- Date posted
- 1y
My Battle with OCD and Depression: Please Help
I was just getting told by my mother that I am punishing her because of my sadness and crying spells in response to her frustration about her continuing to say that she was upset about me changing my guinea pigs’ bedding to shavings which had caused a minor mess, despite me kindly replying that I am routinely cleaning after them and have found a solution to prevent the bedding from pouring out of the cages. This is a good person, but was not a good choice of words. Nothing I seemed to do was enough. Yet, she most likely gave a fake apology and now wants me to apologize when I wasn’t the one who got angry at the other’s animal-loving life-style and don’t even get a single hug? That’s all I asked for, as that’s the next best empathic virtue aside from a genuine apology. If I could simply press a “magic button” of mental toughness and happiness to stop the unnecessary depression, crying spells, and difficulty of letting go of the random memory of her repeated frustration that day in my OCD brain, I would. But, this isn’t easy for people like me unresponsive to therapy who suffer from bipolar, autism, and so forth… I would never have the intention of punishing someone. It’s not my fault I am unable to control having depression. I’m not suicidal because I was told it is a sin to take your own life. But, I wouldn’t mind dying young. I can’t get admitted long-term to the psychiatric hospital because I’m not suicidal or a danger. I’m currently tapering off of BuSpar for my depression due to some severe side effects, and will resume taking new medication on Tuesday, which has help to reduce my crying spells in the past. It’s just so difficult to wait for the needed numbness to kick-in! I just don’t know how to overcome my illogical hypersensitivity in the meantime. How can I get over the meanness of the world without feeling isolated and hypersensitive from the people who are angry near me? How can I accept that some people aren’t willing to give friendly apologies and share their love through a hug to help me feel less distressed and loved? Each time I look at them, I get sad and am unable to talk to them because I feel alone, despite my family loving me, yet that’s all I have. I am cognizant that I’m not alone in the world, but I feel alone and borderline — one day my loved one is at the top of my universe, and the next they are at the bottom and I metaphorically lost them emotionally despite them still caring for me? It just hurts that they won’t apologize genuinely and show maternal love. I just don’t know how to stop crying without being medicated on strong psyche meds. How do I stop having crying spells when no one is available to give me a hug when I need it? I hope I’m not sounding too needy. I can’t help it. I forgive, but why can’t my brain just toughen up already and let go? Please send me your kind words and therapeutic advice. Thank you! Blessings!