Confused harm ocd pure ocd

I remember before when I went through a phase of having really gory messed up intrusive thoughts it felt like I ‘liked them’ or like an ‘urge’ but I still knew I didn’t want that and I felt stressed out having it and now it’s been a long while and the themes come back but I literally feel nothing I’m desensitised and it feels like I actually like it and I’m not anxious or anything and I can imagine really horrible thoughts Literally on purpose I’m imagining them because I use to test myself by imagining thoguhts to see if I ‘like it’ or if I get anxious but now it feels like I jsut start imagining really messed up gory thoughts I got triggered when it remembered soemthing soemone told me a killer did and then I started having this and now everyday it feels like I am one and that I like it and it doesn’t even feel like I don’t want to be or that I hate this it and sometimes it feels like I like the thoughts or want that or as if I’m ‘enjoying’ the thoughts or want to do that and I don’t know what to do I wasn’t like this before and now I’m thinking what if after imagining yhe thoguhts now I’ve taken a liking and want to do that, it’s coming to me really strongly sometimes that I want to do or like/enjoy these really sick things and I keep letting myself imagine them and I don’t know why it doesn’t even feel like I’m testing myself it’s as if I’m just letting my mind wander thinking about sick things and then feeling like I am like that or want that, or I had this thing where I kept worrying because I had an intrusive thoguht about stabbing and then it felt like I knew what it felt like to stab soemone and ‘liked the feeling’ of physically doing that and now it’s like I will randomly get a thought ‘imagine you done that anyway’ or ‘imagine you did that right now’ and then it feels like I need to imagine how it feels to do that and feels like I would actually do that or that I want to idk what to do I don’t even know what I feel anymore and it’s scary it feels like I’ve accepted being this awful thing and almost like I want to be or am one and I feel confused and then just now I remember how some bad people supposedly ‘wanted help’ and then ended up being bad and now I’m thinking what if that’s me and me writing this doesn’t mean anything because these last few days it’s literally imaginined the most gory worst thoughts you could think of and it’s felt like I like it or want that and I don’t know

Harm OCD

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I’m sorry that really sucks. I also have harm OCD .I’ve recovered from my harm ocd of hurting others but for a long time I was afraid I was gonna hurt my family because of it and I saw graphic images of hurting them why they were sleeping and It felt like some horrible part of me wanted to do something terrible. It was truly was-the most awful time-of my life. I slowly learn to be OK with the thoughts and ignore them it took me a long time. You kind of have to learn to just let the thoughts be there and not do anything by trying to do anything or feel anything to them. They will continue to come back as that’s a compulsion with OCD. You have to learn not to do compulsions or you will continue to have the OCD thoughts. Next time you have ocd thoughts, try your best to do nothing about them. I know that is hard just let yourself sit there with them. Don’t try to prove anything. Don’t try to look anything up. Just let them exist. I get why this is hard to do and why are you feeling like you need to fight them I really do but by fighting them you’re just doing compulsions ,proving to your subconscious that the OCD is a legit threat when it’s not and you’ll continue to have to deal with the OCD I would know. Stay strong I know it is really sucks. I’ve had a lot of sleep was nice crying because of it.

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Brooke cookie Thanks for this I appreciate your response, I don’t even feel like I’m fighting the thoguhts it feels like I’m bringing them on and allowing them I know before I use to test myself but say for instance I had this really gory thought about a sharp object don’t want to go into detail but it was a really really bad thought about soemone I care about and it feels as though I can feel that thought like I know how it feels to do that it’s really graphic and then I start imagining it again and again and now I’m thinking well if I didn’t like it or hated it how could I bear imagining it again ? Like why am I doing that why am I imagining that sick thought again on purpose? I should surely know that I hate it and not want to I don’t know why am doing that? I feel like there jsut definitely be something with me like you don’t understand how bad that thought was and it wasn’t even like one thought it was almost like a movie scene or a scenario?

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 I also had something similar. My ocd also had graphic thoughts but that’s pretty normal for you to worry that you’re not feeling enough shame or you’re not upset enough about them but that’s a compulsion you need to learn to not interact with your bad thoughts just kind of let them exist. Let yourself feel it except that they’re there so that you can move on. When I was younger, I had a graphic images of hurting my family, but for example, I had graphic image of hurting my little sister by putting I bag over her head a watching her slowly die in my head . It truly horrified me. I have learned to be OK with these thoughts and they do not come as often and when they do come, I’m able to just continue doing what I was doing if you learn to be OK with the thoughts, they don’t bother you anymore but that’s harder said than done. You have to sit there with them except them it’s hard and painful I completely understand. Just keep trying you’ll get better slowly.

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Brooke cookie I just don’t understand why it feels like I like it or feel like I enjoy it when I don’t get anxiety from it which makes it worse and Idk it feels like I’m believing it completely and before I would be able to bounce back from this and think ‘no I am a good person’ or I would find reasons to feel like ‘of course I’m not like that but now it just feels like I’m imagining these thoughts and I’m not bothered as much about stopping thinking about it and at the same time feeling genuinely confused and the doubt is really strong but like I don’t feel bad about it?

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Brooke cookie The thought is really bad but I’m causally just replaying it in my head through out he day which I never use to do before like, when I was in another environment like working I would be able you forget all about this but this time this has literally followed me even into work and I’m randomly remembering and re imagining it on purpose and don’t feel anxious but a bit ago it felt like I sort of get not anxiety but an eww feeling like I don’t like it but I don’t belive that feeling and instead I’m just thinking how can I be imagining such a sick gory thought about soemone I care about randomly throughout the day multiple times like it’s nothing and I don’t even feel like ‘no I don’t want to think that or feel desperate to stop thinking it’ it’s really weird but at the same time if there was a button to take this all away I would press it instantly but I’m jsut thjnking there’s something wrong with me the thought is literally about cutting off …I don’t even want to say it but i don’t know what to do about this or how to feel why am I not desperate to forget it and trying to look for ways to convince myself I’m not bad? That’s what I use to do. I’m thinking have I changed? Am I bad now? And before I wasn’t ? Idk

Brooke cookie

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@lu22 I see ,your feeling shame for having your thoughts. I used to feel shame as I have thoughts of hurting my family . Having harm ocd lowers yourself esteem. Also feeling worried about your thoughts feeling differently or if your thoughts feel less or more distressing is normal sadly. Feeling less stressed by your thoughts and feelings stress from not feeling like your fighting your ocd is a good sign that you are starting to heal very slowly from your ocd. I know having images and thoughts of hurting others is hard and scary. Just keep working on your ocd , not feeling the need to do your mental compulsions is good . I also felt weird when I started not doing my mental compulsions and worry if that meant I liked the thoughts or something . stay strong

lu22

Date posted: 1y

@Brooke cookie I just feel like I don’t feel anything I don’t feel bad even about having the thoughts or imagining them and that’s what’s making me question I don’t even Know what I’m feeling I know that i just want to know that I’m not Like that but feel like I don’t feel bad or upset or disgusted by the thoughts I jsut don’t Even know and imagining sick thoughts on purpose without feeling anything makes me think why am I doing that there must be something wrong with me I’m literally believing I’m bad

lu22

Date posted: 24w

Harm ocd come back

Suddenly I started ruminating again but I no longer get bad anxiety over the thoughts but it feels like the ‘urges’ are still there and it’s making it seem more real that these are true. Why am I having urges without the anxiety or it’s weird like i don’t even know when im anxious maybe i got use to the feeling of being anxious but it feels too real and I get these weird thought that are like ‘imagine you was evil anyways’ or ‘imagine you want to be but your in denial’ or the worst makes it feel like you would like acting on the thoughts even if you choose not to do it and it feels really real. The thoughts are about stabbing and it felt so real and I started imaging it on purpose to ‘test’ myself but it doesn’t ever feel like I hate it enough or don’t want it like I feel numb to everything and it feels really real like I want it or do want to do it but I’m just choosing not to and it’s scary but I use to get so much anxiety over this and now nothing now it feels like I don’t even feel like I ‘hate’ it or I should know that I don’t want to do that? Instead of sitting there experimenting with the thoughts to see. I want it to feel like I don’t want it and don’t like it I constantly feel like I’m lying about not wanting this, but it’s concerning me a lot because it feels so real that I like it or want it and there was one point where it felt like it was about to happen and that I wanted it and now that’s made me think there is something wrong with me or that I want to give in to it 🙁 please I don’t belive anything I don’t even belive I am sad it feels so real that it was about to happen or I wanted it and I don’t know what to do I was fine before and suddenly I started ruminating and now this

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I really need advice harm ocd

I know we’re not meant to ask for reassurance but I’m currently not in therapy and I need help, it feels scarily real and I feel like I’m not anxious or worried over the thoughts. I had stabbing thoughts about someone I care about and I started deliberately imagining them to test myself to see if I hate it or not but instead it felt like I knew how it feels to stab someone and like the feeling of doing that physical action and I swear it is the worst thing I have ever experienced as well I had moments where it felt like It was about to happen or I keep getting this really sick ‘happy’ feeling that I want to do that and I don’t know what that is but it feels incredibly real almost like I was getting a happy feeling or wanted to do that thing and jsut wasn’t giving into it and now I’m thinking I’m actually evil and it feels like I get a pleasurable feeling over the thought of doing that and would want to do it?? Because I ‘like’ the feeling of doing it or it would ‘feel’ good I swear I really don’t know what to do it feels incredibly real I feel like I can’t even say that I’m worried or scared because I feel like I’m lying and actually want it and have evil desires I’m really concerned, I have never done anything bad in my life, I feel like what if through experimenting and imagining the thoughts to test myself I have suddenly discovered I like it because it feels extremely real that I would ‘enjoy’ or like Doing that evil thing and it’s really concerning, i don’t understand I was fine a few days ago and suddenly I’m experiencing this? Is it possible to suddenly become evil i don’t want to be evil, but what if i like it and my desire to not be evil isn’t as strong as this ‘happy feeling’ i wish I can be normal I don’t want any of this please but I swear I feel like there is something wrong with me, I think this is the worst I’ve ever felt, like it feels like I want it and would enjoy it and it’s making me feel really worried but at the same time I don’t even know if I’m worried please help I need advice

lu22

Date posted: 23w

I want to talk to someone harm ocd, really 🙁

I’m out of energy my cod feels at its worst I actually feel like I’m bad and there is something wrong with me I feel numb I can’t cry or be anxious over anything and I don’t know what to do because I don’t feel normal now it feels like I’m bad. I had this stabbing thought which I after started deliberately imaging to test myself but instead it felt like I like the feeling and know how it feels to stab someone then I was getting this feeling that I liked it wanted it or would enjoy it and it felt extremely real like i wanted it because it would feel ‘good’ I cant explain it but it suddenly felt like I enjoy or want it almost like I wanted to feel the feeling of doing that bad thing because I ‘like it’ I have no energy I can’t get over that feeling because it now felt like I actually wanted it I don’t know what is going on I’m worrying now I will actually want that to know how it is or as if I’ve discovered what evil people like or why they enjoy it and now I’m so lost and confused and I feel numb I don’t even know if I want or don’t want it and people always say with ocd they feel like they want it but they know deep down it’s against their morals or they would never do that but it literally feels like I don’t know now and it felt like a real feeling that I thought there was something good or enjoyable about doing that thing and I’m concerned I’ve had ocd for 2/3 years now and I’ve gone through crying and being upset and all the different emotions of having it and now I’m experiencing this and worried if I’ve changed and what if I’m actually evil now or have come to like evil things from imagining it and I want to talk to someone I don’t know what to do the other day it felt really real that it was about to happen and that I wanted to and I was getting this sick feeling that I was happy or liked it. Please I need advice I can’t get over this and move on because it feels like it wasn’t ocd and that feeling still happens and how can I ignore it and even if I try to ignore it I can’t because it felt real that I liked it and now it feels like there’s no going back if it felt like I actually liked it 🙁🙁

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Confused harm ocd pure ocd

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community