Haunted that i gave into urges in the past

I see a lot of people place a lot of do's and dont's on what someone with OCD will do regarding their urges. I wanted to share my story. Before I knew this was ocd, when I would have a sudden intrusive sexual image that was an extreme trigger, I would feel the most extreme anxiety, fight or flight of my life. I felt like I was choking and having a panic attack, feeling like i was going to collapse and vomit. I felt like I was convinced this must be a real buried desire of mine, and that the only way to sate it was to give in. I felt like the only way to end the anxiety was to get off to it, like a bottled emotion that wasnt going to get better. It was really ineffective, the novelty would wear off and id just be disinterested. But being a porn addict, id just go down a rabbithole of more wild stuff until it was over. Id have another panic attack after, and id be in a depressive episode for a week. Eventually i felt like the reason it wasnt working was because I wasnt fully accepting it, defeated, I tried letting myself do it and tried loving myself for it. It ended up just being another compulsion, temporary relief for "finding the answer", then id lose interest and feel uncomfortable. Going right back to where i started. One thing i knew, is that if i resisted the urge, the feelings would fade within minutes, and if i thought about the trigger afterwards, I wouldnt feel a thing. After not acting on these urges, I had a 7 month period free from the ocd, no thoughts no urges, the whole thing just seemed silly in retrospect. I was extremely happy aboutnit, until having a fight with a friend caused me to relapse from the stress. I was in that viscious cycle for 3 years without knowing what it was. People like to act very black and white about whats ocd and what is denial, and I can understand why, part of me is afraid people will tell me im in denial too. But i believe personally that people will be driven to all kinds of desperate acts in attempts to find any kind of meaning or relief from the absolute hell OCD throws you in. I tried to open my heart and accept what ocd was telling me, and it didnt make me happy nor solve anything, it just perpetuated the cycle. I feel better understanding the root of these urges and not acting on them, and Ive seen real progress, but I made this post today to try to bridge the feeling of isolation i get having made the mistakes I have trying to figure out OCD.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous///

Date posted: 1y

Thanks for sharing your story. Really appreciate your candor, this can be so hard to talk about. Would encourage you not to be hard on yourself for anything you’ve done in the past in an effort to figure out your OCD. We can only do our best with the information we have in the moment. You’re strong!!

Logan_B

Date posted: 1y

Thank you. I got really scared today, having that 1% moment where I was desperately trying to find reassurance because I was finding such conflicting info and couldnt find anyone to relate to. After a while i realized i was just kind of feeding my ocd and looking for the 1% that doesnt line up with everyone else, and instead I wanted to talk about my feelings from a point of confidence and introspection, that maybe it might help people who've gone through the same but dont want to speak out.

Zoroarcanine

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

Thank you for sharing this. I’ve been having a tougher day with my OCD and this just gave me a good boost

Logan_B

Date posted: 1y

Feel like its worth noting that a lot of this is probably a result of porn addiction, self destructive tendencies when scared, and a lifelong habit of using masturbation as an anxiety relief.

flutters ( ´...

Date posted: 1y

oh my god i thought it was just me. (pocd)

Wed_Wheel

Date posted: 22w

My SO OCD

I have just recently realized that I had SO OCD. This began whenever I was watching porn and had an intrusive thought about the guy in the porn. It was more minor at first, it was a majority of what I was thinking about throughout the day but it didn’t feel as distressing at first. If I had downtime to think about it, it would affect me but if I was just going about my day I wouldn’t notice it. I began going through the compulsions of checking myself. This lasted for a while until another obsession occurred. Then it seemed as if my SO OCD took a step back. I would have flare ups but they would seem to pass. Recently, I had a very bad night of constant compulsions and looking at pictures and imagining things to check myself. After that night it was very distressing, it affected me to the point where people around me began to notice and ask me if I was okay. One of the big reasons I was so upset was my girlfriend, we have been together for over 3 years and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I was thinking “Oh my god, if I am gay I can never be with her.” I would sit and cry about it thinking I would lose her and that might life would change because I was gay. I finally had enough and talked to her and my parents. We did some research and I was so shocked to find out that I had a form of OCD, it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders just knowing that other people have been where I am and that I’m not gay. However, I may have naively expected the compulsions and obsessive thoughts to go away now that I knew I had an actual problem. But I found that the compulsions and thoughts were still there and I was going to put some effort into getting better. I have researched and now know what to do when experiencing intrusive thoughts, yet I still have been performing the compulsions which is just feeding into the OCD. I find myself having intrusive thoughts and then start performing compulsions to see if they are true. What really bothers me is when I have an intrusive thought that tells me that I do like something. But when I think about it I have no desire to pursue those thoughts. However when I feed into the compulsions they just seem to feed into each other. It is like my OCD ignores all the things that I know I like and goes straight to panic mode. I am also trying to do ERP and am going to start doing my best to get better. Does anyone have any tips for not performing the compulsions no matter how anxious you are feeling and no matter how real the intrusive thoughts seem to feel?

Sexual Orientation OCD

HOY

Date posted: 17w

i dont know if its gonna get better

since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.

Anonymous

Date posted: 12w

I should had valued my life more. I wasted so much

TW: ZOCD, porn Before my ZOCD theme started, I would never find myself asking such questions... I'd never go through my past events, every possible things that could have happened, where now I feel guilty off - it didn't really bother me as much. I do remember experiencing some other themes for a shorter amount of time, but they didn't hit me as much as this one. And you know, I wasn't exactly "happy". I was bored, tired 24/7, I wanted my life to be more exciting, I wanted a struggle, which now sounds incredibly ridiculous. And guess what? I've got it. But I didn't want this type of struggle, who the hell would? But now I think of it, it was about to happen at some point as my problems with porn since I was 11, escalated to some really questionable things (always fictional, but it still affected me a lot). The final straw was when I consumed some fucked up fanfiction this April and the immense guilt and shame hit me few days after that. I've started questioning my whole being - why did I do that? Am I what I fear? What's wrong with me? Why was I so desensitised? Am I just now discovering the real me? How can I forgive myself? I've wasted so much time and energy on that, but back then it wasn't even that much of an issue for me. I was so blind. I should have realised that sooner, but late is better than never. I've been doing better mentally than say, three weeks ago but really... I just hate how much porn took away from me. And combined with my morbid curiousity, it led me into some dark places. I can only be glad that I've never saw the real thing.

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Haunted that i gave into urges in the past

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