- Date posted
- 1y
ROCD Rant!
Hi. I commented recently that I was struggling with false memory and ROCD. I have managed to convince myself I cheated on my boyfriend. Lately I have made a new friend, my coworker who is a male, and he has a very flirty personality not just with me but with all of my other coworkers. I convince myself I have cheated because I laugh with him about patients and other funny stories (we work in Geriatrics..) and I often ask him for help with schoolwork (he is a doctor) instead of just asking Google. We have never talked about anything work related, we actually frequently talk about our significant others (He's single, but I tell him he needs to go after his gym crush!) Another thing, I'm actually not attracted to him. But I do like talking to him, I think our personality's match the most at my workplace. But I don't think that's cheating. What I have convinced myself as cheating is that I used to get excited to talk to him. Is that emotionally cheating? Also, my old female coworker we all used to think was in love with him. I remember telling them I agree, but that I do not think she liked him back. What if I only said that because I wanted him to like me? What if I said that because I wanted attention? Is that emotionally cheating? I'm super scared of hurting my boyfriend. I actually love my boyfriend, and I've never once been disloyal to him in our 1.5 years of dating. My boyfriend is very sweet and understanding of my OCD, but I think confessing this to him would only hurt him. But then, it feels like I'm hiding it from him which gives me more guilt. Since all of these intrusive thoughts happened, I've stopped really talking to my coworker, and now actually avoid him. It's become an obsession. This is not a rumination, I'm not looking for comfort. I want to know if someone else would geniunely consider what I thought is cheating. I have not done anything physical at all, or said anything flirty. What I feel like is cheating is the thoughts I had. Anytime I had a thought that felt like was wrong, I pushed it out. I mean, I mentally tell myself that I love my boyfriend and I would never cheat on him. But sometimes, the intrusive thoughts do win and they do convince me that the thoughts I have are cheating on my bf. My problem is, I googled emotional cheating. And what I did was on the list, and now I'm really worried I actually did something wrong. Other therapists and such say "You cannot cheat on your partner through thoughts, only actions" Also, I never felt guilty or anything until I had a random thought about cheating. I never felt like I cheated or did anything wrong until randomly one day, the intrusive thoughts started happening. So I feel like that's the first sign that it IS OCD, and it is NOT a real event. Hiding it from my bf feels wrong, but confessing would only hurt us. Especially because we're in a rocky place. Someone talk to me please! I don't need reassurance, I just need a conversation.