I need advice. Iāve had OCD in different forms since I was eight. Iāve been with my boyfriend for two years now. He has always been subtly anxious and jealous. He would say things like, āI find everyone but you uglyā or āI could never find anyone else attractive.ā That stressed me out morally, especially since itās our first relationship and I, of course, want to be good enough for him. It started around the three-month mark of our relationship.
Now to the problem: When I see someone who is attractive or cute, it already begins. I start thinkingāor rather, I donāt just think, I feel. I genuinely and naturally feel these emotions, like I find that person attractive, like I like them, like I want them. I even feel infatuated, like I want to be with them, spend time with them, be their partner, even sexual scenarios or feelings like I love them. These emotions feel so natural and real that I canāt tell the difference. With one person, Iāve had these feelings for over a year. But I only know most of these people by sight. It could be that Iāve fallen in love with the idea of them. Thatās a big issue for me. It completely goes against my moral values. I donāt want this. For me, it would be terrible to have a crush on someone else, to like someone else, or to fall in love with another person. Or worse, to love someone else. Because I do love my partner, and I want a future with him. And I know the relationship wouldnāt survive if my fears came true. Even if he always tells me, āNo, I wouldnāt break up with you,ā I couldnāt live with it myself.
And the thing is, itās not even such an unrealistic fear. Itās not like Iām afraid I want to kill someone or that I have feelings like that. No, this topic Iām dealing with involves real people. There are many people who suddenly fall for someone else, who develop a crush or even fall in love with another person. And I canāt reconcile that with myself. A year ago, I saw someone, and it hit me like a shock (I think in a negative way). Yes, he is attractive or cute. But in that moment, I felt so much fear, panic, and adrenaline because I felt and thought that I liked him more than my partner. When that happens, I start testing my feelings again. And of course, I feel exactly what Iām afraid of. I then constantly feel this pressure or burden, along with guilt. When I think about a scenario, or imagine the person, those feelings come immediatelyāfollowed by fear, panic, and guilt. Because of that, I avoid certain places, things, or even numbers because Iām afraid of being triggered.
By now, Iām convinced these are my true feelings, because I just canāt imagine that OCD could produce such emotions, and for such a long timeāsometimes over a year. I simply donāt want this. I just feel awful, like a monster. What should I do?
