rocd

@Meowko thank you. i had this once before in 7th grade i was dating smn else and liked this ex im talking abt now like obviously i felt bad abt liking him but i ended up getting over the person i was dating & missed him for a while but my crush for this ex took over my focus but i ended up dating this ex for months so im worried that will happen w all these random crushes or ppl i find attractive and that theyre real attractions bcs i hyperfixate on feeling love in the moment and once i fixate on that i can never feel it and convince myself that since i dont feel it that im just forcing myself and i dont actually like him anymore which i don't want :(

@Anonymous also i used to be so attracted to his smell and so attracted to his face and everything and now it feels like im forcing everything cuz i cant feel any of that like how i used to and idk if thats because of the fixation or bcs ive just lost it or what bcs when im not with him i feel heartbreak but when i am w him all these thoughts and fixations r all i can think about

@Anonymous I think it’s cause you got used to him, I I’m sure you know what you have in him, otherwise you wouldnt be so scared that other people will grab your attention. What happened in 7th grade was awhile ago, I say you were too young. I assume it has been awhile since it happened.

@Meowko i hope youre right the small uncertainty just terrifies me and i spiral into making it something worse:/

@Anonymous I know how you feel :( I also have bad rocd with my boyfriend, but we are going to be okay. If you ever need to talk you can just reply to my comments

@Meowko thank you so much! yeah i think the fact that when i'm trying to feel all those things in the moment and i never can i get so worried and then when i do feel them it feels forced or weird bcs its different than how it used to feel before i ever experienced the rocd with him and idk if its normal to just not feel anything when ur fixating on trying to feel something

@Anonymous Yes that is very common, it’s because you are pressuring yourself to feel that feeling again, and when you do feel it you doubt it, common OCD symptom. Just remember that you have a disorder, does he know you have OCD?

@Meowko yes he knows but i dont think he understands what it is in terms of thoughts because he has a very simple mind in comparison its kind of hard to explain these types of things but he does know abt it and i try not to share all the explicit detailed thoughts until they get bad because i dont want to make him insecure over smt that doesnt reflect how i actually feel

@Anonymous I understand, maybe try to get him to research it a little bit so you don’t have to confess, but he will get better understanding of how to handle your episodes.

@Meowko i wish there was a way for me to regain mt feelings and tackle these thoughts but the feelings and thoughts are all intertwined and no matter what when i do feel it again i always doubt it or just feel like its not the same and start comparing it to before and convince myself its forced

@Anonymous Are you in Therapy? I feel like ERP could seriously help, because from what I have heard it seems like you do have strong feelings for him, you are just confused because OCD is strongly attacking you and your lover

@Meowko I'm getting into it in the beginning of april!! im on setraline right now but i havent noticed differences so i'm hoping to benefit from therapy

@Meowko but also part of the time after we broke up i tried to accept i lost feelingd and enjoy attention from other guys and at some points i enjoyed it i had this exciting fluttering crush on some guy and then he ghosted me and i went back to my ex and i felt so guilty for liking that guy and i felt guilty for thinking i wouldnt have gone back to my ex if the other guy hadnt ghosted me & he convinced me to do no contact w my ex and stuff and now its obviously different w my ex i dont want think any other guy could fill the void the way he does but im scared and sad that break in between was enjoyable and it meant smt abt my feelings or lack of feelings for him which i dont want it to now

@Anonymous How long have you been on Setraline? It can take up to 2 months to take effect. And what you did while you were broken up does not matter, you guys were broken up. You shouldn’t feel guilty, everything happens for a reason. Maybe that guy ghosted you cause you were meant to be with your boyfriend. If you and your boyfriend weren’t meant to be you wouldn’t have found a way back to each other, that’s how I like to see things.

@Meowko thats how i like to think of it too i just dont want it to reflect poorly on my feelings now. but i really appreciate your support and advice because it has been getting me through the day with all these thoughts and fixations. thank you:) i've been on setraline for a month so far so still waiting to see the effect but hoping to incorporate therapy as well and thrive off of both. is it helpful with rocd?

@Anonymous I get that, I think ERP can help with the fear of it reflecting poorly on your feelings, so yes to your question. Definitely get an OCD specialist, ERP is really helpful, it is scary at first but it is worth it. Hopefully the medication starts kicking in! And of course!! It actually helped me keep my mind off some of my themes too, so thank YOU! :)

@Meowko i got drunk today and i wwnt to a party whicb makes me super touchy and i gelt this urge to be touchy and flirt w guys which i know id feel guilty abiut later but idk if that reflects poorly on my feelings abt my ex/bf wtv we are but i obviously want to be fully directed towards him and i didnt do anything weird or bad bcs i tried to stay conscious of that but i still feel super guilty for even having those urges is that weird? or uncommonv

@Anonymous um scared i have a crush on his friend now bcs i recently found him attractive and when i call or talk to him im scared i enjoy the attention too much to the point of a crush and i saw him tonight thought the samr things and had thoughts imagining if we got together and usually i havw those about who i have crushes on whcih i dont want but im scared

@Anonymous It’s not uncommon or weird, thats kind of human nature, you will still find other people nice, but you also have OCD so it all feels a lot more extreme, I think as long as you don’t act on those thoughts everything is going to be just fine.

@Anonymous I don’t think it’s crush related, otherwise you would enjoy it, but if these thoughts result in panic at some point, then they are intrusive. Its hard to understand and believe, but they seriously are intrusive, and from everything I have read, I 100% believe they are intrusive. If you really wanted those thoughts and you did not care about losing your boyfriend, you wouldn’t be on here replying to my comments. You are fine, you did not do anything bad. We cannot control what we think, we have OCD

@Meowko i'm scared i enjoy it in the moment and want to be touchy with other guys snd have everyone give me attention which seems wrong to want/enjoy and i dont act on it bcs i soon feel guilty afterwards but it still stresses me out

@Anonymous You just answered your own fear! You wouldn’t act on it, if you really wanted to, trust me you would act on it and you would NOT even feel guilt afterwards for just thinking about it. It is incredibly hard to understand with OCD thats why people call it the doubting disorder, but this is just OCD. Definitely look into a therapist, but I can also recommend Brain Lock, it covers ROCD and examples of other peoples relationship.

@Meowko i just had a dream too about dating someone else while dating this guy and enjoying it & then i remembered how much i enjoyed the attention yesterday and how whenever im drunk around multiple guys i want a bunch of attentionand to be touchy and that is genuinely so bad because i get close and i feel guilty in the morning but in the moment i almost want to indulge in it and i do my best not to bcs i know ill regret it but i dont get why i even want to in the moment i hate this feeling

@Anonymous It is OCD. It intensifies the feeling, definitely get the book Brain Lock on Amazon, it explains OCD and how it works. It also gives you 4 Steps to deal with the guilt. I don’t want to reassure you too much cause it is not good for OCD and I feel like me reassuring you has made you doubt yourself even more. I know you don’t see it right now, it is hard, but you have OCD, you have a disorder.

@Meowko my problem is what if the feelings are genuine and natural and they reflect that i dont actually like him and that i just want attention from multiple guys but the ocd just makes me stress about it more. i will look into the book

@Anonymous I don’t think that is the case, OCD attacks what we care about. If he did not mean anything to you, you probably would not stress as much. The best to do in a situation like this is to just sit with the uncertainty, and be like "Ok so what if I want attention from other guys?" ( Without acting on those feelings of course) , that is the opposite of how OCD wants you to act. If you panic and ruminate, the feelings will become stronger and stronger. I learned that the hard way.

@Meowko it terrifyingly feels so real and genuine like all the feelings i just dont get how they can feel so real and be a disease

@Anonymous I know :( It fucking sucks, it feels like it will never stop, but it will get better. What helped me was spending more time with my boyfriend, I eventually realized "Okay I do love him!". Maybe that will help you too. Keep your head up

@Meowko yeah but things r different because i used to get so excited and go awww and be so happy when he would say super romantic cute things to me and now it feels like i feel nothing even though i would get so sad if he said that type of stuff to anyone else but i dont get why i dont feel anything now when he says it all i can think about is this stuff and how im not feeling anything idk what that means

@Anonymous Because you can’t enjoy it since you are too much in your head. You can’t enjoy a vacation if you keep on worrying about the what ifs.

@Meowko what if it foreve rbothers me and i never regain that feeling when he says romantic thingd

@Anonymous See "what if", you are having an OCD thought right there. Did you ever look into finding an OCD specialist? They can definitely help, you will not feel like this for the rest of your life

@Meowko no but i want to get that book you mentioned

@Anonymous I think that can also help a lot, my therapist recommended it to me, she also uses some steps in our Therapy. If that does not help, please see if there is someone around you that offers ERP therapy, it would really help you

@Meowko how are you supposed to know what urges feelings thoughts etc especially crushes or attractions to other people are based off of ocd or if theyre real and genuine and just a feeling u dont want but inevitable to feel like a "meant to be" crush bcs they often feel so natural and real as if im just meant to feel that way and its not ocd

@Meowko i'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts abt a crush or something that i dont want to have bcs it feels like the beginning of a lot of unwanted crushes ive had before that unfortunately turned into crushes anyway even though i desperately didnt want them to be. idk what to do

@Anonymous I doubt they will develop into actual crushes since that is now a fear you have. Like I said, it is perfectly normal/human to feel attraction towards other people. If you had a genuine crush you would enjoy the feeling, you do not. Having a crush often makes you giddy and excited, but you are fearing and ruminating, you are compulsing. You replied to my message, which means you are most likely seeking reassurance, which is clearly OCD. You are okay, OCD is playing tricks on you.

@Meowko i feel like i get excited abt things i dont want to get excited about what if it is natural or genuine but i just want an excuse for my feelings bcs every time i have a crush even tho i dont want it it starts out with this denial stage and then it turns into smt anyways. i posted smt abt it a long rant but nobody replied :(

@Anonymous How do you know OCD is not just tricking you? I doubt if you were looking for an excuse you would be so self aware right now, you would not question it and just run with the "excuse". I’m sorry about nobody replying to you. I am also sorry for my late response, I sometimes don’t get notifications for this

@Meowko no need to be sorry i appreciate the response anyway, idk if my ocd is tricking me i fear/suspect that some of it is genuine / natural and smt im meant to feel as if im meant to be with them. and when ppl say any intrusive crush is due to ocd i question whether its an ocd crush or if its intrusive bcs i dont like the idea but its still inevitable and smt my heart is meant to gravitate towards which i don't want. i have that w one of my bf's friends bcs they already make jokes abt me flirting w that friend and its made me question a lot od things like if him and i ever hang out alone or he picks me up even tho its all respectful to my bf i wonder if i secretly try to take advantage of my bfs absence to enjoy the attention of being w the guy alone. sometimes i wonder if im standing too close to him or closer than i would stand if my bf were there with me or if im being touchy or anything. and i think this guy is not bad looking and i try to give myself icks bcs i used to be sure i wasnt attracted to him but recently ive been unsure and i alwags have this feeling of trying to be everyones closest friend even w guys like him or feeling happy when they ask me for help w smt or come to pick me up or things likr that alone sometimes in a friend way sometimes idk if thats normal or romantic etc or emotional cheating. and today he wanted my help covering his tattoos with makeup and i tried to make him do it himself so i wouldnt touch him and the whole time i was trying to be super cautious not to do anything that wld give off the wrong impression and i told my bf everything right after abt what happened but there were some points where i wld have to help blend in the makeup w my brushes and on his biceps so i had to get a little closer and i stood a little close to help direct him thru the makeup so he could do most of it w his own hands but im super scared / stressed now that i took advantage of my bf not being there and that i blended the makeup and stuff too closely and i wonder if i wouldnt do that if he was there w me even tho i feel like i would but it wld make him uncomfortable idk i tried my best to be respectful but at the same time im scared i didn't and i feel like i emotionally cheated and i am super scared also bcs this is the guy i question having a crush on so idk if i took advantage of my bfs absence or not i need advice. on top of that the guy posted a video in my car bragging that i got the tattooos covered and i got xcited to be on his story or that he was showing off us hanging out but i dont ant to feel that but it feels too real like wha if its a crush that despite not wanting, its real and my actual feelings

@Anonymous You did NOT emotionally cheat. I can promise you that. It is normal to get excited to be posted, I get excited too, but that is also cause my OCD makes me feel isolated and feeling like people like me enough to not be embarrassed to hang out with me makes me happy, maybe same thing is happening to you, but you are questioning that happy feeling too much. If it was a real crush you would again not question it too the point you do

@Meowko what if it becomes bigger and bigger until i catch feelings and cant do anything abt it? i start thinking abt the person so much til the point i just cant stop then i start romanticizing them it feels too real :(

@Anonymous Is your boyfriend treating you right? Does he make you feel loved, does he treat you how you want to be treated. My boyfriend mistreated me heavily at the beginning of our relationship and I would rant to other guys, I made sure they knew I was in a relationship, but I also imagined if I would be happier with other people, I fantasized about other people. Thoughts and fantasies are okay as long as they stay thoughts or fantasies. I remember feeling bad because I thought a guy had cute style and confessed to my boyfriend. He worked with me and now I do not feel attraction towards other men, it does get BETTER. Your situation reminds me very much of mine, and I turned out to be just fine and recovered from it, the same will happen to you, you will recover

@Meowko i think we have a little toxicity here and there but genuinely i cant ever find myself to blame him bcs i can see he does his best to be a good person and prioritize himself snd the flaws he does have are completely unintentional and just due to the fact that we r young. obviously he does some stuff that rubs me the wrong way but i honestly enjoy feeling jealous or sad abt it bcs it reinforces that i like him bcs i have sm ocd abt not liking him. and all this crush stuff just has me messed up cuz it feels so real. sometimes it scares me sm even reassurance doesnt convince me its not real and then i start ruminating and once im arnd the person i get so insanely stressed out i cant do anything but think abt feelings and crushes and everything its horrible

@Meowko i literally had multiple dreams last night abt one of my old crushes and i had sm thoughts abt like ditching my bf for that guy in my dream and it kept replaying and now its romanticized in my head and i have had a million dreams abt this guy i hate it so much bcs im always so happy in my dream it scares me that irl if he made a move i would fold for it bcs i think hes really attractive its makimh me feel like shit

@Meowko bd i keep having thoughts like i feel like i could romanticize a new romance with anyone else but not my bf and i hate that feeling

@Anonymous I think you should look into finding an ocd specialist. I don’t know how old you are, but if you are old enough to find yourself a therapist, then definitely do so, if you are a minor you should talk to your parents about your situation and tell them how it affects your daily life, I think by trying to reassure yourself on here you are making your episode 1000x worse. In the end the only thing that can really help is by sitting with the uncertainty.