- Username
- Anonymous
- Date posted
- 5y ago
but it is good that you took a mental day, just know you have people here too always talk too:)
Fresh start? A mental day is good to have when you need it!! Get some sleep!! Ha ?
i feel you with the whole friends thing.
cuz i can relete too somw of your things
Take it one step at a time, you know rock bottom is good in a sense because you can start to rebuild your life again, go slow, take time off when needed, relax when you can, less drinking(doesn't help ocd) just take it slowly and one step at a time. ?
you truly do have alot of your plate. and i do not think you are a monster for what you are going through. its just hard and from what you said i can understand why you are probably not getting alot of sleep you are in alot of stress.
but i try not too drink alot of alcohol because it does not help OCD it makes it worse and even with aniexty as well, along with other issues you maybe dealing with.
I have problems with sleep and thinking of depression or ocd. I drown my thoughts out while binge watching netflix which gives me a few hours of a break.
Thank you! ❤️ yeah, it’s been a really tumultuous few years out of college and even during college. I don’t want to call myself an alcoholic but there have been several times I was an angry raging drunk just lashing out because of unresolved pain deep inside me. Created problems for friendships and relationships. Being at rock bottom and going through an ocd relapse all at once is just overwhelming. I don’t have the money yet to get medication and no insurance. I travelled the world and got into credit card debt so I’ve been trying to bang that off but how can I even do that when I can’t sleep sometimes and won’t be able to function at work ? me and my mom have even gotten into fights and it’s gotten physical. That’s how I know I’ve become a monster. I’m trying to find self worth again.
I’m trying not to drink, sometimes wine with dinner but nothing extra. Even that messes with my sleep these days. I try cbd oil at night but doesn’t have the same effect medication did. I can’t forgive myself for anything. I never meant to upset anyone and never meant to hit my mother and call her names. I have major anger issues and deep deep sadness inside of me. My mother sided with my abusive ex and he kept me isolated indoors so when I came back home and was not finding work and she was doing the same controlling behavior I just charged at her violently just feeling hopeless. Now I’m working and reflecting back and I feel like the worst human being.
Have you tried therapy?
I was in therapy on and off since I was 14 for ocd. I am 26 now. My therapist is so expensive I unfortunately have to find someone else. I’ve only been working for a few months back home so I’m trying to pay off some debt before doing so but it’s all taking a toll on me. For now I’ve been just using this app.
I gotcha
I have problems with sleep and thinking of depression or ocd. I drown my thoughts out while binge watching netflix which gives me a few hours of a break.
After being drained by an emotional vampire (narcissistic ex) and now home and jobless with my parents and a grandmother who drains all of us emotionally as well with her cries for attention and negative yelling all day, I’m completely drained. I’m hoping the market improves and I find work soon but I find myself unmotivated and barely leaving my bed. I’m eating and watching Netflix. Everything is just too much. I didn’t even shower for 2 days this week during the time I was trying to get closure from the narcissist and not getting any obviously. Finally discarded him for good. My friends are here and there but no one I can consistently talk to. I’ve been abroad so it’s kind of like out of sight out of mind. I have plans this weekend with an old friend but even that I’m exhausted for. Not sure how to get my energy back. Years of work in therapy on my self esteem and sanity and it’s all gone now after one guy and now made worse by my grandmother.
In having suicidal thoughts. And i wouldn’t ever do anything to myself but I sometimes wish a bus would hit me or something to end my pain. It’s a dark feeling. My ex that played with me and I thought was gonna be my husband is secretly married with two kids, and was chasing his ex after a drunk outburst I had from depression. He put me through mental abuse and I was jobless and financially dependent on him. Deep on the inside I felt like I didn’t deserve better than him because when I was working multiple jobs and in debt once a friend told me to try a sugar baby site. I couldn’t make it past two disgusting sexual encounters in a motel room and a bar basement. My dad has beat me up at the time and was emotionally abusive so I was in a rebellious period of my life where I wanted quick money to leave the house, except I was only conned and not paid and just used. I feel like if I ever open up to anyone ever again I will be rejected and judged from my past. I met my ex while trying to start a new life in Dubai and he sent me back to the US for a break after abusive fights erupted. I discovered his secrets and he broke up with me saying he lost feelings and was faking after my drunk outburst. I still can’t find a job in my field and am working as a cashier at a grocery store. I got offered an off the books job that pays more money and my mom is so controlling and a perfectionist she told me if I did that I wouldn’t have my car, so now I’m walking 40 min to my grocery store job in the suburbs. I’m so overwhelmed with depression and stress. My entire life fell apart. I have zero self esteem left.
I have not held a job in nearly a year now. Not since my son came home from the hospital. Something makes me unable to be away from my house and not feel overwhelmed by the anxiety it causes. I am exhausted and tired and more stressed than ever. My husband has started verbally abusing me and making me feel like everything is always my fault. If he loses something I am the first to be blamed for it and he doesnt let up until it's found. If I am the one to find it it fuels him more to tell me how I am a thief and a liar when I haven't done anything wrong. I have started to question my value as a person and I have a pain in my chest that leaves me feeling suffocated and unable to function. I spend so much of my time defending myself and feeling unsure whether or not I should defe d myself at all. I'm losing my mind. I finally found a new job and yesterday when I got to work I had a message from my husband saying that I stole his medication and I had such a horrible panic attack that I passed out in my car. I woke up and was almost two hours late for work so then I freaked out and I was too afraid to go inside to work. I called the HR department and explained everything going on so I have to see a doctor and get their paperwork turned back in before I can return to my job. I'm worried that even if I do get the forms filled out that I still will lose my job. I am so worried. Rent hasn't been paid yet this month and I have been so stressed out that I have virtually shut down altogether. I have no motivation to do anything and I am having to watch my little boy suffer through all the fighting and all the crying. I actually chopped off my own hair this afternoon. I was fed up and I don't know why I did it but my husband was recording my panic attacks and getting a video of me freaking out made it obvious to me that he doesn't care about me anymore other than as something to entertain himself when he is bored. He has become someone I can't trust and it gets tiring having to protect myself and who I am at all times. I don't know how to get out of this situation because I have literally no money and I have no friends in this town. I guess I'm just looking to feel accepted somewhere. I feel like a failure and a let down. I feel like something is seriously wrong with me.
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