I had to stay home from work today because even though I was exhausted I got 1 hour of sleep. I work 7 days a week between 2 jobs and I finally said today I need a mental day. I am lonelier than ever and have lost friends over the past few years or just lost touch. My best friend ever stopped speaking with me after a group tour of the UK a few years ago and now someone that was our mutual friend is best friends with her and brushes me off. I tried to reach out to my ex friend and make peace but no answer. She has many friends now and a boyfriend. I realize I had some drunk nights that make people not want to hang out with me but I was up last night feeling complete rejection to the fullest and horrible about myself. At rock bottom I have no one. On top of that I was just in a toxic relationship while living abroad and he turned out to be a chronic cheater and married with 2 kids. I have one friend who speaks to me from LA from time to time but as for here in New York I barely got anyone left and bad memories. I can’t be afraid of not going to sleep every night because of thoughts or depression. My period is due any day which doesn’t help. I was just crying so much last night. I’ve never felt so alone. I just feel like a horrible human being that no one wants to be around and I try to make it right.

but it is good that you took a mental day, just know you have people here too always talk too:)

Fresh start? A mental day is good to have when you need it!! Get some sleep!! Ha ?

i feel you with the whole friends thing.

cuz i can relete too somw of your things

Take it one step at a time, you know rock bottom is good in a sense because you can start to rebuild your life again, go slow, take time off when needed, relax when you can, less drinking(doesn't help ocd) just take it slowly and one step at a time. ?

you truly do have alot of your plate. and i do not think you are a monster for what you are going through. its just hard and from what you said i can understand why you are probably not getting alot of sleep you are in alot of stress.

but i try not too drink alot of alcohol because it does not help OCD it makes it worse and even with aniexty as well, along with other issues you maybe dealing with.

I have problems with sleep and thinking of depression or ocd. I drown my thoughts out while binge watching netflix which gives me a few hours of a break.

Thank you! ❤️ yeah, it’s been a really tumultuous few years out of college and even during college. I don’t want to call myself an alcoholic but there have been several times I was an angry raging drunk just lashing out because of unresolved pain deep inside me. Created problems for friendships and relationships. Being at rock bottom and going through an ocd relapse all at once is just overwhelming. I don’t have the money yet to get medication and no insurance. I travelled the world and got into credit card debt so I’ve been trying to bang that off but how can I even do that when I can’t sleep sometimes and won’t be able to function at work ? me and my mom have even gotten into fights and it’s gotten physical. That’s how I know I’ve become a monster. I’m trying to find self worth again.

I’m trying not to drink, sometimes wine with dinner but nothing extra. Even that messes with my sleep these days. I try cbd oil at night but doesn’t have the same effect medication did. I can’t forgive myself for anything. I never meant to upset anyone and never meant to hit my mother and call her names. I have major anger issues and deep deep sadness inside of me. My mother sided with my abusive ex and he kept me isolated indoors so when I came back home and was not finding work and she was doing the same controlling behavior I just charged at her violently just feeling hopeless. Now I’m working and reflecting back and I feel like the worst human being.

Have you tried therapy?

I was in therapy on and off since I was 14 for ocd. I am 26 now. My therapist is so expensive I unfortunately have to find someone else. I’ve only been working for a few months back home so I’m trying to pay off some debt before doing so but it’s all taking a toll on me. For now I’ve been just using this app.

I gotcha

I have problems with sleep and thinking of depression or ocd. I drown my thoughts out while binge watching netflix which gives me a few hours of a break.