Nothing can help me

@girlanon I did ERP in therapy and it didn't really work, for some reason? Maybe o need another therapist, but some of the exposures didnt make me that anxious.. like they made me stare at a trans flag and it was jarring but only a little

@Rage against the machine I'm actually finding the exact same issue, intentional exposures don't make me anxious but real life hits me over the head

@girlanon RIGHT?! Because I KNOW they're exposures and that I'm doing them due to my ocd , they're not really scary.

@Rage against the machine Exactly! I'll get accustomed to the specific circumstances of the exposure, instead of what the exposure is supposed to be targeting. So I'll think I'm okay and let my guard down. And then BAM

@girlanon Let me ask.. how do you feel in your daily life now? I've stopped most of my compulsions such as searching and posting every waking hour and asking for reassurance and compulsive venting but the thoughts are still there and they feel real still but it's more a part of my daily life

@Rage against the machine Right now, SOOCD is a much bigger theme for me. But TOCD is there too. Thoughts about femininity, gender, all of that. They float around, but I'm getting better at ignoring it. When it gets to me is when I get intrusive feelings of dysphoria, I really can't handle that

@girlanon Yea I understand.. sometimes when I'm getting changed or if I'm in the shower and I get so aware of my boobs, I start to feel nauseous and it drives me crazy. I also get feelings of wanting a penis and my mind gets so foggy about it bc I never know what's really real. I have NEVER desired a penis before in my entire life but now apparently that's changed ? Again idk if any of this is normal for TOCD but I'm trying hard to ignore it

@girlanon From what I remember, you're a lesbian right? So you get thoughts that maybe you like men? That sounds so tough❤️‍🩹 I hope it gets better soon

@Rage against the machine Lmaooo I don't know, I thought I was bi for years, and then lesbian once ocd hit, but now I'm pretty sure I'm straight and my therapist agrees with me. She thinks the girl I like (liked? Unsure?) was a compulsion to prove my queerness to myself, so it's a fucking mess. Almost certain I'm not a lesbian though, I'm really into guys right now. It ends up bleeding into my TOCD because I'm like wait, maybe it's that I want to BE the guy, and then spirals

@Rage against the machine Because I identified as bi before OCD (came to that realization at 20) part of me feels that I must be bi, which is what I want to be, it felt right for years. But my therapist really thinks I'm not and it's my ocd just wanting to be part of the queer community. So now I think she's right, even though I was so sure she was wrong at first.

@girlanon That sounds so confusing .. but why is your therapist saying that?? Do you have intrusive thoughts about being bi? Does it give you anxiety?? Because why would that make it OCD ?

@Rage against the machine I don't. Honestly at this point I feel nothing. But I'm not scared of being bi, I'm scared of being straight. I thought I liked a girl. Who liked me. We went on a date right around when I switched therapists and I got so triggered. I started doing exposures about dating lesbians as a straight girl, which i was so scared of, and my therapist also said she thinks I'm straight, and my feelings for that girl are now totally gone. I wish they weren't. And not only are they gone, but I also find myself constantly feeling like I'd only ever be happy with a man

@girlanon I hate the feeling of being repulsed by things that never crossed your mind before. I understand. I've never had HOCD but I have had relationship OCD where I've lost attraction to my boyfriend and thought it would never come back. It did. Just don't label yourself for now .. I'm doing that with my gender i don't have a specific label. They make things harder

@girlanon Plus having crushes on boys growing up is not a big deal. We are conditioned to believe that's how it's supposed to be as girls, I have tons of gay female friends who have crushed on many boys. It's not always as black and white as you think although ocd makes it feel like that ☹️