Confused

I’ve never had an official diagnosis but I’m in a miserable place right now. I experience terrible anxiety (usually pass out whenever I have a panic attack) but what has been bothering me is this overwhelming sense of guilt. I keep ruminating over conversations and events, so much so that I feel ashamed of everything I’ve said or done. Moreover, every time I hear, watch or read something even remotely related to a less than positive experience in my life, I feel overcome with fear and tend to escape into this make-believe world where an idealized version of myself articulately clarifies whatever I’ve said or done. All this has reached a point where I feel racked with guilt even about the few things I might’ve achieved or the happy times I’ve had in the past: can’t help but think that the only reason I experienced them is because I had the comfort and opportunities to do so (I feel like I’ve robbed someone else of their chances because I haven’t earned any of this). I’ve started feeling like I lack a moral compass, and my thoughts are torturing me. Every time I overcome one intrusive thought, another come rushes in and so forth. It’s like I want to remain miserable. I posted it here because I’ve been trying to figure out what this isn’t and from whatever I’ve read so far, the symptoms seem most like ocd. I’m planning to go to a therapist soon but feel terrified about sharing all this!

This is half a vent session, half me asking for advice but: My OCD symptoms started on april 2020, one month after the pandemic. that has led me to constantly question whether it’s OCD or anxiety and of course i can’t really diagnose myself but it behaves very differently from anxiety. i’ve also been doing research and reading about OCD for over a year and i honestly honestly think i have OCD because i fit basically all the symptoms? anyways, I finally brought it up to my therapist a few appointments ago and i felt like they kind of dismissed me? not sure if that’s normal. they told me it’s could be because of heightened anxiety and to practice “thought stopping”. that has made me feel sooo bad about myself because i start spiraling and believing my intrusive thoughts MUST be true because of what they said, and because it makes me feel like I’m just using the OCD label for “attention”. i’m not sure if i should bring it up again in a future appointment? or maybe find a new therapist? or maybe I don’t have OCD at all? I don’t know what to do

I am feeling conflicted when it comes to treatment and would like some advice. I suffer from Pure O, and all of my compulsions are in the form of rumination. If my therapist tells me to ‘lean in’ to the thoughts and even dissect and think about that thought/worry more - is this not akin to telling someone with contamination OCD to mindfully wash their hands? The initial microsecond thought is the normal human thoughts everyone gets - that’s normal and can’t be stopped, the rabbit hole ruminating that follows is technically analytical thinking therefor it should be able to be stopped. Does this resonate with anyone and has anyone experienced similar? I’m definitely experiencing some OCD around treatment and my therapist (am I doing this right etc) but I also feel my question is valid and I want to ensure I am following the right treatment path. Thank you!