Sorry I keep posting please help

Just had a huge spiral. I don’t know how it got started but I started having intrusive images really bad and maybe it’s because I was ruminating worrying that I brought it up so then it got to where every object I looked at an image popped into my head of me harming a child. And then I was literally looking down at my bed laying on my stomach so I wasn’t looking at anything, and I was so scared and nervous I was trying to think of the at wouldn’t trigger an image but accidentally kept thinking about random objects and then more images kept popping up and I feel so guilty and disgusting because I feel like it was definitely my fault. I DONT WANT THIS. And it hurts so much because I get no amusement or enjoyment or arousal from these images. I literally feel nothing for children. This didn’t start happening until a few weeks ago and I don’t have any idea why but it’s SO graphic and violent I feel like my morals have left me. I feel like someone who cares wouldn’t be eating, being around family, hopeful. I don’t want to do but I couldn’t live as a p. I can’t live with the images forever it’s so much to deal with I feel so guilty for living. I used to want to be a mom one day, not to play off of anyone’s emotions I feel like I am, but I’m 21 I had period issues didn’t have my period for a year and was really upset at times because I thought I wouldn’t get to be a mom one day. And now this is happening and it’s just vile and scary and it’s so confusing to me. I don’t understand.

POCD

Username: orpheniaorphenia

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 31w ago

I’m so sorry you’re having these intrusive thoughts, please know you’re not alone. I too have struggled with POCD and there’s times I just wanted to be in bed all day bc I didn’t wanna face them. Even though you may wanna figure it out really badly the best thing I learned through therapy is when these thoughts arise is to say “hmm maybe, maybe not” or “we’ll see if they’re true or not” which I know doesn’t sound great right now but I guarantee over time it takes the power from these thoughts. Also the fact you’re feeling so negative from them meanings these thoughts are “ego-dystonic” meaning they do not align with what you want or who you are. Just know OCD will attack what we value most and try and make us feel like horrible people. You’re not alone friend

Username: orpheniaorphenia

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 31w ago

@orphenia *means

Username: bloominglotusbloominglotus

Date posted: 31w ago

@orphenia Thank you for replying. That sounds really difficult to sit with the maybe, maybe not, I haven’t been able to make myself try that but I probably should. I think I just get scared I’m using it as an excuse to have these thoughts/images, especially right now when I feel like it was my fault I had some of of the images. This definitely does not align with who I want to be. I feel like I know in my heart I can get better because I know I don’t want any of this, but then I question that too like why are you so hopeful or feeling ok after an episode or images/thoughts like that. I think you’re right, because I also have thoughts attacking my family sometimes and they are everything to me. So it’s attacking my values.

Username: orpheniaorphenia

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 31w ago

@bloominglotus For sure I definitely can understand that, I’ve had Harm OCD thoughts about my own family and people close to me and as well as the POCD thoughts you can feel such a guilt around them. I would sometimes be having a good day and be like “you don’t deserve this, you’ve had these horrible thoughts” but truly we aren’t our thoughts. They don’t reflect who we are and they never will. ERP changed my life, and it’s not easy but facing those scary thoughts and just leaving them open ended and not fighting them or figuring them out is the best course of action. You’ve got this

Username: carriejensoncarriejenson

Date posted: 31w ago

i’m in the same boat as you. i feel disgusted and humiliated and i keep looking at it as evidence that it’s who i am. but that’s the first thing we need to change, we need to remember these thoughts are not ours. in that moment where it feels impossible to keep going i’be been trying to stop and start deep breathing immediately. my brain is telling me i don’t deserve to even breathe but it’s a lie. try not to engage with your ocd because you’ll never win. even if you get an answer and evidence that you aren’t a p. it’ll come back stronger and more convincing. so try and stop your thought in its place. give it a maybe, because a yes or no will never be enough. try to turn on a podcast or audiobook while you do your deep breathing. i’ve been listening to an audiobook a psychiatrist wrote about how to change your thoughts and rewire your brain and that’s been helping a bit. just try not to engage! we’ll never be able to convince our ocd. no answer is good enough. you’ve got this! i’m right here with you!!

Username: bloominglotusbloominglotus

Date posted: 31w ago

@carriejenson Thank you so much for sharing for experience and the advice, it means so much. I think I will try to focus on deep breathing, that’s a good idea. I sometimes get where it’s all of a sudden so many thoughts or images happening that it feels like I’m backed into a corner. So that would probably help me out of it. I will try the audiobook/podcast idea too. Thank you again, I hope things get better for you too.

Username: carriejensoncarriejenson

Date posted: 31w ago

i’m sorry:( i completely get that. it feels SO overwhelming and heavy and unbearable at times, and really trying to focus on an audiobook/podcast while deep breathing keeps your mind pretty busy, and then ocd can’t come in as easily. thank you, i hope it gets better for both of us. i believe it will. 🫶🏼

Username: bkelp213

Date posted: 1y ago

Worried this is just going to get worse…

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture

Username: bloominglotus

Date posted: 1y ago

Vent

I got into porn when I was around 14 or 15 I think and it just got very bad for a few years and I have a lot of guilt and worry for the things that I saw and touched myself to. I came across some bad things. I stopped all of that but I can’t get over the guilt from my teenage years. It bothers me all day long and disrupts my sleep now too. It leaks into my dreams. I just woke up from a dream related to that probably because I worry all day. Life is not enjoyable anymore all I do is worry in my head and say affirmations to try to make myself feel better. Right now I’m worried about so many things but specifically I’m worried what if someone I saw in a video was way younger? I remember being on xvideos as a teen and wanting to imagine myself with other people my age and I know I’m worried what if I watched something on there where the people were younger??? I think I remember putting teens in the search bar and it scares me because even though I was a teen myself I feel like that is wrong now and I’m worried about what I may have watched. I’m giving up on myself more everyday. I know I have zero attraction to minors and I know back then as a teenager I was not attracted to anyone anyone not around my age but I worry so much about things I watched and came across. I wish I had never watched porn as a teenager it has ruined my life and it haunts me every day. And also horrible fan fiction stories and other stories people wrote online that haunt me too. I’m worried I can’t ever recover or find help and I feel like I’m going to go to jail or end up k1lling myself one day because I can’t deal with it. I worry when I’m not crying or having too much anxiety I feel like I need to constantly be in distress and I am not allowed to enjoy anything or have anything. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore accept just sit and worry and feel myself I hate myself. I feel ashamed to be around my family and anytime they do anything for me my brain goes “they don’t know they’re hugging a monster” “they don’t know they’re supporting a monster” and I just can’t take it. I want to find joy in life again. I would do anything just to be a normal person and not have had any of this happen and not have these worries. I feel like a mess every day I look so gross and I feel so gross and I feel like nobody can help me. I’m getting help soon but I just feel like it’s too late and like I’ve ruined myself and I just don’t feel good about the future. I feel like I am going to get sent away and that will hurt my family or end myself eventually and that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt my family or anyone. I question how I could have ever been that person and what was wrong with me. I keep thinking back to things that happened before I was a teenager and I’m like does that count as trauma or something? Could this be why?? But also I don’t want to make excuses or feel like I’m pushing the blame onto someone else. I am the only one at fault. I’m sorry I keep writing these long posts I’m just not in a good place mentally. I feel like I am really sick in the head or something and I’m starting to fear maybe I have always been that way. I just want so desperately to be good. I don’t want anything other than to be a normal good healthy minded person and be here to support my family and others. I don’t care about myself succeeding in anything other than getting better, I just want to support my family in succeeding in whatever they want. I don’t want money or anything for myself. I have more than I deserve. I just want to get better. I pray but I don’t feel like I can be forgiven

Username: bloominglotus

Date posted: 45w ago

It’s so difficult

Today has been awful thoughts. It’s just getting worse and it feels like real thoughts and feelings even though I’ve been fighting it. I wish I could explain how bad it is to my parents. How do you tell anyone you’re having horrible horrible thoughts of sexually harming others and other terrible things?And there’s events from my past that make me not want to do anything because I feel like I deserve to be jailed. I’m worried I won’t be able to get a job because I can’t act like a normal person, or learn to drive. My mom said I need something to keep my occupied, find some classes to take. And she’s right but I’m worried I can’t even focus on that and again I feel like it’s a waste because I feel like I deserve to be in jail. I’m 21 I feel like such a failure. I don’t know how to get help, I really feel like I don’t want to live anymore, it feel like the only way out. But I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want my family to feel at fault. I don’t have any diagnosis so it just all feels too real. It’s CONSTANT thoughts about harming others. It feels real, it sounds proud and almost like it’s mocking in my head. I feel like I’m voluntarily thinking these things. I don’t understand why this has happened and why it’s gotten so bad. I know in my heart I have ZERO desire to be this person. I’m sorry I keep posting so much, it’s just so difficult.

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Sorry I keep posting please help

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