I don’t know what to do

I have suffered with HOCD for over four years. Even though my compulsions have decreased, I still have zero libido which is making me doubt everything. I feel like I am asexual and I’m just tired of living this way. I t hurts my heart that one tiny little thing (OCD) has completely destroyed my life and I feel like there is no way out of this. I’ve done ERP therapy, still no sex drive. I now feel so scared when I imagine myself in a relationship and I don’t know if that scared feeling is truly me or my OCD. I am totally hopeless. I don’t see myself ever getting married, having a boyfriend, or ever having a crush again. I don’t want to live my life like this, this isn’t living. I had so many plans for my future but now it seems like I’ll never reach them because of this burden.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: Michael.1993Michael.1993

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 41w ago

I always want to preface by saying I don’t want to give you reassurance, but rather encouragement. I’ve suffered with SO-OCD on and off since I was 12, I’m now 30 and married to a wonderful woman. I’ve had other subtypes, such as contamination, but sexual orientation has been my most prevalent by far. Back in June of last year, after years of remission, I had a gay dream that brought back my HOCD, just a few months before my wedding. It was miserable, I felt like you do now. I worried that I was lying to myself and I could never have a happy marriage with my wife because I’m in denial of being gay. After six months of NOCD therapy, I’m still having intrusive thoughts and the occasional false attraction-but let me tell you-giving these thoughts and feelings no importance and simply letting them be is so life changing. It’s hard, it’s been hard, it’s still hard, but everyday I edge closer to who I was before this flare up. If I can do it, you can do it. Let those incomparable thoughts about being asexual sit with you, let them increase your anxiety, but don’t give them ANY importance. OCD is like a bully, it will only pursue if you give it attention. You are strong, OCD has no hold on you. You can do this. Keep doing your ERP and give those thoughts zero importance!

Username: Michael.1993Michael.1993

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 41w ago

@Michael.1993 *uncomfortable thoughts not incomparable thoughts

Username: My OCD AcademiaMy OCD Academia

Date posted: 41w ago

I can relate. As a straight man, I’ve wanted a wife for so long and it feels like i’m in denial 24/7. Do you also have low anxiety and that reinforces the idea that it could be true

Username: Michael.1993Michael.1993

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 41w ago

@My OCD Academia Fellow straight man here. Low anxiety is a back door spike, it makes you feel like you want the thoughts when you’ve really only gotten so used to them that you’ve become numb to them in a way. I’ve learned this the hard way, I have daily back door spikes but I just remind myself that’s it’s OCD, do my ERP, and carry on with my day. It will get better, you just have to keep doing the work. You got this 👍🏻

Username: Mia MiaMia Mia

Date posted: 41w ago

@My OCD Academia Yup

Username: ZeldaKorr32ZeldaKorr32

Date posted: 41w ago

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're going through this. it sounds incredibly tough to deal with hocd for so long, and feeling like it's impacting your future and your ability to experience relationships and love. 💔 it's clear you've been putting in a lot of effort to find your way through, especially with trying erp therapy. by the way, have you heard about this new ai-powered ocd therapy tool called "unstuck?" when i was in a similar spot, what really made a difference for me was this free ai ocd therapy tool called "unstuck" (unstuckmyOCD.com/try) that my nocd therapist recommended. i think it'll be especially helpful for you because it offers personalized, step-by-step support for dealing with ocd, much like having an ocd therapist by your side. it could help navigate those moments when you're feeling particularly hopeless or unsure about your feelings and attractions. i hate when people promote stuff, but i really think it can help you because it's changed my life. lmk if you have qs or just want to talk more! <3

Username: Tolly537

Date posted: 5y ago

I hate that we have to suffer with sexual orientation OCD. Heck in the way, way past I was aroused by Lesbian porn but it never made me doubt my heterosexuality. But now with this OCD subject and the constant mental rituals ocd tells me that because of what I did in the past it means I’m a lesbian and I just haven’t realized it yet. And during ERP when the behavioral specialist tell me to imagine that the thoughts might be true (that’s what you have to do in ERP) it terrifies me and makes me so so sick. I just don’t want it to be true. I’ve always dreamed of having a husband, even now in moments like these I wish he was here to hold me now and tell me everything will be ok...

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: GrAYY

Date posted: 2y ago

My OCD theme is so embarrassing

My overall root fear has been loss of libido. It triggered my hocd, my rocd, and my health ocd. I don't know how to get over it. I want sexual activity to be fun again and not a compulsion. I want my libido back and I think about it all day every day. I stopped taking my medicine in fear of pssd, and now it feels like it's actually happening to me. I pray that nothing is wrong with my brain, relationship, or physical body that's stopping me from having a normal sex drive. I would do anything for an answer.

Username: PinkLotus

Date posted: 2y ago

When my soocd and rocd first hit hard, it really shattered my world and the kind of stability I had in life before the constant fear of losing the one I love. When I got my first job, I buried myself in the idea that I was too busy to deal with it anymore, it helped that I started school and got a pet hedgehog as well. But some nights it hits me that this hasn’t gone away at all, I don’t spend night after night or day after day stuck in the same thoughts anymore but I feel so cold inside like I’m not worth anything and like I don’t deserve the love and attraction I think I once felt for my sweet boyfriend. I feel like the fact that I can’t “feel” those feelings for him anymore that I’ve spent so long chasing means I don’t deserve him, I feel like even though the great anxiety has stopped I’m still trying to chase down that love feeling and how it “should” feel instead of just feeling it for what it is. I’m still terrified that if I let go of my walls that I’ll realize I don’t love him and lose him. It’s hurting me bad and making me resort to bad coping mechanisms. I’m starting to seek out validation again and craving that rush of infatuation when in reality the only one I want is my boyfriend. For almost a year and a half I obsessed about sexual attraction, it’s really affected my intimate life. I have self-esteem issues about my body, my “skills”, fear of not liking it enough and false expectations just all cause me to not feel much in my body and it makes me horribly sad. My boyfriend says I need to accept the possibility that the things I fear could be true and that I could be with someone else but it’s so hard because I really don’t want that but the longer I fight it the further away I feel from him. I didn’t think ocd could be this complex and cause such havoc on my life. I kind of miss when I felt extreme anxiety every day and had the same thoughts over and over because at least then it was easier to know it was my mind games at work. Now it just feels like I’m sabotaging myself daily by chasing the feelings of love I want. I don’t want to ruin this otherwise healthy relationship, my boyfriend is my best friend and I still want that. Can anyone relate to this? I feel like a lot of people just have the obsessiveness and I’m here trying to deal with the side effects of the after math and it makes me feel so alone

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I don’t know what to do

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