What can I say to my 30 something daughter when she says she won’t go in my car because my bag touched the floor near where a ladybug died and I put my bag on the passenger seat. Now the seat is contaminated. She is living with me right now and not driving.
Here is some advice : 1. Validate her feelings: Acknowledge your daughter's concerns and let her know that you understand that it is distressing for her. Show empathy and understanding towards her anxieties. 2. Communicate calmly: Have an open and understanding conversation with your daughter about her worries. Let her know that you appreciate her honesty and that you want to find a solution that can help her feel more comfortable. 3. Offer reassurance: Explain the steps you have taken to address the situation, such as cleaning or removing the bag from the car. Reassure her that you are taking her concerns seriously and that you are willing to work together to find a solution. 4. Set boundaries: While it is important to address your daughter's concerns, it is also important to set boundaries to maintain a balance. You can discuss strategies to manage her anxiety while also ensuring that your own needs and comfort are respected.
@Anonymous here Thank you for your response. I do pretty much all of this. I wasn’t sure if I should clean the seat or not put my bag there. I didn’t want to make things worse by doing this. I will put a cover on if she would like. I am still trying to figure this all out.
@Anonymous here I moved the ladybug outside and she was ok with that.
While enabling is not a good solution with ocd, sometimes accommodations need to be made so that people can somewhat live their lives while they are going through the treatment process, until they get to a place where they feel strong enough to fight back. When I had contamination ocd as a teen, and until I was ready to face that particular exposure, we used seat covers for the drivers’ and passenger seats in our car so that I could sit there. They sell them at most retailers (Amazon, Walmart, etc). Sometimes they are marketed for pet protection, so you can look them up that way as well. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. And to echo everyone above, what she needs above anything else is compassion and understanding. Trust me, from experience (and I am about your daughter’s age), we would give anything not to feel like this, and we hate it just as much as you do. She would fight it if she could - what she needs most of all is your support and kindness as she goes through therapy and/or medication to be able to fight back the OCD. And it may take some time - don’t rush her, as long as she is taking steps forward, it’s okay if they are very small steps. Progress will build
@User11123 Thank you! I appreciate your feedback. I do accommodate for some things but not others. Just not always sure how much to do. Glad to hear the don’t rush part because others have said she needs to be doing more.
@Anonymous It’s definitely good to do more if she feels like she can, but from experience, it does a lot more harm than good to push faster than were ready - I found the most success when I had a therapist who would go in itty bitty steps with me - I would touch a tissue to something contaminated, then touch it to another tissue and repeat that maybe ten times, and then touch that tissue to myself without washing, thereby “decreasing” the amount of contamination I was touching. If someone had pushed me to touch the contaminated object directly at that point in time, I would’ve screamed and protested with all my might. But the ten-times removed tissue was something that felt possible - and then each time, we would move up to 9 tissues, then 8, and before I knew it I WAS touching that contaminated object directly. But having the ability to work at a pace that felt possible to me, made all the difference in my self-motivation and willingness to engage in the exposure. And it was wildly successful!
@User11123 Thank you! I think that is where she is at. I’m happy you have had success with it! We are only 2 and 1/2 months into this so it is so helpful to hear of others experiences.
@User11123 Is it typical for the person to be angry at the support person but generally nice to everyone else? This seems to be happening with us. There was a situation today and she blamed me for it. This also seems to happen quite often if she gets triggered.
@Anonymous I’ll admit, I have had that happen to me, where I am so overwhelmed with the anxiety of the OCD that I would struggle to manage my emotional reactions to other things, and would lash out in situations particularly that involved OCD. I think it is common to react that way to the support person, because as illogical as it is, it feels like that is the person “forcing” you to face this terrifying thing. I would compare it sometimes to a glass that is empty versus a glass that is full to the brim - if you put a drop of water into an empty glass, it’s no big deal. But if you put a drop of water into a glass that is completely full, it will start to spill over. When I was facing the worst of the OCD, it felt like my emotional “glass” was so full with everything I was dealing with inside, that even small things (like the metaphorical drop of water), would send me over the edge, even if it is the kind of thing that wouldn’t usually seem like a big deal to someone who wasn’t dealing with the OCD (the “empty glass” people, so to speak). I’m sure she feels badly for acting out, and while it isn’t okay to treat you like that, I can certainly relate to where she is coming from, though I am not proud of it. The OCD is one of the scariest things to face head-on, and it’s hard to not feel a little resentful toward the support person who is pushing us to face that fear. However, in hindsight, I’m exceptionally grateful for the support people who pushed me (gently) to face it, because ultimately that led to recovery at that time. I think it is similar in a way the way addicts react to an intervention - there is a lot of anger toward the people who are making them face this very scary problem, but ultimately once they get help and are in recovery, they are usually very grateful for the people who pushed them to get better.
@User11123 I also just want to say that I think it’s wonderful you are turning to this community for advice - it’s really great that you care so much about helping your daughter through this. I also believe that there are support groups for family members/supporters of individuals with OCD - if you go to the IOCDF website and look under support groups, they should show different types. That may be useful as well as a support system for yourself and as a way to learn about how others have navigated similar situations.
Thank you all for your comments. It really helps to get advice from others who know what it’s like.
Hey everyone. Need some advise. My bf told me that he thinks I use my OCD as an excuse to get out of things. Like riding his four wheeler through the mud and watching horror movies. I am terrified of catching some sort of infection from the muddy water surrounding his property and the images from horror movies fuel my religious ocd and also make their way into my intrusive thoughts. Any suggestions on what to say to him to explain how I’m feeling? We have been together forever and I really want him to understand so we can work together to lesson my fears. Thanks :)
Hey, this is my first time posting and to be honest my first time really openly talking about my ocd so I’m just going to talk into the void and see if it helps. I’m having a really hard time right now and I’ve seen that for a lot of people here that NOCD has a good community of people. There’s a lot overall to unpack but right now the thing I’m really struggling with is contamination (particularly focused around death and what objects might have come into contact with people who have died, basically.. my wife’s grandmother just passed and I’m having a really awful time. My mother passed a few years ago, which caused me to get really sick and this is the first death I’ve dealt with since and with everything coming into the house that belonged to her (she died in her house.) I keep feeling worse and worse. (This plus covid has been.. awesome.) Multiple showers, hand washing, changing clothes.. I feel really frustrated with myself and completely ashamed because I’m obviously not being a good enough partner. My wife has been there.. she’s trying, she’ll shower or wash her hands if I ask but not without getting furious with me first, she acts as if I’m lying if I say she touched something that really bothers me. She takes it very personally and tells me that I don’t trust her enough (if I’m Anxious and need something repeated.) tonight I got called crazy and honestly I just feel like an ass of a person.
I have a question.. I think my friend has ocd.. but obviously I don't want to diagnose or like make her uncomfortable but she does ask me for ALOT of reassurance i noticed of whether she is a good person and /or whether the thing she did will make her sick.. and her hand washing has reached a point where her skin is cracking... What is the right thing to do here? I am happy to reasure her if that's what is good for her but I do clearly from the outside see that she's in a loop... So am i enabling her? .. I obv don't know if even she actually has it.. cause she's never been diagnosed or even thought about it.. But I don't want to cause more harm.. idk.. I'm just getting concerned.. shes been living at her parents who are not the best people.. and has not gone outside even in her yard for fear of the neighbours breath coming in her yard.. and i feel like she's getting worse... Idk what to do.. feels like it's none of my business except that she always gets her reassurance from me.. o.o Thoughts?
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