- Date posted
- 1y
this is really long, but i need your opinions.
So for backstory ive been struggling with really bad pocd for a while, and my friends wont stop triggering and its genuinely enraging me. So about a few weeks ago, me and my friends were talking about celebrity crushes. One of my celebrity crushes look alot younger, even tho hes like 33. I personally, never thought anything of it, its not like he looks like an actual child, he just looks young. For the record, im also 13, so even if he looked my age, it doesn’t mean anything. So, i brushed it off. Until, my friend had to make the joke “she likes kids haha” it genuinely made me stop in my tracks, and i was about to be sick. I told her to stop many times. She probably thought i was saying stop as i joke, so i said it a lot more aggressive. I said “____ i’m being deadass, stop. Its not fucking funny, thats not something to joke about?” she just made it worse by saying “damn why are you getting so defensive? are you hiding something?” i was about to break down in fucking tears. I have anger issues, and i didnt want to lash out on my best friend of years. So i said “can you please just not say that again? it really isnt funny man” So she took the hint, and stopped. Or so i thought. Until today, when at break time, we were outside we were playing with the fence and trying to climb it and what not. Since im in 8th grade, there’s younger grades in the school. There was an area where i didnt want to go since there was so many kids and i would probably p*ke if i went there. So i moved to the other side of the yard. But the bell rang, meaning the younger grades would be coming out. I said “___can we go touch/ climb the f-“ and before she let me finish, she said “what? the kids? you want to t—-ch them?” i was standing there like what the actual fuck is wrong with her. Why cant people just have basic respect. This is rhe part were i need your opinions, its really hard for me to control my anger, so, i “hit” her. I wouldn’t say it was a hit, just a tap on the arm that was meant to say smarten the fuck up. She had no reaction to it so i ignored her comment and went on. Ive been in recovery now, and i can feel this wave to fade. So i didnt want to take her comment to heart. Were back in class now, and were talking about stuff, and my arm is kind of on her desk. So she shoves my arm, and in a natural reflex i hit her by accident. She said “stop fucking hitting me all the time!” and at that second i was going to scream but i said “dude im sorry, its just a reflex i didnt mean to.” And she says “you know i bruise so stop, and you hit me today as well.” i genuinely didn’t remember so i said “what…when?” she obviously explained when she said the kids thing and i said “well i told you to stop fucking saying that? ____ ive asked you for weeks to stop so its a problem when i get mad when your accusing me of shit?” she said “ its a joke!! words dont mean anything” so i uh said. “A JOKE? THATS A FUCKING JOKE? SAYING IM A (P WORD) IS A FUCKING JOKE TO YOU?” her: “its a word! its joke! calm down” At that point i was utterly furious. Im pretty sure the whole class heard us and i rushed off to the washroom and started punching the walls, now my hands bruised( yay !) i was going to scream to her “DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO FIGHT WITH YOUR BRAIN? THE SECOND YOU WAKE UP AND YOUR BRAIN SAYS YOUR THIS AND YOUR THAT? NO, YOU FUCKING DONT. SO IM SORRY FOR GETTING MAD AT YOU WHEN YOUR ACCUSING ME OF STUFF THAT MY BRAIN ALREADY TELLS ME I AM.” thats aside the point tho, am i the dick? for getting mad and hitting her? i feel like i shouldn’t have. Shes very aware i have anger issues. I dont know. i feel bad, but i told her to stop NUMEROUS times, its not a funny thing. give me your opinions.