I don’t deserve anything. Good sleep, food, nothing. That’s what I keep telling myself whenever I try to sleep or treat myself. I take things I’ve done and the guilt eats me alive. My mom was psychologically abusive to me growing up without knowing it and defends my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive father (he has only hit me not her). One day I snapped and I charged at her and started hitting her saying I wish she would die and I hated her. She was crying and not hitting back until she finally dug her nails into my head. I was held in isolation from an ex boyfriend in the Middle East and I got really messed up in the head. I went back home and my mom tried her same controlling techniques while I was jobless and I just snapped. I feel like crap now and I treat her like a queen and we’ve been fine but I can’t stop saying to myself I don’t deserve anything. She is a hypochondriac but when she said she was dizzy for weeks after our fight I can’t help but get worried. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I have deep pain within myself. It’s a long story. But I got really messed up over the past year and was like a housewife in Dubai, sometimes not seeing outside for 2 weeks. I came home to no car anymore, jobless, and my mom treating me like a prisoner. Now I work and take the train to the city but it’s hard for me to excel with this guilt. I say and do things to my mom and she has issues but she also is the most selfless woman for me and everyone else. Idk how to make it up to her.

My opinion would just be a sincere apology. Talk about how both of you feel. I’m very impressed by how strong you’ve been through all of this, and you deserve your health. You deserve to take a deep breath and be able to relax and fall asleep. You deserve a home cooked meal and hugs and smiles. You deserve to go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air. You got this.

But you didn’t and don’t deserve what happened to you.

Wow. My heart is hurting for you. You deserve so much better. If you’ve made it through all of this you’ll definitely make it out okay.

Thank you for your kind response ❤️ I moved to Dubai for a new life and weaned off my medication. Fell in love and then got laid off. Had to move with my boyfriend to his free company accommodation on the conservative outskirts of Dubai. I was dealing with depression and had a drunk scene lashing out and he punished me for months. He even threatened to leave me without food and water and abandon the apartment and I faked a jumping balcony scene so he would stay. After all of that and going home I can’t even describe to u the mental state I was in. Going outside even made me anxious. He brainwashed my mom and she always takes his side, even when he spit in my face she said I provoked him. I have huge resentment towards my mom and her controlling ways and ironically she’s the one I confess embarrassing things to as a compulsion. I did apologize and hug it out and then she starts up again and I get a rush of anger in me. Now I just hold it in but it’s not healthy. She brushes off meds and mental health and says I need to be grateful and if I want meds I need to move out (I can’t afford to now I work 7 days a week, 2 jobs, paying off credit card debt) but when I was on meds and therapy I was ok. Now I’m in full ocd relapse. And me attacking her really makes me feel like a horrible person. I can’t describe the resentment I feel towards her even though she’s done everything for me and is selfless. I had a verbal fight with her once and he called my dad for backup and he ended up beating my head. So I was around a tumultuous household growing up.