pocd.

i dont think i have ocd. i dont deserve to heal or anything

@Nameless000 That's exactly what it does, try to convince you that there is no other possibility besides your fears being real. If you're able, please seek help, but regardless of anything going on in your life, you are with and deserving of love, and you deserve to get better.

@bowler5781 worthy and deserving**

@bowler5781 i have pocd. i stared at the bottom area of a little innocent girl, i don't have any reason to believe it was ocd. k**s wearing leggings trigger me so much, because I can notice what I don't want to. I was going at the bar to eat and I saw a little girl and I noticed she was wearing what triggers me, and I had to confirm twice by glancing twice and I felt like a ****. I tried to rationalise and ignore it. Because there was no table available inside I had to eat outside. While I was eating she passed in front of me, I avoided her sight. But then another one passed in front of me and she was wearing leggings too and it triggered me. I tried to ignore at first but in my mind there was a strong warning of "don't look at the bottom area", there is a danger, there is a potential trigger. So I just looked down so I only could see the legs, but in the end I self-sabotaged myself and I just looked in that area. I couldn't see properly and I kept staring in that area, trying to find a visible triggering element, which is the bottom area. I felt disgusting. I can't move on from this. I tried to describe this revolting episode, with rationality, keeping in mind that I have ocd, but it happened all too fast and too slow, I could be just trying to justify myself. I think I'm in denial. I don't want to be attracted by those things from ****, so why I keep noticing in the first place and look? Why can't I see **** normally? Why do I always feel uncomfortable and weird and these situation happen. Why do I always notice inappropriate parts. Why am I always over aware of them. I wish to not have any of those things be around me but only adult women. But what's the truth anymore? I feel like I'm justifying myself, lying. Doesn't seem credible. Why can't I be certain of something so disgusting? I want to off myself but I can't because of a promise to my mother. But I don't want to live either.

@Nameless000 Everything you're describing is a telltale symptom of OCD. From the intrusive thoughts to the looking when you don't want to, to the triggering. I know this is sort of reassurance, but at a point in time you need to know what your brain is trying to convince you of. In essence you've become so afraid that your brain is conditioned to look for these things you don't want it to because it's all you can think about. I and many others on this platform deal with the same struggles, but this doesn't mean you are on way or the other. You can't be certain of it, ever, your brain simply won't let you. Get comfortable with the uncertainty and with the thoughts simply existing, that's the only way to heal and make progress. Please find a way to slow your mind, and not try to convince yourself one way or the other. Get lost in the idea of simply being, but not being one thing in particular. Also, somatic and staring OCD is real and sounds very much like another theme you might have. All I'm saying is you're not alone, and you don't deserve to die just because your brain thinks you do.

@bowler5781 thank you. can somatic/staring ocd be combined with pocd?

@bowler5781 is it normal to be triggered a lot by leggings? if it was an adult woman wearing one i wouldn't be bothered at all.

@Nameless000 and why does it happen only with g*rls? I was triggered by b*ys too but now I don't.

@Nameless000 i also used to be bothered by seeing the b*tt of girls my age, but now i don't anymore, I'm comfortable with it. I'm fine with being attracted with adult girls. I guess it was because i was making an association with the other triggering thing. Sorry I'm writing so many answers. I'm trying to collect proof of somatic ocd.

@Nameless000 Triggers are unique to you. It's whatever has developed as a fear. Since leggins are skin tight, it's a linear train of thought that they make it easier to see the lower half of the body and that you are sexualizing in some way. And I know that this discovery of a new OCD theme for you can be very explanatory, but it's best not to gather proof. It may explain some things, but again gathering proof feeds it. Exist within the idea of being, but not being anything particular. You are an incredibly wonderful and complex human being, and your life is your own to live. OCD may try to take it from you, but you have the opportunity every day to not engage with your thoughts and compulsions, and learn to simply be. I believe in you, you got this.

@bowler5781 But I don't want to se&ualize. The fact itself that I se&ualized **** makes me want to stop living. I can't accept something like that. I can't tolerate it. The fact that it happened and that it will keep happening against my will. I can't. I can't accept that I did something like that. Maybe I'm writing this because I want you to tell that it is unwanted. But unwanted or wanted it doesn't change the action of se&ualization. It's unforgivable and untolerable. I'm tired of all of this.

@Nameless000 Our brains are fickle things. They are like unruly children, they can't help but do what we tell them not to, to think what we wish they wouldn't. I'm sorry for the hurt these thoughts and feelings are causing you, but it's important to distinguish the world in your head from the reality surrounding you. Pur thoughts are simply that, thoughts. We cannot control them sometimes, but at the same time they do not control us. You are deserving of healing, and while it won't be an easy journey, it will be worth it. I believe in you.

@bowler5781 I can't stand the memories. And the fact that my personal memory is ruined by too many things like these. And every good moment or meaningful things to me are stained by intrusive thoughts. Also upon learning that all this time what I was doing was se&ualizing even though unwantedly (is it really?) makes me feel more closer to a **** than to myself. That statement hurts me. Each time I feel like one. Each time it feels so real. As if I enjoyed it and wanted it. It feels indistinguishable from my voice. I don't know what my voice is anymore. I can't lead a normal life. Everything is stained and nobody would want to be close to me if they knew what I struggle with daily. Thank you for taking your time to answer me. I'1l try to move on as you said. But I feel so empty now I don't feel anything. I'm just writing to write. I don't feel hurt and triggered anymore about learning that truth that I wrote a few sentences before. Just empty.

@Nameless000 You're not alone. I've been through the same cycles, and I know how much it hurts but you'll work through it, I know you will. You can always message me here in this thread again if you need to talk. I hope you find your way, because you deserve it.

@bowler5781 So how should I be proceeding? Like what should I be doing next time something like this happens? I'm sorry for asking many questions, I know you aren't my therapist, but since you've been through these same cycles, what did you do (if you did, no judgement) to move on?

@Nameless000 I actually literally just had a trigger happen. A guy who does animations of general knowledge content did a video about umbilical cords, and I heard my brain say "don't look at the crotch area" and before I knew it it happened. It's difficult, and sometimes I fail but first things first I try not to beat myself up. Don't let the negative self talk start and cause a spiral, delay it for as long as possible. Offer some self-compassion talk, don't focus on the specifics of the situation, and sort of just sit with the anxiety. Don't tell yourself the anxiety is a good or bad sign, that it means one thing or the other, just sit with it. Quietly feel it, don't analyze, just coexist with it. The biggest thing with OCD is we aren't perfect, so even if I eventually dip into a compulsion or look for reassurance, it doesn't make me less worthy of respect and compassion. We can't know anything for certain, that's all we do know. So learning to exist with the anxiety, uncertainty, and simply being kind to ourselves regardless is crucial.

@bowler5781 I feel you. Thanks for the advices. I was also thinking should I, next time when I encounter such triggers just let it be? Get used to seeing triggering elements and than doing nothing about it. No rumination, just moving on. Get used to it, like exposure, teach my brain that there isn't any moral danger, that there just "is". It's easier said than done, because in the moment that sight could be too triggering to approach it in this way. https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7KhOF9KZwF/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link this nocd instagram reel helped me a bit on how I should proceed

@Nameless000 Yes this is exactly it. I've read a lot that in avoiding our triggers we only make it worse on ourselves, since we never teach our brain that the things it's so afraid of are actually safe and no threat to us at all. Exposure and attempts to delay or eliminate these anxiety responses is the best way for our body and brain to learn.

@bowler5781 I think the only thing in the way of not seeing something as triggering anymore, as dangerous, it's the intrusive voice telling you that you're attracted. That this is se&ual and wanted. I don't know specifically in this situation, it's a bit odd. In the video they only talked about exposure and avoiding compulsions to intrusive thoughts, not specifically when you see something that triggers you a lot, when the triggered state gets initiated by seeing something first. I wish there was like a tutorial on what to do.

@Nameless000 probably the rule is the same, don't do compulsions like checking to confirm or rumination, or substituting the trigger with an adult woman like I do. But if I don't do that I get stuck with the intrusive image of the memory of the triggering thing I saw, and it feels like I want it, that I'm comfortable with it. You can't control it and it stays there without you doing anything. That's why I'm forced to switch the intrusive image with something I'm okay with. It's so diffucult.

@Nameless000 I totally get it. The sad part about our recover is it's not going to be easy, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it. The best example I think I've heard is the tiger in a cage approach. When you have these thoughts, imagine you're looking at a tiger in a cage at the zoon. I like to turn them into something tangible, like you're looking at the thought in a crystal ball or something. Then just look at it, observe but do not engage. Do not speak to it, do not look at it and try to gether meaning, just look and be with it. It really helps me distinguish my sense of being from the thought itself.

@Nameless000 - Hang in there I have pocd too, I get triggered really easily but we have an illness that sucks really bad. Sometimes I don't want to live but I have to for my family