Rewriting, when I was 15-16, I didn’t know what masturbation was, my friend who’s the same age as me introduced me to those things, they also introduced me to hentai and would show me sh*ta and idk why they would but they said they showed all their friends that. They’ve apologized for it but I still obsess for just seeing it. At the time we also watched an anime fad that was a joke but it was also sh*ta and we did stuff after. I feel disgusted from back then. I am 22 now and I’ve spoken to my therapist about this. We both agree I was a child and I didn’t know better, and that it was drawn and fictional, especially because I didn’t know what masturbation even was until I was 15-16, I dunno I’ve been obsessing so bad lately about it. I’m scared those past mistakes haunt me. One time I went on my tumblr nsfw blog (I more so masturbate out of compulsion, I am asexual.) I had a pic in my likes but it was hentai, the tags were in Japanese and I translated them and one of the tags said sh*ta and I freaked out. This was way back then as well, probably 17? Also when I had just turned 17 I started “going out” with someone on a website that shall not be named and 2 months in, I barely spoke to them so we never even conversated much at all, we role played like once her favorite character feeding her and it was dumb and it never got anywhere and like after a while of barely even talking to them I said wait how old are you and they said they would be 14 soon and I ghosted them. I don’t remember specifics. I just know I’ve told my therapists, all the ones I’ve had this and all of them say I did nothing wrong. I’m just tired, everything’s been bothering me so badly because my best friend left me and she was always my reassurance. She always told me I never did anything wrong. I know reassurance is bad, it’s something I’ve struggled with all my life. I just dunno what to do anymore. My brain has decided to obsess over these things as of late...I’ve been wanting to disappear because of it, it’s been debilitating me to the core. Can’t play games, can’t do anything. On top of feeling like crap cause my best friend and I started a “break”. Guilt resides in my stomach, therapists reassuring me over and over again obviously do nothing, I wish I knew how to deal with these things. I want my innocence back! I want a do over.

Mars, I love your name. It is gorgeous! ⭐️ Anyways. I am so sorry, that you have been on this path struggling through so much guilt. I struggle with guilt too,, and i feel like it is one of the worst feelings brought by my anxiety. I am sure it is the same for you (: One thing I have to say is,, obsessing over past events and feeling guilty about them later in the future because it falls under a certain theme is a common event. Obsessing and ruminating over them is another common compulsion. I suggest getting new therapists who understand that everytime they tell you it’s okay, it is reassurance? How is that going for you? I am sure that your anxiety is worse because you are having a reassurance withdrawal. Give yourself time to stop ruminating over the past, letting the anxiety and feelings that you are a horrible pedophile flow through, and not compulsing. Good luck!

I definitely suggesting changing therapists. Simple talk therapists will not work, and most especially if your therapists are not specialized enough to figure out... duhhhh ur simple “u are not a bad person” isn’t working. Anyways, I think you shouldn’t even try and convince yourself of those things. Accept uncertainty, accept the fact that you may never know whether or not you are a bad person forever. Don’t try and tell yourself that the guilt means you have good morals,, it is better to let the anxiety of wanting to cry or feel like shit come through. Eventually, that feeling, too will pass. If you cannot sleep, I am sorry ): not being able to sleep is awful. Some things I do when i feel guilty is,, make conscious decisions to take care of myself. I make sure I eat my three meals. For sleeping, I suggest buying some gummies like Vick’s sleeping gummies (for kids) to help you. It really knocks me out. This is what you can do until you’re good enough to accept the anxiety by yourself so you can end up sleeping. I hope your therapists change and your program makes you heal well. Guilt is the WORST. I truly understand how you feel. I have had so many panic attacks because of it ): good luck!! ?????

Thank you <3 it is actually the name of a character I made up, but I liked it. Anyways... It is definitely a hard thing to do. I am having so much withdrawals and because it is also real event ocd it makes everything worse. I can tell myself I was just a kid and didn’t know better, that morally right now I know what is and isn’t right and wrong, that guilt means it goes against your morals, etc. but yet it’s hard to convince myself of things. I’ve gotten obsessions over everything, but this is some of THE more worse ones. It don’t let me sleep. I’m going in a crisis day program, and after I finish they may be able to find me a more suitable therapist. I really am so tired of simple talk therapy, it obviously isn’t working. I’ve been in therapy for years... and yet my ocd is still this bad and debilitating. Somethings gotta change.

Thank you, I hope I can find the right therapists soon. I will say though how does one even accept uncertainty? If it’s for some of the more worse things? I guess that’s how ocd is treated, but also it seems so impossible for me. I’ve become pretty hopeless, and even been wanting to disappear because of the guilt. My therapist and psyche are making me so a day program that I know won’t help me because that too is just talk therapy except in a group. Everything feels hopeless and I just want my innocence back. It’s hard to let things just go through, because there’s that uncomfortable feeling that sits in my stomach for so long. It’s like the uncertainty makes it hard to do anything anymore. I hope I can get a specialist soon.