I HATE GOOGLING COMPULSIONS 18+ only

No matter how much I know it doesn't help me I can't help but do them. I can't help but try my best to find an answer and I never do. I just want to find an answer to something I impulsively acted upon one day and hope I'm not going to die because of it soon. My health OCD always tells me that. I hate what my addiction turned into and I hate that I've had so much trouble to stop it for good. I'm still trying to this day but I'm still worried about the smallest things about my health. I can't help but Google forums about sexual health because of how much I've watched porn and acted on it and how it's affected my physical health besides mental health. I spent so many times searching on Quora what an answer could be and there were times where I thought I found an answer that I can sit with. But then I end up worrying and thinking all over again and just repeat the cycle. What I hate so much about searching on Quora is getting related questions from underaged people. I always try to scroll past them quickly and not read them because they're too disturbing and they trigger me. I just can't seem to find an answer that will help me. And groinals make this so much worse for me because I don't intend to read this stuff for arousal, I just want to stop worrying about my sexual health. I want to get checked for this but I'm afraid that others will know and I don't want them to know. Eventually I came across someone talking about an answer to a question and for some stupid reason someone decided to post a nude under their answer and it just triggered me heavily. I stopped searching for an answer afterward but I just hate how my actions have led up to this. I just that I've been struggling with this for so long and I hate that I'm probably gonna end up doing this all over again.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

With OCD, it's tricky. Because logically, you know you won't find an answer that will satisfy you. But the anxiety, the urgency, and the OCD telling you that somehow if you don't find an answer then that means your worst fears are true — that's why you keep going back. And I know it's that much harder when you feel physical symptoms of your OCD, you're urgent to quell whatever you're feeling to get you out of your discomfort even for a moment. But that's what makes OCD stronger. It's telling you that you have power over it and that if you keep doing what it says, then you'll come out okay. The reality is, OCD is just as lost as you. It doesn't know a damn thing. That's why you end up in loops, and no matter how much time you spend, you'll never find the answer OCD is promising you. That all to say. Delay your compulsions. Even if for a few minutes. Tell yourself you'll do something else first, then you'll do your compulsion. See how long you can hold off, and slowly practice this overtime. Soon you'll find it'll be easier to avoid googling. I also know personally once an answer triggers me, I feel less compelled to Google things because I'm worried I'll be triggered again, which I guess is a double edged sword. There's a thing we say in the journalism world that I think also applies to OCD and that's "find comfort in chaos". Be anxious. Let yourself be anxious. But find comfort in knowing that you don't have to do anything right now. I know knowing you have no control can sound scary, but try to reframe in. You have no control. You don't have to do these compulsions, nothing will change. you don't have to spend all this time spiraling. I know it's easier said than done. But it's worth a try.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

I think you should repost this in your own post for others to see. It's so well articulated and it's so grounded with what OCD is and what it's doing to us, and it's very helpful. When I saw this, I was up really early in the morning, trying to go back to sleep. It was hot, I was dehydrated, and I kept thinking about something that happened while I was playing a game which I know isn't as big of a real as my OCD says, but it's still trying to get me and turn it into POCD. As I was looking for some kind of reassurance while at the same time not telling to Google heavily to find it, I came across your post. I got so tired that I went back to sleep and here I am reading it all and responding to it :). It's so well said and helpful. Thank you. I really need to just fight the urge to do compulsions. Sort of like how I fight other urges to do things I don't want to do.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

Hi. I hope you've been doing well!

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Hi omg !! I've been alright ! How have you been??

BigGyro09

Date posted: 43w

So this just happened again and I'm really disturbed and disgusted because this time I couldn't help but do the compulsions to try and find an answer and I didn't really find an answer even though they seemed to be sensible. This time it involved people sharing pictures of their conditions in regards to their sexual health. This was so doctors could see what it is they were trying to help their patients with and for patients to try and get the same answer because of hearing the same or similar issues. As all of them should be. But.. there was one who was a minor that had pictures and the link loaded everything really really fast but I backed out instantly. Before clicking the link I had no idea what they were a minor and I would have never clicked it if I knew that they were. Never in my life would I have done that. I'm just really disgusted that there were pictures even though doctors would have to help those people and see things like that. I just wish I hadn't seen it and I feel like I screwed up badly because I can't help my reassurance seeking.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 43w

@BigGyro09 I can't remember when or where I read this, but. Seeing something is a neutral action. You accidentally saw something and clicked back immediately. There's nothing here that can even begin to be your fault. On top of that you were reassurance seeking ... and I know people without ocd won't understand how hard it is to resist a compulsion when it feels like every cell in your body is SCREAMING for you to comply but in the end, you have a disorder. It can't be helped and you can't really be blamed for that. Either way, don't let your ocd pick up on that, lean into the uncertainty but accept that accidents happen as well and that's completely different from malicious intent.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 43w

@Northern_Downpour I've been trying to just let it go but I couldn't because of the thought that was saying I'm awful for letting this happen. I don't know why, but the reassurance of it coming from someone else makes it more tolerable. I just hope I can stop doing this to myself and finally get myself to a doctor. I'm just going to try and forget about it. I hope you're doing okay and I hope OCD isn't tormenting you at all.

Northern_Dow...

Date posted: 43w

@BigGyro09 The medical system really sucks. It's so hard just to get help with mental health these days. But I feel you. I know reassurance is bad but I feel like it genuienly helps my real event stuff compared to non-real event ocd where it gets worse with reassurance. Not sure why that is. But I'm hoping you can get help and in the meantime try to tolerate the anxiety. I dont think you did anything wrong. But I'm doing OK! I've been sick all week so I'm still recovering from that. My moral ocd is being an ass as usual but what can you really do? I just wish it would stop ruining my interests for me. I've been working on it with my therapist for a while now but it still gets me.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 43w

@Northern_Downpour Yes, exactly! I just feel like I need that reassurance even more when it comes to real things that have happened and are not just in my head. I just can't shake it off that easily. I don't know why that is either.. I plan to just talk to my therapist about everything and then hope to see a medical doctor about my concerns. I just don't want to keep doing this anymore and I definitely do want to run into things like that by accident. I'm sorry that you're sick but I hope you get better! Do you think your therapist has been helping you? Do you want to talk about it?

moon0270

Date posted: 20w

Google

At the beginning of this year, I experienced false memories for the first time about watching bad stuff online, which I have never done in my life. I then turned to hours upon hours of googling and researching about it and reading articles about it. I'd sometimes google the same articles or topics multiple times a day. I then also remembered that I watched a clip once from Big Mouth (not knowing they were teens at the time). I became so afraid that I was being watched by the authorities or my ISP simply for doing research that I impulsively deleted my Google activity and became extremely paranoid that I was a bad person and a criminal, even though I'd never ever had these types of thoughts before. Then felt bad afterwards because I was like omg what if i am bad because what if it seems like I'm trying to hide a crime. I just really hate myself rn. I know we shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I'm more just pondering this, does this make me a bad person? Is there anyone else who has experienced something similar? Does this mean I still have OCD? or am I truly just only worried about how other people see me? Even while typing this, I'm asking myself, what does this all mean.

Anonymous

Date posted: 19w

Masterbation OCD/real event OCD

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

💟

Date posted: 17w

kink stuff (sorry this is long)

I was looking up stuff about kinks, because my friend is trying to help me "get out there", and I took the bdsm test to see where I land on it. I got 100% vanilla, and I was a little embarassed so I decided to Google things like "is it normal to not have a lot of kinks" or "what % of the population is into kink" and when I scrolled down a bit, I clicked on one of the little suggestion things with the arrow that said "are men more prone to enjoying kink than women" and it revealed a blurb from the website that said that men are in fact more inclined to kink, but also mentioned that it also means they're more inclined to p*dophellia, which sort of set off all these questions in my head of like "Wait so if p*dophellia is just a kink, does that make it more likely that I have it? Because scientenists still don't know what causes it so what if events in my childhood led up to me having it to some extent" and I started kind of going down this internal rabbit hole of trying to figure out how likely it is that I have it or some form of it bc if it's just a kink and not a mental illness than it feels more feasible? Idk I'm a woman so ik it's not AS common in us but it's still possible. I'm doing a little better with redirecting my attention and cooling my anxiety but I had an onslaught of intrusive images before falling asleep like I used to have when I first started experiencing this fear. It's been really catapulting me back to the beginning and I find that I'm ruminating on when it started and if it really means I'm a p or not. I know it's classic ocd but it's hard when it doesn't feel that way ;-; anyway, I'm too scared to Google bc i know it'll be a form of reassurance but also I'm just scared of having anything related to that in my search history so I just thought I'd post here. Anyone else have conflicting thoughts like this?

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I HATE GOOGLING COMPULSIONS 18+ only

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