- Date posted
- 1y
Ever felt like this in your relationship?
I’ve had OCD my whole life, but it was triggered and became debilitating just over two months ago. The themes have changed over the past two months, but the main thing has been relationship OCD. It started as me worrying about my fiancés past and then I started getting flashbacks to my past relationship and then it moved to feeling like he was going to leave me. The entire time, I felt guilty and anxious around him constantly, I couldn’t sleep and I wasn’t eating because I felt so nauseous. Then a couple of weeks ago, I had the thought, “What if you leave him? What if you don’t love him anymore? Remember how that one thing g irritated you? If you loved him, it wouldn’t irritate you so much. You must not love him.” After those thoughts, I have felt like there is a demon in my head. Everytime I look at my fiancé or talk to him, the initial feeling is one of love and admiration, but then the demon in my head takes over saying, “You don’t love him. Ugh he’s so annoying. You wish he wasn’t here.” These were never thoughts I had before my OCD got triggered to severely, so I know that these feelings are not really my feelings and are my OCD. Even when I was obsessing about his past or having flashbacks from my past, I never once thought that I didn’t love him. Sometimes, my fiancee feels like a stranger to me. It’s like I disassociate or something. Like I’m with him, but I haven’t been able to be present with him for the past two months because my mind is racing and always finding something wrong with something. I love him so much, and we’ve had to postpone our wedding because I’ve been so mentally ill and have been living with my parents the past couple of weeks, which makes it harder because I feel like I’m avoiding my trigger, which he can be a trigger for me because of my thoughts. I feel like not being married to him is making me worse. I know he is the man I love and the man for me and the man that God sent to be my husband. The fact that we aren’t married yet gives me a greater feeling of uncertainty that feels like it’s feeding my OCD. I think marrying him will help me, but I’m not sure if that’s the right decision for me right now. Has anyone else felt anything like this?