You guys, I’m having a really bad day. I’ve been feelings so insecure about myself lately. I feel just so bad, I don’t want to be considered boyish or anything. Especially because of this whole hocd thing. But today I was really struggling with my clothes, and I cried. Then just now a boy called me and I quote a “dyke” and that just hurt me (sorry if I offend anyone, not my intentions). But then he said “oh no a rocker girl” and idk that kinda just hurts because im so insecure and I’m going through hocd and it’s making me feel worse about how people view me this way when it just feels like I’m not any of those things. So I just really hate these past few days. I am not looking forward to waking up in the mornings anymore. I hope everyone is having a good day.

I don’t know what to do man I really feel like a lesbian, ugh I just want to cry and dig myself in a hole and die in it. it won’t stoppp:/ I thought I was doing well and now I’m just thinking about guys being gross and that I like girls and I’m in a lot of pain:/ I feel the phrase pop up whenever I know I like boys like “you don’t choose who you love” and that just triggers my hocd even further I can’t:/

I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.

Today was a horrible day... I got falsely accused of racism by a random stranger the first thing in the morning. I got yelled at by people on the discord community for it. I didn’t win the draw for the shoes I wanted to make money for. The girl I like hasn’t been responding to my DM’s, and my HOCD and POCD feel so real and it makes me feel like I’m in denial constantly with the intrusive thoughts... it feels so tempting to just give up and die...