ocd there is a deeper problem. I learned that i didnt really had a good father picture and a father has a big role in the family, but mine was more bullying than helpful. I didnt learned how to deal with problems and know that i can handle it cause my father wasnt motivating, he talked dows on us. So yeah these are things that i want to heal, its okay, the problem is that i get random harm thoughts and sometimes even suicidal thoughts, those are unwanted but i can overthink it like its real because of the pain i go true. This is where i said i have ocd, bc someone who is suicidal or wants to harm themself doesnt stop it or fights with it, but i do. But one thing i realized, just ignoring the thoughts doesnt help the long run, cause i do have a deeper problem. I struggling being kind to myself and sometimes i feel like noone likes me but its a lie. And this is where i get triggered cause if i feel like i dont like myself and i get hit by this random harm or suicidal thoughts i feel like its real, cause i think about the norm we know that suicidal thoughts come from lack of self love and trauma, and i see myself having the same problem i quickly associate myself to those people. And i feel bad saying its ocd. I dont want to act on them, but i get the urge and feeling like i want to and those times i think about other ocd types like pocd and i remind myself that people with pocd feel the feelings too, they arent just thinking the "what ifs" they have the body reactions and feelings too. But i had to realize that this reminder doesnt help me cause then it gets stronger and more agressive, then i have the "i dont care im doing it cause i want to" thoughts that drives me crazy, and i more feel like im in danger. So o realized its a deeper problem and even if its ocd thoughts, i dont have to use the "ignore it" method cause that doesnt helps, sometimes when i have it it indicates that i need love, i need to give myself love, compassion, kindness. This always makes me spin out cause i feel like i want to from others, like i want to run to my mom and feel loved, but i get angry at myself cause this isnt healthy, its okay to want love from others,but i have to get it from myself too. And the i get angry and these thoughts come again and the i feel like i want to and i get scared and i rumminate, obsess, spin about am i really in danger, could i do it, am i suicidal? Its just never ending story... and i think this stops me to deal with the real problem, to learn to love myself and be kind. Im afraid to work on this cause of these thoughts and im afraid i will find out they are real like im really strugling with harm and suicidal thoughts. I will tell you a story. Today i had a problem on workplace and now that im dealing all of this, it was a little bit harder to deal with it. In the past i always ran to my mom for feeling loved and cared. And still many times she helps me. I did the worst thing, cause i felt like noone loves me in that workplace situation, i imagined what would be if my mom would be dead and i didnt have her to help me. And quickly this thought hit me that i want to die, cause noone loves me. And this is why im here now cause im triggered, cause it felt real and im afraid that i would get there. But the most part im afraid cause it was a real feeling that im not loved by anyone, i rather die cause people arent kind with me, and it wasnt like a deep darkness, just sadness and helplessness, but it triggered me and im a little bit afraid again that im actually having real suicidal thoughts cause of neglect... every year i fight with this and i end up in therapy and they say im not in danger but im afraid that its because maybe i dont tell them my actual feelings, i cant cause im so focused on "am i suicidal" and i had a psychologist who told me the thoughts are true and i think about them cause i want attention... this is horrible thing, i dont agree with that thing, i would never use suicide to earn attention and love... thats toxic. So i dont want to visit any psychologist. It try to recover from videos. But this suicidal thing always stops me to work on the past and im afraid that its actually dangerous im just avoiding it to feel goof about yourself. Im not sure if ocd can latch to a certain emotion and give you harm and suicidal thoughts cause i never heard about this. When people mention trauma and harm thought everyone thinks about the real dangerous kind of harm thoughts. I feel like im alone with this but i ask can anyone relate?

PRIV8

Date posted: 17w

Ocd and emotions

I have alot of problems with this and I question alot if I do avoid my emotions cause today everyone says to "feel your emotions, let them be" but it just makes me be stuck with suffering. Currently I have a problem at my job, it's really stressful and i feel like everyone thinks im stupid and a bad person and it's hard, I struggle with negative emotions and I rumminate alot about the things, what couldve happened,what will happen and sometimes it makes me feel helpless cause idk what to do. But when it happens I don't let myself feel helpless, I don't know why you should let yourself feel anything like hopelessness,helplesnees,or let yourself tell any story that will not help you. I acknowledge it that it came up, but I won't let it to continously be there. I never understood that when you have these feelings, sitting with them makes you just follow the story that is unhealthy. I feel things that are unhealthy for me and i tried to sit with it and made me feel worse being stuck with that emotion. I start to think that people who actually has avoidance problems they dont notice how they feel, when I do notice I just choose not to go on that path. I question grief too alot. Everyone grieves differently so that's why is difficult but I don't like when people say that grief will never end and if you feel better about your loss you are just lying to yourself... Ofcourse you will never feel happy about anything you lost in your life. When i dealt with grief I noticed it, back then i thought okay i have to sit with the pain but then it got worse and worse and I felt like im stuck in my pain. Then I decided I have to move and im not 100%over, i dont even know what that means cause as I said you will never feel happy about any loss you experienced,but thats a different thing, you can still live your life with that,but if its been years and you still think life sucks and nothing is good then youre stuck with grief. This is not judging anyone who is not over grief, But it's problematic for me when I say i wont let this emotion to rule my day, and then i feel like im supressing it... or when people say "just let it be there" then my focus is on that being there, so to change your focus to your life you have to ignore the feelings, and people say "no,you dont" but thats what you have to do... To choose that you will live your life and you will focus on something else no matter what means that you will ignore the feelings, you can still notice it but you give no power to them. That's called ignoring it... I have to learn what supressing feelings really means cause everytime I try to live my life I say i supress my emotions cause it feels like that. I hope someone will read this, either will help him or he will help me understand things more, so if you read this, thank you for your time! :)

summerloveru...

Date posted: 13w

So...

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!

summerloveru...

Date posted: 13w

my story

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!

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Neglect and harm ocd.

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