i hate the feeling of “excitement” in my stomach like i’m about to do it. it feels like butterflies, i hate it i don’t want to feel like that. i don’t want to hurt anyone, i say that all the time but it’s like my mind doesn’t get it.
also the “today is when you actually do it thought”, so scary. it feels like i have to call the police on myself most days
@stargirlll Me too girl. Especially when it comes to the most scary ones
Do you have urges too? Im just asking cause i do experienced that too
@PRIV8 yes i do
I have the same reaction to suicidal thoughts, im afraid that i feel relief and i domt want to, i hate that
I made 2 posts about this and how i always jump to "i rather die" when i have problems and it scares me that it means i want to avoid pain to cope so i engage in suicidal ideation, im so scared of this. I posted but noone said anything, idk i see that alot of people doesnt get replies these days...
@PRIV8 Hey, I have the same issue. Do you have a snap or insta? We can talk
@secretlyobsessed2012 Do you have a solution or cab you tell me something about that or you just want to talk? Cause i cant share anything about it and if you dont either it doesnt help either of us...
@PRIV8 I just wanted to share my insight but it’s fine- I’ve been dealing with suicidal ocd since Janruary and it’s awful. I was just gonna give you some support
@secretlyobsessed2012 Oh you can share it here too
@PRIV8 What are you having issues with? Like what’s your intrusive thought? Mine is I’m gonna jump in front of a car. Which makes no sense but I’ve been thinking about that specific thought for months now
@secretlyobsessed2012 I always think that i have it so agressive that mine is not ocd. As i hear from you but i might be wrong, you just have this random fear that pops up that makes you afraid. For me it pops up when im suffering with something and i read some have it not just an obsession but the compulsion, which means i want to avoid pain with suicide, which if you think about it its more like the real suicidal ideations. I dont want to accept that im actually suicidal but it more feels like i have to accept that i am
@PRIV8 Yeah I understand. But mine pops up too all the time when I’m having a hard time. It’s more prevalent. But the thing about suicide ideation is that people who have that truly wants to die. We don’t wanna die. That’s the difference. We’re terrified of the fear of dying which makes us have these terrible intrusive thoughts
@secretlyobsessed2012 That doesnt stop my obsession cause alot of people who want to die but doesnt do it because of fear or they dont want to hurt their family but they doesnt want to live either, i read alot of this type of struggles. Its not that for me its just these reasons that i dont do it, but when i feel so bad i cant tell the difference, its like i want to avoid the pain and thats scares me so much. The advice i get is that even if im suicidal i need to accept it, its just makes me feel so depressed. Yesterday i read that some experience suicidal thoughts as compulsion, to avoid the obsessions, and i remember i had and i still have these thoughts that i rather just die and no suffer, and now i feel more like there might be a coping thing for me. I even read that some have self harm as compulsion. Many times i had really bad urges and i was so scared, and if my compulsion is to kll myself thats dangerous, i wouldnt play with that... also the urges feels so real, i have panic attacks and with this suicidal thoughts it feels like im actually will do it.
@PRIV8 Just be aware this will get a report or something
@PRIV8 You’re not going to tho. It’s fear. And research is just gonna intense that fear, which I know I’m a hypocrite cause I do the same thing. But I feel like saying to yourself it would be easier is normal.
@secretlyobsessed2012 I apreciate that but it doesnt makes me worry, i feel like i need to learn my beliefs and thoughts behind it, what is my beleif. I always have this that if someone is really bad i have this reaction that i rather die. And it helps avoid the feelings. But i have urges too, i had so bad thoughts i remember once i dealt with intrusive thoughts that it should be better for me, i would like it, and i felt intrusive emotions like i like it or something, i was so afraid back then. I see alot of people here having just the "what if" thoughts and mine feels like an actual coping thing to avoid pain which for me sounds like an actual ideation. Cause people with suicidal ideation do that to avoid pain and my situation doesnt feel different. Also im really hard on myself and sometimes feels like i hate myself, this just makes it more like its real
When I talk about how terrible I used to be to my girlfriend it makes me feel like I’m gonna do it again which I don’t wanna do and it scares me and then I get intrusive thoughts and feelings about it doing it but I don’t want to, weird I know.
I’ve been doing okay, I’ve been a bit emotionally numb honestly. I’m stressed, tired, and just ugh. I was talking to my bf about exs and he was making a joke. An immediate comeback came into my head and for a second it felt fine. I was smirking. I felt like I was about to say this. It was a terribly mean thing that attacks things he’s told me in confidence that he’s insecure about. A comment comparing him to an ex. He saw when it hit me because I was genuinely too shocked for it to not be apparent. I had such a strong urge to confess, but I couldn’t because it was *so mean*. He’s been numb too and we honestly seem to hate each other in a loving way, and that’s somehow comforting. So, he pushed me to confess out of curiosity. I ended up telling him. He didn’t care but I’m still in so much distress. Had it been a moment where he wasn’t apathetic, had it been then and I spoke without thinking, I’m sure he would’ve cared, I know it would’ve hurt him. I feel so shocked at the cruelty my mind creates. I don’t even know if this was intrusive because I energized and felt good until a few seconds later when it felt like I got ice water thrown at me from the shock. I genuinely could’ve said this and I know there’s no point in dwelling on it now but it’s still so scary. I can’t seem to breathe properly right now. I feel so panicked. I haven’t had a panic attack in almost a week. My brain is a bully. I don’t want it to be apart of me. I feel so awful for having that thought and I feel like I’m drowning.
Has anyone else ever mistaken adrenaline or anxiety for ‘excitement’ or ‘happiness’ over a bad thought and then it made you feel like there is something wrong with you? Online it says adrenaline/anxiety/excitement can all feel the same and after going through ocd for so long I feel like I got use to the feeling of anxiety and I feel confused sometimes as to whether I actually feel anxious or not. I feel really worried I don’t know I don’t even know what I feel anymore I had this stabbing thought and then I had this feeling where it felt almost like I was happy or enjoying it or wanted it and had the urge feeling and. Now I’m worried there is something wrong with me because it felt like it was a real ‘desire’ and now I’m worried and I can’t forget about it or get over it
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