♦️Long post alert!!♦️
I had been meetin a guy for 1 year, meeting in the sense- we had regular chats on messenger, sometimes we had coffees and meals together at restaurants. We attended the same university club, so we had meetings and conversation there as well. Thus we grew quite close relationship, however none of us expressed our feelings yet.
At the end of that year, analyzing all his behaviours, treatments towards me, my friends and even his friends-it seemed I won't like to extend this relationship into a committed one. I mean though I had grown lingering feelings towards him, I would stop it here and won't let it rise anymore.
I guessed reducing chat and not meeting him often would make him distant from me. I knew he will definitely inquery me of what's the matter, what's wrong with me. But i didn't want to mention his shortcomings are the reason for it because I didn't want to hurt him or loosen up his confidence. So I was looking for an excuse which will be believable as well as not realated to him.
Luckily i already had a valid reason, which was not related to him too. I was going through a big OCD relapse. At that time I really wanted to keep myself distant from anyone around me. I didn't want to talk to my friends either. So,I put forward this reason for not wanting to talk much often like before. But he was overwhelmed by my sudden change of behaviour. May be he had sensed something is off. It's not all about my OCD relapse. However I avoided chat with him as much as possible for the next 1.5 years (2020 and 2021). Not meeting him physically was also easy since it was covid and lockdown period.
But suddenly one day he posted a very heartwrenching poem where he described how much he was missing me and suffering from the distance. This triggered immense guilt within me for raising his hope once (by doing all those flirty conversation over the last year).
I was engulfed in the thought how I can make him move on and free from the feelings towards me. And what seemed a good way at that time was,to make me a 'nasty person' before him. So I told him, all those flirty talks that i used to do 2 years ago was because I wanted a casual relationship, nothing serious. I wanted physical relationship. But when i understood you were not after physical relation, rather you were searchin for true love, i discontinued to flirt with you, stopped talking in a cheesy way. He was in utmost shock, don't know how much of his feelings has been decrrased towards me, if i am successful or not. 2 years have passed since I told him those words.
When I shared this story with one of my former therapists (not from NOCD), se told me,"Your lies would imply to him that, girls won't love him if he doesn't offer them sex. So in his further relations he might pressurize the girl to initiate a physical relationship. You need to tell him the truth that you had feelings for him but later you felt he is not the right person". This words have come as a terrifying fact to me.on one hand, I don't want any girl to be abused by him when i am the person who is the root cause behind this abuse.. Because I am the person who implied some false messages (though unintentionally) to that guy. I really don't want that.
On the other hand, it's already been about 2 years since i told him those words. If i again tell him, those were lies too, now this is the truth that I had feelings and all that... he won't stand still. He would get another shock and i will be embarrased horribly.
Also i am confused, whether my words really imply to a boy that girls won't love him if he doesn't involve in sex? Do my words invoke abuse by hin to other girls? I just wanted to make myself a nasty girl to him, don't my words imply this?