My Battle with OCD and Depression: Please Help

I was just getting told by my mother that I am punishing her because of my sadness and crying spells in response to her frustration about her continuing to say that she was upset about me changing my guinea pigs’ bedding to shavings which had caused a minor mess, despite me kindly replying that I am routinely cleaning after them and have found a solution to prevent the bedding from pouring out of the cages. This is a good person, but was not a good choice of words. Nothing I seemed to do was enough. Yet, she most likely gave a fake apology and now wants me to apologize when I wasn’t the one who got angry at the other’s animal-loving life-style and don’t even get a single hug? That’s all I asked for, as that’s the next best empathic virtue aside from a genuine apology. If I could simply press a “magic button” of mental toughness and happiness to stop the unnecessary depression, crying spells, and difficulty of letting go of the random memory of her repeated frustration that day in my OCD brain, I would. But, this isn’t easy for people like me unresponsive to therapy who suffer from bipolar, autism, and so forth… I would never have the intention of punishing someone. It’s not my fault I am unable to control having depression. I’m not suicidal because I was told it is a sin to take your own life. But, I wouldn’t mind dying young. I can’t get admitted long-term to the psychiatric hospital because I’m not suicidal or a danger. I’m currently tapering off of BuSpar for my depression due to some severe side effects, and will resume taking new medication on Tuesday, which has help to reduce my crying spells in the past. It’s just so difficult to wait for the needed numbness to kick-in! I just don’t know how to overcome my illogical hypersensitivity in the meantime. How can I get over the meanness of the world without feeling isolated and hypersensitive from the people who are angry near me? How can I accept that some people aren’t willing to give friendly apologies and share their love through a hug to help me feel less distressed and loved? Each time I look at them, I get sad and am unable to talk to them because I feel alone, despite my family loving me, yet that’s all I have. I am cognizant that I’m not alone in the world, but I feel alone and borderline — one day my loved one is at the top of my universe, and the next they are at the bottom and I metaphorically lost them emotionally despite them still caring for me? It just hurts that they won’t apologize genuinely and show maternal love. I just don’t know how to stop crying without being medicated on strong psyche meds. How do I stop having crying spells when no one is available to give me a hug when I need it? I hope I’m not sounding too needy. I can’t help it. I forgive, but why can’t my brain just toughen up already and let go? Please send me your kind words and therapeutic advice. Thank you! Blessings!

Relationship OCD

Bondgirl#88

Date posted: 1y

Hi, you don’t sound needy at all. I can relate to how you said your mind keeps going back to someone else’s frustration with you despite it being minor and there being so much more good to look at, as I tend to ruminate on the negative as well. Knowing that the other person is not perfect and is flawed like us, helps to understand why they won’t show love in a particular way, it’s just something they are struggling with and can’t seem to manifest properly. And I feel stuck often because I’ll feel crazy but not in a severe suicidal way because I also know it’s a sin and love God. I think knowing God is the only one who loves us perfectly and unconditionally helps, that way you know you only rely on him and not get disappointed with other people and feel like your worth is less because of people’s treatment of you. Communication is key I feel with family, even though it’s extremely hard because they might not understand OCD so much, just talk to them with simple things to break the barrier of feeling like you hate them may help at least I’d say for me. Knowing God is with you helps reduce the frustration, so adding his rich mercy to the equation will help overcome the bad fixations our brain dwells on because we give the troubles to him. Pretending like you don’t care also helps to make you really not care anymore about a particular situation that’s bothering you. Hope this helps!

Gmoki

Date posted: 23w

I need advice :( vent post/does anyone relate?

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

liyah1787g

Date posted: 22w

Question

Trigger Warning: Suicide I’m 21(Female) just for reference Anyone else struggling with OCD so much to where you feel so isolated, confused, burnout, suffering & in astonishing emotional pain & agony. I promise yall aren’t alone in the feelings. I promise you there is someone going through similar, obviously our lives aren’t identical, but our struggles can be very similar. It’s even harder dealing with trauma, split parents, abusive parent(s), a sick parent at the same time as all of this. It feels like God or the universe just WANTS you to struggle. Like it’s punishment for something you did as a kid or teenager. I’m dealing with all this exactly. Sometimes I just want support. So I hope this message can be support for someone struggling too & hope it helps them be able to breathe a little easier & gives them strength to go on another day. I just would like to mention if you have access to therapy take advantage of it. The therapists are not there to judge you but I promise it’s a them issue & you’re not a horrible person. When I used to think of suicide often I started to think less “doomsdayish” & realized that I wont know how my life will turn out if I just give up. If you give up you won’t ever know. Whether your situation will improve, & all the fear in your heart just gone. You could miss out on that freedom and happiness you’ve been waiting for in this current life we are living. One last thing I want to point out that I’ve thought about is that we don’t know how many more people are out there struggling with this. I think they’re maybe afraid of judgement. Basically what I’m implying is I feel like there are so many others out there who don’t want to speak up & are struggling with this. Everything on their conscious being afraid to even write it down. I just feel in my heart that there are others who keep these issues to themselves. I think I feel it in my heart because that was me once. Feeling like my story was different, afraid at thought of even telling a stranger(therapist) who could judge me. I did not want to be perceived badly. I’m 21 years old & wish I had the courage to speak up sooner I feel like I could’ve started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel sooner but that’s okay. Speak up for you, you do not have to wake up in fear everyday or contemplate suicide everyday. Even if it feels like you’re your only cheerleader. Sending a virtual hug to all because I know what it’s like to just want to be held & told that everything is going to work out. you never know what others are going through, be the person who isn’t afraid to extend your heart to others, try & breathe a little more, take care of yourselves, remember you aren’t alone no matter your situation, stay strong To the suicidal person reading this, you’re resilient & strong. Sending a virtual hug❤️.

Medicine2021_

Date posted: 19w

Suicidal OCD and harm OCD

I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…

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