Game over...

I'm depressed, sad, angry, fucking livid... For some context my OCD has gotten to the point of not making any noise or light in order to do prevent my parents from being distracted when opening or closing the freezer and potentially trapping a stray cat inside, which would be my fault since I'm the one who made the distraction. Since it was becoming impossible to live correctly, because I would stay in one position watching videos with my headphones for hours while they were making food, I decided that I would just check the freezer once a day, a tedious process involving me having to record the entrance of the freezer with my tablet while removing everything and recording the insides of the freezer with my phone. After two days, I had enough and decided to just be careful but two days ago I was pissed off because I was waiting for my parents to go to bed which they usually do at midnight but it was 2 am and my dad had been dozing on the couch for almost 2 hours with my mom telling him to go to bed every 5 minutes. In anger, I squeezed my phone and it slipped, the bright side was now facing the window and could've been a distraction. I took it upon myself to not check the freezer and I haven't since, but I feel super guilty because I don't know if I did squeeze my phone knowing it would potentially make a distraction or not. Since then I feel like I lost, I've been trying to be as careful not to hurt a cat for a year with compulsions, a failure to do so would "corrupt" my hobbies, rendering them "bad" to do (I can't explain that feeling, it's like when you try to play a RPG but you mess up and it feels off, especially with perfectionism OCD). I also have kind of the same thing with my windows where it takes 30 minutes to close them because I need to check if a cat isn't on the windowsill with the same tablet and phone setup. I told my mom she shouldn't open the window in my room because it takes me a while to close it but she doesn't care, and today while returning home I found my windows half-opened because she returned my plant I had left on the balcony, and it's driving me crazy because how dumb can she be, she knows not to open it bit she does it anyway, and it's not like it was an urgent matter to return it and she could have placed it on my desk but nooooooooo... I'd check the windowsill now but I can't, I'm afraid my tablet makes ultrasound or EM waves that will distract my cats in the kitchen and that they will brush against the freezer door which could cause it to open and trap a cat inside, and it would be my fault because I would have made some noise with my tablet... I feel like I'm losing no matter what...

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Hi again! I know the feelings of anger and frustration you are talking about. I also know what it's like feeling like you have to wait for someone to do something (like go to bed, as you said); that can get frustrating too. I know the feeling like you "lost". I got that feeling A LOT. I think that, when someone does compulsions, it trains the brain that doing the compulsions is "winning", and so failure to do the compulsions is "losing", even if that's not true. Are you going to start therapy soon? I know that the last time we talked you said that it would be in a few weeks, and it feels like that might have been a few weeks ago when you said that

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

Hi! I did start therapy, though our first session was just me describing pictures my psychologist showed me. The feeling of having "lost" had diminished a bit, however my OCD is worsening at an alarming rate, today I had huge trouble going to university because I needed to check every door I closed to see if a cat was behind or going back to man hole covers to see if I had trapped a cat on one, the need to do it felt way stronger than usual and the feeling of dread wad also stronger, I almost missed my bus twice. I'm finding myself in more of the situation I described in this post, such as not being able to properly use the shower or brushing my teeth in fear the smell from products would distract my cats on the kitchen and that they will brush against the freezer's door leading it to open, same with leaving my room or turning on the lights, even keeping stuff on my phone because I believe using too much storage space will make it so the components of my phone will whir more and distract my cats... In short pretty much everything I do can be ground for me causing some sort of probability of locking a cat in the freezer in some way. I haven't been able to play a game since and I'm not sure I'll be able to for a while as to atone for my misdeeds, and even then I think it'll feel off for good now...

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend I'm sorry that OCD seems to be worsening for you. I hate it when that happens for me. I know that the pull to do a compulsion, as well as the dread, can be super strong. I also am aware of how debilitating OCD can be. OCD always seems to find a way to persuade me to believe that anything I could do could possibly result in the negative consequences. For example, with my fear of sin, I was afraid that even watching TV was sin, or that going to college was sin, so I felt like I couldn't do anything. I also have felt like I couldn't do certain things that I wanted to do because of my compulsions and fears. It's all a terrible feeling. I hope that your therapy goes well! I'm glad to hear that your therapy has started! How are you feeling about therapy?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I feel a bit sad about therapy because I feel like the psychologist wanted more thourough answers since they said the test was supposed to last twice as long. I dunno if we'll have other sessions though, I know we're supposed to have a third one so that they can give me the results but yeah... On the bright side, I haven't had the need to check the freezer since last time and I don't intend to, whatever happens happens. I'm still conflicted as to starting playing games again, I feel like I need to repent for potentially locking a cat in the freezer which involves quite a bit of time away from games as a punishment. I still need to keep quiet when people are doing stuff in the house as to not distract them so that they don't lock any cats up n the freezer. It's doable but also annoying. Another thing is that I'd like to do stuff on my pc but can't since I feel like my cats can hear the whir from it and it will annoy them or cause them to brush against the freezer door.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend Sometimes things like that happen to me too, where I doubt if it went as well as it should have. Yeah, whatever happens happens, but I know that it's still difficult and scary. And I understand feeling the need to repent and punish myself, and about being quiet. I've had pretty similar compulsions. If you remember and are want to, let me know how the results are! (Of course, you wouldn't need to tell me anything specific -- that's confidential)

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Just a bit after sending my message I got contacted by another hospital to be taken in therapy which should start next week. I also had an incident with my mom just now, I'm sorry but she's so incredibly stupid it's pissing me off so bad. I can't leave my room and as I said I can't make sound or light when someone else is in the kitchen, which I do everyday as to not distract them while they light be checking the freezer. I heard my mom bring food to my sister an hour ago and tell my dad not to bring me food because I was sleeping which I wasn't for obvious reasons, she didn't even check, she just assumed and had no reason to since I haven't done anything differently from other days. She finally decided to bring me food and I snapped at her yelled at her. I couldn't tell her it was because of the freezer since she would check it to prove a point afterwards and it would be because of me. I was hungry and angry but now I believe she will think about this argument and that it will distract her in opening the freezer and I can't leave my room to apologize.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend Sounds like you're having a really rough time. OCD takes over a lot of our lives. I'm sorry that there was an incident with your mother. Obviously I can't give clinical advice, but it isn't recommended to listen to everything OCD wants you to do. I know that isn't easy -- maybe that means starting small. Either way, I hope things improve for you. I know it all feels very real. So what's your therapy situation going to be? Are you still going to see the other therapist that you saw just recently? Are you going to be inpatient or outpatient at the hospital?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous I'm gonna see both, and I guess I'm gonna be an outpatient, there's no need for me to be kept in the hospital in my situation, not to mention I have college to attend to

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend Alright, all that sounds good! Are you looking forward to this therapy?

realeventwit...

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Yeah I think it'll be more thourough than the first one, I think I will only have a handful of sessions with the first psychologist so having a second one is welcomed.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@realeventwitsend It's great to hear that you are going to therapy! It's hard work, but you got this :) I hope you are feeling better since the incident

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Hey, it's been a while! How have things been going?

Aquario

Date posted: 23w

any tips for this stuff?

i keep having this stupid ass checking or obsession, idk to grab a piece of metal and see if ill put it in the microwave and make it blow up or burn the house down or something and im getting so so fucking tired of this shit, ill explain the story how it happened (cause of one incident where i did give in to the checking to the point of putting a magnet in the microwave, hitting the timer but immeditaetly stopping it, then starting it again, stopping quickly, all while screaming at myself to stop cause im terrified what im doing, then my dad came to see what was wrong and when i showed the magnet, he gave me this look of...fear? dissapointment? like i am a danger, even heard him telling my mom later how they need to be careful with me or else i could burn down the house, thankfully my mom knows my ocd a decent amount and brushed off his fear and comforted me, but ever since that day) Now my brain loves to torture me with the idea im a one slip up away from burning the house down, so ill be grabbing metal and seeing if ill put it in the microwave, and thing is, because how scary it is, its hard for me to breath or be calm, all i can do is scream and eventually call my mom when i can get myself to finally speak to tell my alexa to call mom im so tired of this shit and i dont know how to approach it

emma345

Date posted: 20w

Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

NSFW 17f So basically I did something sexual to the cat when I was younger. It wasn't like full on bestiality, my privates weren't touching the cat and I wasn't touching the cats privates but it was still sexual. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. It didn't harm the cat in any way, but of course it's still horrible. So I developed real event ocd that ruined my life complitely. Most of the time I don't think I will male it to 20. Sometimes it's a living hell. I developed it more than a year ago and I barely even remember this year cause I was so consumed with guilt it was the only thing in my head. So i also developed zoophilia ocd because of it. And I feel so bad cause I can't interact with my cat anymore. Because she wants to and I have to ignore her. Slowly I started to be scared to let her on my bed. So I stopped. Then in my room. Stopped doing that too. I still tried to give her some attention just outside of my room. Then I got scared to touch her. So I stopped doing that, but I used her brush to pet her with it and her toys to play with her so i don't physically touch her. Then my ocd went like but what if you are subconsciously using her for sexual gratification when you look at her? So now I can't even look at my cat. I look away when she is around, block my sight with a hand, close my eyes or if I can I leave. But the heartbreaking part is. Before I remembered what I did I was giving my cat a lot of attention. Like everyone says I'm her favorite and she only allows me to hold her and pet her the certain ways. So for all that time she is desperately trying to get my attention. She jumps on my rooms door, meows for a long time, tries to sneak in my room and stuff like that. And It's so sad I just have to ignore her. Especially cause she doesn't understands why. She was getting so much love and then randomly she is being ignored?? idk her real age cause we took her from the street, but she lives with us for 13 years, so she is not young. She is pretty healthy so I don't think she is going to die any soon but still. if I never get over it she will spend her last years of life ignored. and this makes me want to cry and want to throw up. but I don't know what to do. if I touch her I start freaking out and convincing myself that I used her somehow for sexual stuff even if I didn't do anything like that. I'm so scared. and also sad for her. and I miss my cat tbh. like everhtime I have to close my door when she tried to enter I feel so bad. but I'm so scared. because after what I did to her I'm already a monster. I don't want to add anything else. but I also feel bad for ignoring her.

HOY

Date posted: 16w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

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