Avoidance of ERP and now faced with the ERP

There is an exposure that I have been avoding because I'm so scared. Part of the avoidance was actually because there was no chance to do the ERP. Now that there is a chance I do not know if I'm ready. I have been feeling a lot of anxiety lately and feeling a little bit numb in terms of having a big anxiety attack but the sadness and worry is still there I just do not have the energy to react. That scares me too because when I have intrusive thoughts I'm just too mentally and emotionally exhausted to react but I'm still feeling sad, irritated, afraid, worried.... I'm worried about the ERP that will take place I'm worried that I'm not ready and it will make the intrusive thoughts and anxiety worse. Just writing about this is a little bit of an exposure. I wish I can explain better but you can see from the OCD theme what this post is about. I'm feeling calm and anxious at the same time (if that makes sense). How do I deal with this in the moment?

Pudu OCD

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Sounds to me like the exposure you might benefit from the most so far! Push forward while keeping your eyes on the prize: a quieter and more peaceful mind at the other end!

Sarah🕊

Date posted: 1y

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I appriciate it. I also forgot to mention I have been feeling numb lately( I still feel emotions and I can cry but I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted) and I have not been reacting or having a full anxiety attacks about intrusive thoughts lately which is also making me worry that what if I want the intrusive thoughts or what if I'm just using OCD as an excuse. This is strange to reflect on becuase I remember when I was going through this theme 2 years ago I was so sick and having anxiety attacks daily and worried and feeling guilt and shame and doubt and having both real event and false memory mix and I remember the struggle which I cannot even begin to explain or put into words. Sometimes when I remember what I went through with OCD I almost feel like how did I go from extreme panic and struggle to not having anxiety attacks now. And now I have no anxiety attacks and the intrusive thoughts are there which is making feel a bit unsettled. Sometimes I feel the anxiety a little bit but its definitely not the same anxiety and worry I used to go through. I know that there is the back door spike and anxiety habituation, but I still can't emotionally fully process what I'm going through at this point in my life after dealing with intrusive thoughts for years. Have I just gotten fed up and now I longer have the intense OCD? And the scary thing I keep thinking: does it mean I don't care anymore? There is so much more I want to write about this but I'm trying to write a short response.

Pudu OCD

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Totally been there! OCD can be like watching the same horror movie 250 times. After a while the suspense is gone, the jump scares don’t get you. It’s a common trap for us OCD sufferers to look to our own anxiety for reassurance that we are not what we fear. When the anxiety fades away (by itself or when treatment starts working), we mistakenly believe and start obsessing over the fact that it perhaps was never OCD to begin with. I dealt with this myself in an era before so many ressources existed for OCD (and besides I didn’t even know I had OCD at the time). It was a big blow to my sense of self at the time to no longer feel as much distress, but thankfully I can look back today and see this clearly for what it was: a classic backdoor spike. And it does take a long time to process this emotionally because despite this being a well-known and typical symptom of the disease, it just feels so personal and intimate when you’re going through it. So I would say: no; your values haven’t changed, you still care. Give yourself some time and compassion. It can help to step back and compassionately remind yourself that you have a mental health issue which you have not chosen to have. This has all happened to you, not because of you. And you are not alone in going through any of this, no matter how “customised” your experience feels.

storres19

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 23w

Script writing/going along with the thought

I can’t come to terms with script writing my worst fears coming true. Especially when they are in relation to harm. Those thoughts attack my son and those that I hold the closet to my heart. It honestly makes my anxiety so bad just thinking about it. Or going along with a thought like “Oh yeah I’m totally going to do that”. It just in turn makes me feel like I’m agreeing with the thought. I’m having so much conflicting feelings/thoughts in terms of ERP at this point.

Harm OCD

anxietypoops

Date posted: 22w

The RP in ERP

Hi! I've been on my OCD healing journey for about half a year and I have seen a lot of success. I'm reaching out for advice, I am very willing to do exposures because I know the more I do them, the more I get better, but I struggle with the response prevention part. I don't know how to control my brain when it comes to facing the fears especially since most of my compulsions are mental. I can tell myself the typical things "I am okay with the uncertainty of this happening", etc. but its like my brain doesn't believe them. I've been stuck in this disconnect for a while and would love advice you have heard from a therapist or learned that has really help you.

Looping

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 18w

ERP/Therapy

I find while doing exposures, rarely does my anxiety lessen. It usually amps up and stays that way for the remainder of the day. I could be having a fairly decent day, but dutifully do my exposures and then the rest of my day is anxiety filled. I guess that’s just how it is now? Also, I’m wondering if my therapist even believes I have OCD. I totally understand my therapist cannot provide reassurance. But it’s to the point it seems my therapist acts like I actually did the thing I fear. I feel so isolated.

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Avoidance of ERP and now faced with the ERP

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