Rage against the machine
- Date posted
- 1y
Nothing can help me
I don't even really know if this was ever OCD. Or maybe my obsession is real. I feel like this was all deeeep denial. Anyone else?
girlanongirlanon
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
Hi, yeah. It comes and goes for me. Erp has helped though!
Rage against the machineRage against...
- Date posted
- 1y
@girlanon I did ERP in therapy and it didn't really work, for some reason? Maybe o need another therapist, but some of the exposures didnt make me that anxious.. like they made me stare at a trans flag and it was jarring but only a little
girlanongirlanon
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
@Rage against the machine I'm actually finding the exact same issue, intentional exposures don't make me anxious but real life hits me over the head
Rage against the machineRage against...
- Date posted
- 1y
@girlanon RIGHT?! Because I KNOW they're exposures and that I'm doing them due to my ocd , they're not really scary.
girlanongirlanon
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
@Rage against the machine Exactly! I'll get accustomed to the specific circumstances of the exposure, instead of what the exposure is supposed to be targeting. So I'll think I'm okay and let my guard down. And then BAM
Rage against the machineRage against...
- Date posted
- 1y
@girlanon Let me ask.. how do you feel in your daily life now? I've stopped most of my compulsions such as searching and posting every waking hour and asking for reassurance and compulsive venting but the thoughts are still there and they feel real still but it's more a part of my daily life
girlanongirlanon
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
@Rage against the machine Right now, SOOCD is a much bigger theme for me. But TOCD is there too. Thoughts about femininity, gender, all of that. They float around, but I'm getting better at ignoring it. When it gets to me is when I get intrusive feelings of dysphoria, I really can't handle that
Rage against the machineRage against...
- Date posted
- 1y
@girlanon Yea I understand.. sometimes when I'm getting changed or if I'm in the shower and I get so aware of my boobs, I start to feel nauseous and it drives me crazy. I also get feelings of wanting a penis and my mind gets so foggy about it bc I never know what's really real. I have NEVER desired a penis before in my entire life but now apparently that's changed ? Again idk if any of this is normal for TOCD but I'm trying hard to ignore it
Rage against the machineRage against...
- Date posted
- 1y
@girlanon From what I remember, you're a lesbian right? So you get thoughts that maybe you like men? That sounds so tough❤️🩹 I hope it gets better soon
girlanongirlanon
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
@Rage against the machine Lmaooo I don't know, I thought I was bi for years, and then lesbian once ocd hit, but now I'm pretty sure I'm straight and my therapist agrees with me. She thinks the girl I like (liked? Unsure?) was a compulsion to prove my queerness to myself, so it's a fucking mess. Almost certain I'm not a lesbian though, I'm really into guys right now. It ends up bleeding into my TOCD because I'm like wait, maybe it's that I want to BE the guy, and then spirals
girlanongirlanon
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
@Rage against the machine Because I identified as bi before OCD (came to that realization at 20) part of me feels that I must be bi, which is what I want to be, it felt right for years. But my therapist really thinks I'm not and it's my ocd just wanting to be part of the queer community. So now I think she's right, even though I was so sure she was wrong at first.
Rage against the machineRage against...
- Date posted
- 1y
@girlanon That sounds so confusing .. but why is your therapist saying that?? Do you have intrusive thoughts about being bi? Does it give you anxiety?? Because why would that make it OCD ?
girlanongirlanon
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
@Rage against the machine I don't. Honestly at this point I feel nothing. But I'm not scared of being bi, I'm scared of being straight. I thought I liked a girl. Who liked me. We went on a date right around when I switched therapists and I got so triggered. I started doing exposures about dating lesbians as a straight girl, which i was so scared of, and my therapist also said she thinks I'm straight, and my feelings for that girl are now totally gone. I wish they weren't. And not only are they gone, but I also find myself constantly feeling like I'd only ever be happy with a man
girlanongirlanon
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y
I'm not attracted to women often. I panic sometimes about it, about the fact i always crushed on boys, have celeb crushes on men, etc. But I thought I was attracted sexually to women, mostly masculine ones, sometimes too and was just so attached to men I didn't feel the romantic side. But then I started feeling so repulsed by her femininity and when she wasn't totally masculine, basically like i just wanted her to be a boy really
Rage against the machineRage against...
- Date posted
- 1y
@girlanon I hate the feeling of being repulsed by things that never crossed your mind before. I understand. I've never had HOCD but I have had relationship OCD where I've lost attraction to my boyfriend and thought it would never come back. It did. Just don't label yourself for now .. I'm doing that with my gender i don't have a specific label. They make things harder
Rage against the machineRage against...
- Date posted
- 1y
@girlanon Plus having crushes on boys growing up is not a big deal. We are conditioned to believe that's how it's supposed to be as girls, I have tons of gay female friends who have crushed on many boys. It's not always as black and white as you think although ocd makes it feel like that ☹️
star1232star1232
- Date posted
- 1y
Can we talk please
Related posts
andrewt_
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 21w
There’s no point anymore I’m just evil
I don’t even say I have OCD anymore because it feels like I’m lying. Maybe this isn’t about OCD anymore and is about accountability instead. Accountability for how twisted and sick I am. Sometimes I force myself to admit that it’s not OCD and that I’m just dark and twisted and need to protect the world from me. I mean god this feels too real to be OCD. Sometimes I look back at my memory and wonder if I did certain stuff on purpose and ask myself who could do stuff like this? Everyone says it’s OCD but it feels too real. I have a gut feeling that I’m a deviant psycho. I want to be gone.
Starve_The M...
- Date posted
- 21w
How do I know if it's is ocd
How do I know if my obsession really is ocd or If im lying to myself about a past intention
HOY
- Date posted
- 19w
i dont know if its gonna get better
since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.
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