Not sure what to do...

Yesterday I was checking the freezer in case a stray kitten might have get stuck inside of it, I did so because the night prior I had fallen asleep while my parents were making food and I feared my snoring might have distracted them while they were picking up something to cook from the freezer not paying attention if a stray kitten entered it. But as I was finished checking I realised I had to wipe water from the melted ice from the freezer because my mom would have noticed it and thought I had rummaged through the freezer and checked it herself, and since she would have opened it because of me, there was a chance once again a kitten could have entered the freezer because of me so I would have to go check it again. I didn't wipe it good enough in my opinion before they got back from work, as I refused to go wipe more water after having spent nearly half an hour checking and wiping, at this point I had wiped from the freezer to the hallway, always thinking I had displaced more water further and further, worrying a single drop would cause her to check the freezer. The process to check the freezer takes a while because I have to hold my tablet to record the entrance of the freezer to see if a kitten has come close all the while removing every item from the freezer and recording inside with my phone, and replacing every item while rotating it to see if a kitten isn't on it, which can take upwards of half and hour each time, not counting the wiping of water afterwards. I feel like crap now cause it's been a day since it happened and I forced myself bot to go check the freezer again but now since I felt a tiny bit of "pleasure" not wiping what I thought would be a tiny drop of water before my parents came back home, I feel depressed and can't enjoy my hobbies which feel corrupted now... It's hard to explain...

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Hello again. I think I understand. I know it's hard. And it's hard to have grace with yourself during such obsessions. But I understand, and you aren't alone. I hear you, pal. I'm just curious, if you don't mind me asking, what date is your therapy starting?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

Hello, I should start therapy in a week or two. I ended up checking the fridge anyways this morning and found nothing. But it took me more than an hour to check everything and wipe any trace of water or footsteps... And it would have been more had my parents not come home.. But as soon as they came home the air draft caused by the door at the front of the house caused my door to open, and I was scared they would think I had gone in the kitchen while they were away which would have caused them to maybe check the fridge or freezer and I should have gone outside my room so that they gave up that idea but I didn't and I don't know why, now I feel like they checked the freezer because of me thus making me the culprit if a kitten has been locked inside tye freezer, so I have to do it all over again...

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend I know you feel like you have to do it again, and I understand that feeling, and it's your choice whether you do it or not, but I wouldn't say that you need to do it again. But I know that it feels like you need to. And I hope that didn't come across wrong -- I don't like how text is easier to misinterpret I really do understand how it feels, and I know it stinks and is SUPER exhausting. I'm really sorry.

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Oh no don't worry you didn't do anything wrong. It's just I feel like I have to do it again because I felt some sort of satisfaction not going outside my room so that they didn't think I was in the kitchen a few seconds before they came home, so I have like a moral duty to go and check the freezer again.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend I understand the feeling and what you mean, bud. And I know it certainly is far from easy

gl0aming

Date posted: 24w

the guilt is all-consuming, advice needed

so, i’ve talked here before about the discord community i used to be in. they were rpg servers, there were adults and minors both in the community, and while there were rules against NSFW, jokes were definitely still made and lines were crossed. i was 19 at the time, and though i’m fairly certain i never made and explicit sexual jokes or remarks, i was still there when others did. my best friend did make suggestive jokes, and i still laughed. i didn’t leave. i feel guilty and tainted and like this is the end of the line for me- i have a following and an online career, and it feels like all of that is going to go up in smoke, because i didn’t realize that being friends with young teens as an 18-19 year old could be weird, or risky. i feel like this is proof of every bad thing that i’ve worried i am. if i could be there, and be okay with all the things that were said and joked about and just ignore them, what else am i capable of? i love my life, and my family. i don’t want them to see me as a monster. my mom thinks i’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but i don’t know if i agree with her. i’ve looked at other cases of people who have been cancelled for being inappropriate around minors online, sending inappropriate photos or making jokes and their entire lives go up in smoke. Is that me? they’re labeled every horrible thing under the sun. did they just not think? I don’t know what i’ll do if people believe that about me. my worst fear feels like it’s coming to life before my eyes after lying dormant and tugging at the back of my mind for almost 4 years. I fought the urge to re-read old chats for that long, but i finally gave in, and while i still haven’t found anything i said or did that could be considered incriminating, i remember new things every time the last worry starts to settle. I tried to log back into old instagram accounts to check old chats there, and remembered i’d already deleted them in a panic, so now i’ll never know, and it feels like the fact that i felt guilty enough to delete the accounts at all is incriminating enough. I don’t think i can ever move past this. i don’t deserve to be here- i’m actually a monster, and i ruined my life before it even started.

EndOCD!

Date posted: 16w

I don’t know what to do

I have this same situation replaying in my head. It has to do with porn so if your young just know this may be a little graphic. I tend to use Twitter for porn and the reason I do this is it’s a lot more direct I can type in what I want to see and it’s there I don’t have to go through unknown websites and hope not to get viruses, and to be a little more specific more amateur/ real sexual experiences come up on Twitter rather than porn pages with staged written scenes. So in my use of Twitter for this there’s been times when questionable material/ illegal material has come up and never did I save it knowing it was 100% illegal or even interact with it if I knew it was 100% illegal. I was 18 or 19 at the time of this and I started to fear that in these moments I would look at these illegal videos/ sketchy videos to long when they would pop up like for example I remember seeing a video that was 100% illegal content and I was so shocked and like confused that I looked at it for a moment and then left and then I went back to look at it again just to confirm that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing I also remember seeing videos that were in a 18+ section but sometimes the girls in the videos looked like they could be 15-17. As we all know 18 year olds can look anywhere from 15-17 or even younger these days so I would be cautious and use my context clues and what I knew when watching videos that I was suspicious about but had no proof of them being illegal aside from my thoughts and the person looking young. So with this and me worrying I got super scared and hyper aware of what I was watching and now I remember me going back on Twitter to look at content that I was intending to be 18+ but all I would think about is what if something illegal would come up what if I see it and I look for to long or what if I feel attracted and I like it. And I just remember going back to Twitter to look at legal porn but it felt like I was there so that something illegal could come up to see how I’d naturally react to it. Never did I go and type in key words or type in anything illegal in fact I remember times I would strictly put 18+ next to whatever I was searching so I could be sure everything was legal but sometimes it would feel like my hope and intention was that I would see something illegal so that I could feel that anxiety rush or just to see how I would react naturally to seeing it and I feel like this would count as me intentionally looking for it so now I feel disgusting and like I committed a crime. Sometimes I just feel like I was only looking at porn because I wanted to feel that anxiety of what if something bad comes up and how would I react. I know deep down I didn’t want to see illegal content and that I was probably just feeling that I wanted to check how id feel if it did come up but now I feel like I was intentionally looking and that my whole objective was for something questionable to come up so I can see how I react. Is this ocd or did I just make a horrible decision?

emma345

Date posted: 16w

Please help zocd

tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

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