Northern_Downpour

Date posted: 1y

How to deal with this specific thought (18+)

My real event OCD has mostly gotten better over the past year. I've come to terms with my events and even though sometimes they make me anxious, I don't have as visceral of a reaction as I used to and im learning to accept that they happened. But sometimes it the thought still hits me that my family wouldn't love me if they knew, my friends wouldn't love me if I knew. I'll never be able to have a romantic partner if anyone knew what I did. That im morally a bad person if I don't tell people. Etc. My event was having unfiltered internet access as a kid and getting exposed to bad fictional porn. Basically having seen a lot of problematic NSFW fiction, mainly feral furry stuff. Its been over a year since I realized how bad that was and stopped. I'm not into animals or anything, was just groomed by an unsafe internet as a kid and it took me a long time to realize that stuff wasnt normal. My biggest shame is that it took me until adulthood to realize. Still, I know not everyone would be understanding of this and think I'm a freak or a z**phile. It sucks because I feel like I need to compulsively confess or else nobody knows the real me or they don't love the real me, and that im hiding that I'm a horrible person. Does anyone have advice on how to deal with these thoughts?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

From the many forums I've read regarding porn addiction and being exposed to porn at a young age, I've seen people basically talk about the things they've seen in contrast to what they're actually attracted to, including myself. I've seen just about everything when I was a kid and it absolutely sucks because I still remember the things I've seen here and there. They don't fully go away. Other times my mind will warp certain things I've seen into those pornographic scenarios that I've picked up and have been used to seeing all those years ago. When it comes to OCD being present, it just makes this 10 times worse because you not only remember all of these things but it uses it all against you with shame much more than I think it normally would. It's really hard to think that I should be giving myself love and compassion after these things but something to remember I guess is that this happened when we were younger and not at all understanding of sexuality or sex, no matter how curious we were at the time. If you ask me, I don't think that's the real you because the real you isn't attached to the things you've seen when you were younger. I can actually think of another example of this. My sense of humor was much more edgier and darker when I was a teenager and that all changed by the time I was in college. The stuff I used to find funny in a darker sense I no longer find funny and I'm actually taken by surprised that I found those things funny. My point is that, with the humor, I was a different person at the time. But with porn, I don't think it defined a person at all with what they watch. Yes, there are certain attractions that we do have but a HUGE group of those taboos that we see online are not due to attractions, but escalations that search results throw our way. I don't think you'd be here if you truly thought and accepted that you were attracted to animals. It's just intrusive thoughts saying that you might be and that you might act on it. It's hard to see all of that when it's constantly in your head and gnawing at you with it's attempts of shame, but when you put it into perspective it sort of helps. I've had bad escalations in my late teens into adult years as well, but I don't think it's that bad anymore. It's still a problem though. Being exposed to this stuff is really damn hard. It really is. I feel like it changes the way your brain is shaped and it's at such a very sensitive time of growth. I honestly can't imagine what my teen years would look like if they were good, but I'm just happy to be out of it. You should take what happened to you as not your fault, but unfortunately a string of bad things that just happened.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

That's a really good way to put it. I'm not that person anymore – and I know im a victim, because if not for me having been exposed to this stuff as a child, I wouldn't even be here now. It's just hard sometimes feeling like I should've known better or realized the gravity of what I was looking at, especially when I was 21. Still, it's not me. I've had pets, I currently have a dog, I've never once seem them in that way or have had any urge to do that kind of thing with them. It's like I didn't even equate the two as similar 😭 But yeah .. I know it's not me. OCD makes it hard not to define myself by my events in such a complicated situation. It's hard to give myself grace and acknowledging im a victim without feeling like I'm making excuses for myself. You know?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Northern_Downpour Maybe you were just really hooked on it all at the time. There was a time I was seriously hooked on it too and it sort of didn't matter what I was watching to an extent. You're not in that place anymore. You can see what really happened and you don't want to go back to that place. I'm sure you love your dog very much and you may get intrusive thoughts about your dog sadly, but I know you wouldn't act on whatever your thoughts say. You just knew what was real and what wasn't real, but it still had a huge effect on the way your mind worked. I know what the last part feels like all too well. Trying to say that I was a victim of it all, even if it is true, isn't good enough because I think that my case is different and that I think I'm not a good person because of it. That sounds like an unfair judgement coming from our intrusive thoughts.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 1y

Comment deleted by user

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

It will get better overtime, trust me. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, it will. It'll just take time. But hang in there, it'll be worth it. ♡

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous All the time. My OCD is pretty severe so I experience intense flare ups often. They're like prolonged panic attacks for me and can last weeks. I've even been bedridden by my OCD once. Currently being remedicated though so hopefully that helps.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I think what can help is making everything that happened clear and put into perspective to start out. You have a lot of things going on and it's tough. It's really difficult to make sense of all of it, but maybe we don't need to make sense of every single thing. What we should focus on is what we want out of the things that have happened to us. I think that's a good thing to keep close with us whenever we need it.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I think the shame and what your mind was wrapped up in at the time is keeping you from accepting this in a position of free judgement. What you did here is not connected to who you are on a personal level I don't think. Everyone watches pornography. Pornography doesn't make you a bad person. You even said that the you now doesn't identify with who you used to be. You realize that you've been through tough times when this but you have changed and you don't have to beat yourself up for it, when if thoughts may tell you that you deserve it

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Whatever it was, you were too young to fully understand what was happening even if you may think that you knew. We aren't equipped to handle those kind of things and they have an extreme effect on the mind. Do you speak with a therapist?

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Actually it can be outside factors like stress, being overwhelmed, etc. There's not always an OCD-related cause for a flare up. It varies from person to person. But im with you, they do feel like heart attacks or like you're dying. The anxiety is so bad for me sometimes I feel like vomitting. It's hard to use usual coping methods when it gets to that point.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I know that things will get better when you get therapy for sure. What happened to us is very traumatic and kids aren't meant to deal with those things by any means. They just don't understand it because their incapable of doing so. Labelling the thoughts can definitely help too. You're not alone on this and you can get the help you deserve!

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Also, just something I thought about randomly: For me, when I was really deep into the habit of watching porn, it wasn't necessarily about what I was attracted to when it comes to getting a dopamine hit, but how extreme things can get when it comes to watching it all. You get bored of what you've seen a bunch of times so you take it up a notch and then you'll feel the same way you first did watching porn when you see the more extreme thing. That's why search results and surfing can do easily get more shocking than the last because that's really how the cycle keeps going. My point is, when you were watching the shocking content that you were, it wasn't because of attraction but more because of how weird, extreme, or shocking it can be, but it also pushes your brain harder than it would normally for a dopamine hit. It's really something..

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous It did a number on me as well. I don't know if you've been exposed to pornography at too young an age like we have, but even if not, you don't have to let it characterize you.

Parker_b

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

Sexual Real event ocd.

Getting eaten alive by thoughts right now, when I was a child me and other kids around my age would experiment and do things we shouldn’t have, I’m talking very young, like 3-5 as I got older I was for whatever reason always curious to a horrible extent and it lead me to do in appropriate things to kids around me, I was 7-8 at the time. I would say it happened 3 times in total in my childhood. And i eventually told my parents the last time it happened because even though I didn’t know it at the time. I had ocd. And I knew it was bad. That was when it all started. I feel absolutely disgusted with my 7 year old self and it comes up every once in a while especially when I hear anything about sexual abuse. I’m nearly 20 now and I enjoy my life for the most part and I’ve been down the ocd path before but I feel unforgivable. And I never want to tell anyone about it, but my ocd seems to want that. I have a beautiful girlfriend that had some traumatic things happen to her and I love her with my soul. I don’t ever want that to come up. Because that’s not who I am. When will I be able to forgive myself? If at all I hope I’m not alone.

Real Events OCD

ughhhh

Date posted: 22w

I feel gross interacting with adult content.

18+ people with this thread please. I just want some advice from people who have experienced this. Its been almost 2 years since my real event and i can confidently say that i feel a bit better about that and my thoughts. (We still have bad moments but we recover.) but, ever since then and before, i feel nasty and gross whenever i engage or interact with adult content. Like this nasty guilt or feeling like i cant interact with it because then my ocd says “this proves that your thoughts are true and your perverse” and after i always feel empty and disgusting. Besides things like that, i read adult fan fiction sometimes or even write stories for my original characters. And yesterday i shared these stories with a close in person friend of mine. (Were both in college) and they were fine about it we laughed about it but then after i felt guilty-my brain was telling me “you traumatized her she just doesn’t wanna tell you” obliviously this isn’t true but im having a hard time believing it and this morning i woke up with a deep dread that i hurt a friend and im horrible. I can say that they’re more positive about these things then me and i think thats why we got into the conversation and i felt comfortable to share these stories but i just can’t get over it. I have a strong urge to ask for reassurance but i know it wont help. I literally have no one else to talk to about this. Ive spoken to my therapist about this guilt with adult content and we have yet to expand on it especially how it goes hand in hand with my asexuality. My therapist tells me its human to feel things like this and its ok to perform self care like that and again-im a human person its usually normal for 19 year olds to be like this especially for someone my age but i dont feel normal. I feel nasty. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you confront this guilt and how did you feel comfortable again interacting with these feelings and actions again? I dont really have a desire to do s*xual things often (im on the asexual spectrum) but when i do i dont want to feel like this. Especially when my ocd types effect it. Advice is needed and appreciated thank you for your help.

Anonymous

Date posted: 18w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

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