- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
My opinion would just be a sincere apology. Talk about how both of you feel. I’m very impressed by how strong you’ve been through all of this, and you deserve your health. You deserve to take a deep breath and be able to relax and fall asleep. You deserve a home cooked meal and hugs and smiles. You deserve to go outside and take a deep breath of fresh air. You got this.
- Date posted
- 5y
But you didn’t and don’t deserve what happened to you.
- Date posted
- 5y
Wow. My heart is hurting for you. You deserve so much better. If you’ve made it through all of this you’ll definitely make it out okay.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you for your kind response ❤️ I moved to Dubai for a new life and weaned off my medication. Fell in love and then got laid off. Had to move with my boyfriend to his free company accommodation on the conservative outskirts of Dubai. I was dealing with depression and had a drunk scene lashing out and he punished me for months. He even threatened to leave me without food and water and abandon the apartment and I faked a jumping balcony scene so he would stay. After all of that and going home I can’t even describe to u the mental state I was in. Going outside even made me anxious. He brainwashed my mom and she always takes his side, even when he spit in my face she said I provoked him. I have huge resentment towards my mom and her controlling ways and ironically she’s the one I confess embarrassing things to as a compulsion. I did apologize and hug it out and then she starts up again and I get a rush of anger in me. Now I just hold it in but it’s not healthy. She brushes off meds and mental health and says I need to be grateful and if I want meds I need to move out (I can’t afford to now I work 7 days a week, 2 jobs, paying off credit card debt) but when I was on meds and therapy I was ok. Now I’m in full ocd relapse. And me attacking her really makes me feel like a horrible person. I can’t describe the resentment I feel towards her even though she’s done everything for me and is selfless. I had a verbal fight with her once and he called my dad for backup and he ended up beating my head. So I was around a tumultuous household growing up.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
- Date posted
- 21w
i don’t know what changed, but in the past 1-2 weeks something switched in my brain and now i am obsessing over every mistake I’ve ever made, and i firmly believe the guilt i feel is justified. i am a pathological liar and i’m realizing i may have lied about more things than I ever intended to. i think i tricked myself into believing some things and now I feel awful that I’ve lied to myself and others about so many things. my mind is a mess and i can’t even tell what is a lie and what isn’t anymore. i also feel like i’ve been taking advantage of my boyfriends family who has financially supported me for these past few years, because i had convinced myself and everyone around me that my physical health & mental health was worse than it actually was. i never meant to take advantage or hurt anyone, but i can definitely say that i became complacent and comfortable living these past few years without having to worry about work, school, or really anything. i think i used “not feeling well” as an excuse to not do anything because i was too afraid to leave the house and function in society. i feel so awful and disgusted by my behavior and the guilt is eating me alive. i even feel bad using my phone because they pay for it, and feel bad being in my apartment for the same reason. i feel like everything about me is a lie and they’ve been paying for and supporting a person completely different than they thought. maybe i’m not who I portrayed myself out to be at all. i’ve felt so disgusting and so awful i can barely stand it. this morning i woke up feeling like i was suffocating, my chest hurt so bad and i felt like there was absolutely no way out. i really felt like i was dying. other than the lying, i’ve felt awful about things i did as a child where i didn’t know any better, or i even feel bad about my own thoughts and emotions that I have no control over. my mom says i’m being too hard on myself, and that i can’t help that i lie, but i don’t believe that. i think i deserve to feel this way and that i’m not being hard enough on myself. i lied and took advantage and therefore i deserve to suffer. i caused people to worry for me when it wasn’t necessary, when i was fine. i deserve to feel so guilty that i’m nauseous, i deserve to feel ashamed. i feel like i don’t deserve to eat or feel better, even though i desperately want to. i feel so guilty and so shameful i literally can’t function. i want to escape this feeling so bad, i want to get out of this guilt that’s keeping me from moving on and improving myself. i acknowledge that i have a lying problem, that it’s a mental illness, but i am ashamed of it and feel disgusted that i’m this way even though i can’t help some of it. i truly don’t know what to do or how to have compassion for myself. probably a good idea to share that my dad is a pathological liar and never received help, and i’m pretty sure i learned this behavior through him. not to mention all the stuff i did as a kid that i feel bad about, or the fact that i feel bad about things i can’t control. and i even feel bad about finding certain things funny. the guilt is killing me and i don’t know how i’m ever supposed to become a better person if i’m so sure that i’m undeserving of ever feeling better. in my head i truly feel like im a monster. i feel like i’m having a crisis because i’m realizing i lied about a lot of things without even really realizing it. or i deceived myself into thinking things. and I’ve lied about things for sympathy, for attention, to make myself seem more interesting, or to make me seem less pathetic than i actually am. i’ve lied about some serious things, and i’ve lied about things that don’t matter at all. i don’t know how to keep living. i want to go home to my apartment and be in my safe space, but i feel disgusting being there when i’ve taken advantage of my boyfriend’s family, even though it was never my intention. no matter what I do and where i go, i feel wrong. because i’ve done so many bad things and i can’t forgive myself. i feel so morally wrong i can’t stand it and i don’t see things ever getting better. i feel like I’m going crazy and i feel so alone. i can’t escape this guilt no matter what. and i feel overwhelmed because I know this isn’t something that can be fixed quickly. am i ever gonna be able to live without shame ever again? am i ever gonna be able to do the things i love again? the things that brought me comfort? nothing brings me any comfort, and i spend all day in bed or sitting around doing absolutely nothing because i can’t distract myself. i can’t stop thinking about all the things i’ve done no matter how hard i try. i obsessively read and look up online things to try and find reassurance. i feel like i’m going crazy. and i just feel so sorry. to everyone. and i’m so extremely ashamed of my behavior. i can’t stop obsessing about the past, the present, and the future. don’t i deserve to feel this way when i’ve lied and done bad things? even if it wasn’t my intention, or if it’s a result of a mental illness? don’t i deserve to feel debilitating guilt when i’ve been a bad person? even though i know i never had any bad intentions, i don’t think it matters. am i gonna feel this way forever, where everything i do or everywhere i look, im reminded of the the things ive done?
- Date posted
- 20w
I woke up very late today because my son kept me up all night because he is teething so I didn’t fully wake up until 6am. These past months have been crippling because of my ocd, depression and anxiety. So crippling to the point I have been terrified to leave my bed. Because I haven’t been leaving the room often I am starting to come off as lazy to my mother in law and I have been slacking on helping around the house. My mother in law has surgery on Tuesday and needs us to help out more. I got up to do the dishes the other day and had to stop because I was having a flare up and felt like I was going to over heat from anxiety. I laid down and never finished the dishes. Today she came home really mad at my husband and I because we haven’t been helping and the guilt is eating me alive. I want to apologize but I don’t want to bring up how I have been feeling because I don’t want it to come off as an excuse. I don’t want this to lead to a point where I’m suffering because of it and I don’t want it to ruin her perception of me. I just feel awful that I’m letting this take over my life. Moments like this make me feel useless and I lose hope of ever getting better. what if I never get better. She does so much for me and I’m letting her down💔
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond