breakup + ocd

@KarsynJ thankyou so much for your help , i know you said you came to the conclusion that it was the right decision, but did you ever experience anything like your ocd got overwhelming in the relationship and it would be easier for yourself to not be with them? i feel guilty in this way because i feel as though my ocd got worse within the relationship.

@Sunflowers44 Absolutely. I actually kind of think my ocd was partially responsible for the breakup. Not that that’s a bad thing. Because of my trauma I lean towards trusting my gut when it tells me to run. In the moment I really didn’t know why I wanted to break up with him. Now I have the vocabulary to explain why but at the time I didn’t, I was stressed, about to graduate, I’d been dating an anxiously attached manipulator for a year, everything was happening at once and he was smothering me. I was spiraling, my intrusive thoughts were spiraling, my relationships with my ex and my friends were spiraling. It was a really confusing and difficult time in my life. I’m still recovering from it now, even though it happened over a year ago, I’ve made a lot of progress but progress isn’t linear. I spent months ruminating on whether or not it was the right decision, what I did wrong, what he did wrong, all I wanted was closure, and I’ll tell you right now I never got the closure the old me wanted. I had to create my own. Even through all the hurt he put me through, I never got an apology, and that’s something I just had to come to terms with. I had to make a choice, I could choose to cave in on myself, replaying the same conversations in my mind that I wish I could’ve had over and over making small changes until I get it just right. Typing paragraphs in my notes trying to organize my thoughts just right, cover every detail, making every point and every emotion as crystal clear as possible (but I know that’s not possible when it comes to my ocd). Or, I could choose to meet myself with the uncertainty and discomfort I fear so much. And in the end, they weren’t so scary. By letting myself experience the pain, by allowing myself to be vulnerable with the people I trusted, and letting myself be uncertain about the couldves wouldves and shouldves, I found that peace I had lost for so long. For example, the intrusive thought, “what could I have done better/to fix things/to keep this from happening,” enters your mind, answer it with, “I guess we’ll never.” Don’t fuel the thoughts and they can’t consume you.

@KarsynJ “I guess will never know” sorry about the typo

@KarsynJ thank you , your words have helped me so much.

@Sunflowers44 I’m glad! Best of luck in your healing journey!