Overwhelmed - need some support

Hi all, It's been a while since I've visited this community, mostly because I have avoided romantic relationships since life is usually much more fun without the anxiety and dread that come with them. However, I got into some therapy about a year ago and started a romantic relationships about seven months ago. Truthfully, the whole thing was intended as a bit of an exposure and now I am seven months in and his parents are talking about marriage and babies.... I like him and I generally enjoy the time we spend together when we are together, but simultaneously, I dread dates and am always attempting to guard my alone time or my time with friends. He is in a totally different place - wanting to spend multiple nights together, several days per week, and wanting us to have keys to each others' apartment. Last night, he became frustrated about feeling like he is not a time priority in my life. I figured it was now or never so I talked with him about the OCD and how sometimes spending less time feels safer. He is 35 years old (I'm 30) and he said he is past the point of his life where he wants to "toy around" and asked if I would "grow out of this." And the truth is, I don't know. I think I want marriage and a family but I've been dealing with ROCD for 10 years and this same type of pattern happens in all of my romantic relationships. I'm in I-CBT therapy for OCD and have also done ERP but I just feel that nothing helps. I wonder if this is going to be my life forever and am I subsequently going to now drag another person into it? Along with their family's hopes and dreams? My boyfriend says he is willing to stick it out and see how things can change, which also feels like a lot of pressure. I am just feeling so dejected and disregulated. I can't sleep or work. I'm so tired.

Relationship OCD

JediMJ

Date posted: 1y

It sounds like you’re really struggling and the situation you are in sounds difficult. But you have made progress…you’re in therapy, you opened up to your bf about OCD, and you are able to articulate what’s going on. 🙂 It sounds like the first thing you need is some self-care. When I’m not sleeping well, it’s hard to think clearly about anything. What do you need to do to take care of yourself? When you’re in a good head space, I think you need to figure out what YOU want and it’s okay to not know. We already know what he and his parents want but you have to figure out what you want. How are the two of you going to handle times when you really need some alone time? Will he respect that or pressure you to make him a priority? In the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle, she talked about the need to disappoint everyone except yourself. That was radical to me…I always tried to please everybody else, making decisions based on other people’s expectations. Just know I’m sending you good energy and I hope you’ll find some time to rest and figure out what you need and ask for it. You will get through this.

SeekingSafety

Date posted: 1y

This is so kind and warm and I so appreciate you taking the time to write such a thoughtful response. Thank you!

AnonymousAnf

Date posted: 25w

Desperately seeking advice…

Hi, friends. I apologize in advance because this is going to be a long one. Friends and family have tried to help and give me advice, but they don’t truly understand how OCD/ROCD disrupts me from thinking logically. Quick back story: I was in a relationship for 10 years with a guy who I liked enough, but was never truly “in love” with. We bought a house together and everything. I broke up with him in January 2024 after learning that he had been lying to me and hiding multiple substance addictions throughout our relationship. He was also a compulsive liar. Needless to say, I was left in shambles with a ton of trust issues and a mortgage that I couldn’t afford alone. Flash forward to October 2024: I was unexpectedly setup by someone and ended up going on a date with a divorced 38 year old, I’m 30 for reference. Neither of us expected it to go anywhere and we were both the first person the other dated since ending their previous relationship/marriage. Plot twist….I fell absolutely in love with this man. I mean, getting excited to go to bed because I knew when I woke up I could talk to him again in love (🤮). Lame, I know. He said he loved me very quickly after a night of drinking, but the next day made it clear that “I know I was drunk, but I know what I said and I meant it.” Things progressed, we spent a lot of time together very quickly and there were a lot of big feelings. Things were fantastic and I felt like I was living in a movie. Now, here we are 5 months later. I’ve learned that he is definitely an avoidant, which is tough because I have an anxious attachment style. He’s stopped saying the cute things he said in the beginning, and I know that people will say that was the “honeymoon phase” but I still feel just as happy and excited to be around him as I was in the beginning. He’s been pulling away and said that he does love me and wants to be with me, but he needs to work on himself first. I ended up breaking down and telling him everything I was feeling and everything that was upsetting me. He was taken back, but said that he hears me and that everything I’ve said is extremely valid. He said he didn’t realize that I felt that way and he’s sorry. We took a few days to collect our thoughts and process, finally seeing each other again last Friday. When we saw each other we had an open and honest talk. He said that he has noticed that he’s repeating things he’s done in past relationships and that he doesn’t want to do that with me, he doesn’t want to lose me. He said he wants to be together and that he sees a future with me, but he just needs a minute before he can “fully commit” I.e. introduce me to any more of his friends and family. I’m completely lost. I want to be with him more than anything. I respect that he recognizes a pattern and his detrimental behavior and I’m willing to meet him where he is. But at the same time, should I have to try so hard for someone to love me? I don’t want to lose him, but I cannot lose myself again either. I’m torn between “the right person will do what it takes to be with you” and “if they aren’t giving you what you need, walk away”… I know this is long, but if you made it this far, any and all advice would be extremely appreciated. Thank you!!

Relationship OCD

Missygirl-1

Date posted: 21w

Anyone relate?

Really need input. I have been suffering with doubts and thoughts since November. I saw a therapist who diagnosed me with OCD and have been in OCD medication for a couple months now. The meds have helped drastically with the frequency and urgency of my thoughts. But over the last week or so they have increased again. I did just get laid off from my job so I’m not sure if the stress from that has anything to do with it. But I’m at the point of questioning whether it really even is ROCD or if I’ve just been using it as an excuse to not see red flags. For example, my doubts are mainly around his contribution to chores, our quality time and romance, and how much of the load he will carry in the future once kids and things come into the picture. He is a hard worker who works long hours. He does also have ADHD which I think could be important to know here. But he will often say he is going to do little things like “Wednesday we will play a game together that night” and then they day comes and he ends up being too tired to play or just wants to watch our show together instead. And then if he doesn’t do a chore on the exact day he’s supposed to I start thinking he doesn’t care or doesn’t keep his word. I feel like I’m constantly asking for dates or romance or him to say sweet things. And I know sometimes he does. But at this point I can’t tell if it’s genuine unmet needs or if ROCD is making me not see the positive things he does or if ROCD is making me think I need more of these things because of unrealistic expectations or comparisons to social media. I think I know deep down I love him and want to be with him but then I start to think that I’m being treated wrong or that I’m settling. Please help.

Relationship OCD

Pandora_2003

Date posted: 9w

my experience

i have always been a pretty doubtful and overthinking person all my life, but i have never had bad ocd until something happened in my current relationship i met my boyfriend senior year of highschool, we started off as friends first but then would text all night and found out we have a lot in common, he still lived at his parents house at the time, i'd go over to his or he'd come over to mine sometimes, your typical teen romance story, my rocd didn't start acting up till we started getting serious fast forward to when i started working at my old job and met this guy who pretty much love bombed me, i didn't know it at the time, and so i lost myself during that time trying to balance everyone's feelings, i ended up hurting my current boyfriend really badly and ever since ive had raging rocd, every second of every day i cut this guy off and me and my boyfriend are still together, working it out, and then two christmases ago he gets kicked out of his house, and starts living with me and my family, a huge change i wasn't ready for but it happened my family loves my boyfriend, everyone i've ever introduced him to also does, he truly is an angel, he's so sweet and good to me, i've met all his friends and he's met mine, i could picture a life with him, but currently my rocd is too much to bear, id be better alone but im so deep in this now it's crippling, i can't hangout with my friends without rocd, cant wake up without rocd, cant think of anything without rocd, i cant eat or sleep, life feels like it's no longer real, the relief of breaking up with my boyfriend would free me, but i cant bring myself to, ive tried multiple times, i might just be a coward because i dont want to hurt him again, i dont want to lose him, but ive lost myself, this rocd is driving me insane lets say I break up with my boyfriend, he already got kicked out of his old house and I do not want him to have to feel like he's got to be kicked out again, this is his home now and I just couldn't do that to him, my family would lose someone they see as a son, and I would have to watch him move his stuff which would make me so sad because I care so much for him, I would even move out just so he doesn't have to the thing is I really can't put myself through this anymore, I have to put myself first or this will kill me, idk what to do maybe i could talk to him about how bad my ocd is, tell him that i really have tried to push through but i need a break, maybe we could be friends and work it out? i hope so

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Overwhelmed - need some support

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