Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

Hopeless

I am so tired of feeling like this. I feel so hopeless, I’m having intrusive thoughts about my mom and children but it’s not what if it’s “you’re going to do such and such” I feel like my brain has taken over me. I don’t feel happy and I just sit around everyone and pretend like I’m okay when really I’m having horrible thoughts. Also I don’t feel like myself feels like someone else is controlling me. When I think of myself it’s like in 3rd person, for example when I look at my children my brain is like “those aren’t your kids those are Breanna’s kids” or when I talk to friends and family my brain says “those are Breanna’s friends and family” then It’s like I’m just not scared anymore but I want to be like I need to be scared to be normal if that makes sense. I feel like it just took over and I’m going to give in but it doesn’t scare me so now I think I’m just crazy or stuck like this. I feel numb and just out of it like I’m losing hope. Also I had a nightmare like in my dream I had intrusive harm thoughts like I can’t get a break even when I’m sleep or when I wake up. I haven’t really been able to eat because it makes me nauseous I just feel pointless ugh 🥺

Harm OCD

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 1y

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have also experienced similar things with the disconnection, and feeling even worse when you don't react with fear to the thoughts. I hope you can practice some loving kindness for yourself. I know that's easier said than done, I'm still trying to do that too.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@finneuphoria I appreciate everything you said! I’m trying so hard to let everything just flow but it’s so hard 🥺

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous It's SO hard, and IME it never feels like you're doing it right, it's just you look back and realize you're bouncing back from your episodes a little better.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@finneuphoria Yes I totally agree with that! This is like torture.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@finneuphoria Also do you ever feel scared when you hear your name because you don’t feel like you?

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Not with my name specifically, but I do struggle with imposter-like feelings when my OCD is bad. Like I feel fake and like I want to burn all my possessions and denounce everything I've told people about myself bc it's all bs.

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Have you ever looked into derealization? Does that sound similar to what you're experiencing?

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@finneuphoria Yes I’ve went through dpdr like 2 years ago and it was horrifying! I got through it I felt better no intrusive thoughts had off days but nothing nearly as terrible and then in January I got sick and spiraled back into it all over again but this time feels different and so it makes me wonder if it’s even dpdr again

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous It could be, it could be backdoor spike, which is common when you get better but then go through a life stress like an illness an it triggers some of your feelings.

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@WhoAmIReally Could you tell me what that is?

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Happily! Backdoor spike is after you feel a reduction in OCD symptoms, followed by a resurgence of OCD symptoms that make you doubt whether you really have OCD, maybe my thoughts are true since I'm not scared of them enough, etc. This helped me so much with getting through my recent episode: https://www.treatmyocd.com/what-is-ocd/info/ocd-stats-and-science/backdoor-spikes-how-to-deal-with-sudden-ocd-episodes

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@WhoAmIReally Thank you so much! ❤️

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous You're very welcome. I hope you find some relief soon

Anonymous

Date posted: 1y

@WhoAmIReally Thank you! I hope the same for you!

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 1y

It is, absolutely awful pain. Sending you love and peace and healing.

libramama88

Date posted: 1y

I'm right there with you ladies. This is the worst pain I've ever experienced. I wish you all well!

Catlove9

Date posted: 23w

I need guidance or to feel like I am not alone

I was doing so much better with my OCD. I thought I finally figured it out. However, the last two weeks have been a nightmare. It’s like I went from 0-100 all over again. And it’s become scarier than it ever has been. Every other thought is either causing me anxiety or turning into an intrusive thought. Any headache or feeling of derealization, and I start to spiral. My thoughts are becoming more gruesome and feeling more real. The intrusive urges are so bad it feels like at any moment I could actually just snap. It feels like I am about to go crazy. Another hard aspect is when I’m getting these intrusive urges it feels like I want to do it or I don’t care if I do it. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like this disgusting monster who is just going to lose it and I want it to be over. Why is this happening when I was finally better? It makes me feel like it’s not OCD and I’m actually this person and I’m just holding my true self back. I’m sick to my stomach.

flyana

Date posted: 21w

oh my god, I'm struggling today

tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.

Uhhhh15

Date posted: 21w

New theme

Hi again :c I’ve been having terrible thoughts of hurting my loved ones I’ve stopped watching horror movies which is my favorite genre and can’t even watch or read anything related to violence even if it’s just a video or movie talking about it, I get triggered so fast I really miss feeling that relief with my mom I miss my mom so much and I just don’t know what to do anymore I almost committed last weekend from how scared I was and Ik your thinking will you try again? idk I’m not sure, one day I might say “no” next I’ll plan it out, but truth be told I don’t want to die I want to live a normal life, I want to stay with my mom and my family, I love my family and my grandma and my older brother..I’m so sick of feeling this feeling, I’m tired of arguing with my brain, I want to be with my mom and spend time with her like I used to, but I can’t stand that thought of hurting them it makes me shake and I feel this pain in my chest, my OCD has been trying to convince me all those crime docs and stuff I’m into turned me this way but that’s impossible since I’ve never thought like this before I’m just tired that’s all Idek know what I’m looking for saying this..prolly just to vent or to know if this will ever go away..

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