Harm ocd

Yeah I hate it too and it's almost constant for me

@Anonymous It literally feels like I’m about to act on it and i hate it.

@Catlove9 Me too and it's like that all day

@Anonymous I’m having a horrible time right now. I feel so out of my body and it feels like I’m going to hurt someone and I’m scared.

@Catlove9 Same. Plus I'm getting irritable on top of it all not a good mix

@Anonymous I have a horrible headache which makes me feel more out of control. So I get exactly what you mean.

@Catlove9 I hope this goes in remission soon

@Anonymous Me too. I feel like a monster.

@Catlove9 Me too everyday

@Anonymous And I don’t know about you, but sometimes I just feel like I need to be put away. When I get that thought, I get more scared.

@Catlove9 All the time. It feels like I almost can't control it. So sometimes I feel like I just need to go be admitted

@Anonymous Omg yes. Have you always had this?

@Catlove9 No my first harm ocd happened like 3 years ago it was scary lasted awhile then left then it came back with a vengeance with some very new symptoms

@Anonymous Yah. My first harm ocd was around 5 years ago. It was mainly just thoughts and urges. Now it’s also with the dp/dr. I’m 36 but have had ocd my whole life. It was usually just health ocd and false memory. The harm ocd came later.

@Catlove9 I'm not sure if i had ocd my whole life maybe I just didn't notice but the harm ocd pounced on me at 29

@Anonymous My harm gripped me at 31. And it’s odd bc i was always so much fun. Now I don’t drink or do much bc I just hate feeling like this

@Catlove9 Yeah I was always the funny guy a outgoing guy was a really good dad but this has put a damper on all of it

@Anonymous I bet you are still a really good dad. OCD doesn’t change that. It may make you “feel” a certain way. But I do know what you mean. I just feel like I can’t be with anyone because my brain is just so occupied with trying to figure all this out.

@Catlove9 My brain keeps saying violent things/urges and images. Even letting it be it won't let me be plus the dpdr is crazy

@Anonymous I know how you feel. And then it feels like it will never end and will always be this way.

@Catlove9 I feel like it's going to be my normal. Then one day I'm gonna snap

@Anonymous Yes! Holy crap that’s exactly how I feel. Like I just continue to spiral.

@Catlove9 I feel like I'm in the background of myself battling to keep this hijacker from doing these things

@Anonymous That’s a really good way to put it. Do you anyone in your life that understands?

@Catlove9 Not really just them trying to be and all

@Anonymous I’m sorry. It’s the same for me.

@Catlove9 Maybe will be ok

@Anonymous We will be okay at some point. And just think. If we can get through this, we can get through anything.

@Catlove9 My first go wasn't like this.

@Anonymous Mine either. But it will always come in different. Are you doing ERP?

@Catlove9 Yes but it doesn't seem to help

@Anonymous That’s how I feel. But then I wonder if I’m still engaging in compulsions. I find myself trying to figure out my thoughts and feelings which I know I shouldn’t be doing.

@Catlove9 Idt I have compulsion really besides Google sometimes

@Anonymous Do you sit and think a lot and analyze everything?

@Catlove9 No I just Google my thoughts sometimes to find something similar

@Anonymous I do that a lot as well. And then ruminate and analyze why I am having them.

@Catlove9 I have thought like what is wrong with me from time to time

@Anonymous Me too. Because at times it really think something is broken in my brain. It scares me. Because it feels like I will never be me again.

@Catlove9 Like even when this happened 3 years ago it felt like my brain broke. I remember the feeling. It really felt like something broke shifted or changed

@Anonymous Yes! That’s exactly how I explained it to my therapist. I told them “it feels like my brain broke.” I got harm ocd in the middle of a horrible panic attack and since then, my ocd has just gotten worse.

@Catlove9 My first rime with harm ocd came out of the blue as I was going to bed and it was a image and urge of me smothering my 1 year old that was in the bed with us. I shook and sweated all night that was three years ago. When that thought happened I felt my brain literally break I was 29.

@Anonymous Yah. I was having this horrible panic attack (which I had fairly often) and during it I had the urge/feeling/thought that I was going to hurt someone. It felt so real and so scary and I had no idea what it was. I was terrified. I was 31. And it’s been this way now for 5 years

@Catlove9 Constantly?

@Anonymous I would say off and on but the last 5 months has been constant

@Catlove9 I hate it so much. How long does your remission last?

@Anonymous Recently it’s been only for a few hours or a day here and there.

@Catlove9 I don't even get that

@Anonymous What do you do most days?

@Catlove9 Try to work

@Anonymous Yah. Same. Sometimes work helps. But when I go Into the office, it’s a lot worse.

@Catlove9 Yeah I understand. I'm a armed security officer and we also do private security for events and being armed is no fun

@Anonymous Ugh gosh. I can only imagine. That has to make it harder for you. But is also a good exposure if you look at it that way.

@Catlove9 That it is. One day at work it turned to myself and I was alone. So I had to call home a few minutes cause the urge was super strong

@Anonymous Does your wife understand?

@Catlove9 Fiancée and describe understand

@Anonymous My boyfriend says he doesn’t understand and that he probably never will

@Catlove9 She understands it's not me but she doesn't know how it feels or how I do

@Anonymous I have only been able to tell him bits and pieces.

@Catlove9 Why??

@Anonymous I’ve been able to share my false memories and my other ocd stuff. But I haven’t been able to share that im scared I am going to hurt him or someone. I’m worried he’ll think something is wrong with me

@Catlove9 I've told her everything

@Anonymous That’s awesome. And I’m glad you did. I’m also glad she knows it’s not you. She obviously really cares.

@Catlove9 I'm a honest guy. Plus no sense in hiding it I act differently when this is happening anyway

@Anonymous I’ve been pretty good at hiding it. My mom and sister know. I feel like a monster.

@Catlove9 I didn't bother my dad with it for like 2 weeks he had alot going on plus he is 75

@Anonymous I try telling my mom and her response is “well this probably isn’t ocd. You must have some deep issues that you need to get to the bottom of.” It makes me so upset.

@Catlove9 I was crying about it. It's very rough especially when people do what your mom done

@Anonymous It’s upsetting. She’s never really tried to understand. I guess at this point with me being 36, I just need to accept it.

@Catlove9 What's bothering me is this came so late in life for me

@Anonymous I know. It’s almost like we died in a way and now are different.

@Catlove9 Did you always have ocd

@Anonymous Yah. I can remember back when I was like 4. I couldn’t sleep because I was worried someone would break in and kill my family. Then it kind of morphed into health ocd. I was always worried I was going to get a tumor or cancer or hiv. Then I had relationship ocd where I was always worried I was being cheated on or I wasn’t loved. Then I had false memory ocd after drinking. Worrying I’d done something awful when drunk. And now I still have some of all that plus the harm and the dp/dr which is newer.

@Catlove9 Just wish mine never started

@Anonymous Me too. But I guess we can’t change it. Do you see a therapist on here?

@Catlove9 Yes.

@Anonymous I am too. But I must be doing something wrong because it’s not helping.

@Catlove9 Same

I hate my brain so much

And then this leading to re-assurance seeking like checking, re-checking things, playing memory in your mind just to confirm or remember that you haven't harmed anyone.

@UG I hate the harm ocd commands the I'm gonna xyz tonight and the urge is so real