- Date posted
- 1y
Neglect and harm ocd.
Im not sure how this can be connected, neglect can be connected with actaul harm but labeling it ocd actually feels like denying. Like theres an actual problem like emotional neglect and that can make harm and suicidal thoughts, like thats whats the norm now, we believe those thoughts come from traumas . Its just that thinking for me its an actual problem givey me more weight, now i will not deny that even if its ocd there is a deeper problem. I learned that i didnt really had a good father picture and a father has a big role in the family, but mine was more bullying than helpful. I didnt learned how to deal with problems and know that i can handle it cause my father wasnt motivating, he talked dows on us. So yeah these are things that i want to heal, its okay, the problem is that i get random harm thoughts and sometimes even suicidal thoughts, those are unwanted but i can overthink it like its real because of the pain i go true. This is where i said i have ocd, bc someone who is suicidal or wants to harm themself doesnt stop it or fights with it, but i do. But one thing i realized, just ignoring the thoughts doesnt help the long run, cause i do have a deeper problem. I struggling being kind to myself and sometimes i feel like noone likes me but its a lie. And this is where i get triggered cause if i feel like i dont like myself and i get hit by this random harm or suicidal thoughts i feel like its real, cause i think about the norm we know that suicidal thoughts come from lack of self love and trauma, and i see myself having the same problem i quickly associate myself to those people. And i feel bad saying its ocd. I dont want to act on them, but i get the urge and feeling like i want to and those times i think about other ocd types like pocd and i remind myself that people with pocd feel the feelings too, they arent just thinking the "what ifs" they have the body reactions and feelings too. But i had to realize that this reminder doesnt help me cause then it gets stronger and more agressive, then i have the "i dont care im doing it cause i want to" thoughts that drives me crazy, and i more feel like im in danger. So o realized its a deeper problem and even if its ocd thoughts, i dont have to use the "ignore it" method cause that doesnt helps, sometimes when i have it it indicates that i need love, i need to give myself love, compassion, kindness. This always makes me spin out cause i feel like i want to from others, like i want to run to my mom and feel loved, but i get angry at myself cause this isnt healthy, its okay to want love from others,but i have to get it from myself too. And the i get angry and these thoughts come again and the i feel like i want to and i get scared and i rumminate, obsess, spin about am i really in danger, could i do it, am i suicidal? Its just never ending story... and i think this stops me to deal with the real problem, to learn to love myself and be kind. Im afraid to work on this cause of these thoughts and im afraid i will find out they are real like im really strugling with harm and suicidal thoughts. I will tell you a story. Today i had a problem on workplace and now that im dealing all of this, it was a little bit harder to deal with it. In the past i always ran to my mom for feeling loved and cared. And still many times she helps me. I did the worst thing, cause i felt like noone loves me in that workplace situation, i imagined what would be if my mom would be dead and i didnt have her to help me. And quickly this thought hit me that i want to die, cause noone loves me. And this is why im here now cause im triggered, cause it felt real and im afraid that i would get there. But the most part im afraid cause it was a real feeling that im not loved by anyone, i rather die cause people arent kind with me, and it wasnt like a deep darkness, just sadness and helplessness, but it triggered me and im a little bit afraid again that im actually having real suicidal thoughts cause of neglect... every year i fight with this and i end up in therapy and they say im not in danger but im afraid that its because maybe i dont tell them my actual feelings, i cant cause im so focused on "am i suicidal" and i had a psychologist who told me the thoughts are true and i think about them cause i want attention... this is horrible thing, i dont agree with that thing, i would never use suicide to earn attention and love... thats toxic. So i dont want to visit any psychologist. It try to recover from videos. But this suicidal thing always stops me to work on the past and im afraid that its actually dangerous im just avoiding it to feel goof about yourself. Im not sure if ocd can latch to a certain emotion and give you harm and suicidal thoughts cause i never heard about this. When people mention trauma and harm thought everyone thinks about the real dangerous kind of harm thoughts. I feel like im alone with this but i ask can anyone relate?