Pocd

I am doing ERP by my own because I can’t afford therapy. I exposed myself to babies photos online, changing diapers videos, baby genitalia . All was done with google . I honestly feel like I am predator by viewing these photos even though they are just babies. I seen also a picture on research article of a female patient she is a minor and they have done sexual abuse check on her . The image was so triggering, it was literally a vagina. ℹ developed lots if obsessions with increased groinal responses. And now I fear that I enjoyed all what I have seen.

I'm 14m n I hope I have pocd and I've never got a official diagnosis, a lot of times I get what I hope is false attraction when I see certain kinds of kids, not all kids cause it, only some of them do, I'm worried that's a sign of actual acttraction, today I saw a reel on insta n it had some 8 year old kid in it, I felt what I hope is false attraction but it felt too real, I initially scrolled past it but I scrolled back idk why and watched the full reel with the kid in it, I really hope it was false attraction and not real, I don't understand why I scrolled back onto the reel, I don't think I should have done that, I'm worried it's actual attraction, just this past week I've met a girl my age whom I knew I was into, I don't get why this stuff is happening to me, but I don't want to be a pedo n I wanna be able to have a relationship with that girl I met. Also today I went to see a therapist for the first time and I described this situation and what I hope is false attraction, my therapist told me that feelings are just feelings unless you act on them, now I'm worried she was saying that I am attracted to kids but I'm just not acting on it, like I said, I really hope I'm not a pedo and that I hope I'm able to have a relationship with a girl my age but now I'm doubting myself so much, I'm starting to believe that I am just a pedo in denial, I don't understand what's happening with me anymore, I can't stand it all anymore. I've also never gotten a official diagnosis.

so I’ve been seeking therapy for my OCD for a few years. The theme that I’ve been dealing with most recently is the fear of becoming a pedophile, which then has led to intrusive images of me doing things to kids.Which now is just causing me so much distress and 24/7 constant thought cycle. I am starting to not be able to tell the difference between thoughts that are wanted/ unwanted- the line has become some blurry and these things are starting to feel like someothing i want to do. My brain keeps telling me to just test these thoughts and the “maybe”or”i don’t know” isn’t working. This has become such a barrier because the second layer is that I’m afraid that if I just let the thoughts be there it’ll make me be OK with doing those things and the fear is what’s keeping me from actually doing something inappropriate. It’s also transitioned into intrusive thoughts and images of me doing something very disgusting to my dog and that when I’m cuddling with him I get the thoughts to just do it or try it to see if i am actually a p*do. it’s almost like the compulsion would be to do the inappropriate thing, even though I know it’s wrong just to see how it would make me feel. I feel like i can’t control these urges even though i’ve never acted on it. At any point i could just do it. I’ve never had these thoughts before up until about a year and a half ago when my friend‘s boyfriend got arrested for soliciting a minor then all these thoughts came to life.Has anyone experienced something like this and have any advice?