Panicking!

Thank you for your words, but I don't think that's going to work. I see people saying how deep down, they KNOW this isn't something they wanted, and that's how I previously was when this theme of mine first occurred but now it feels like the complete opposite. It feels like I'm enjoying this theme of OCD or that I want it to happen, I'm so convinced I want it that whenever I see people saying deep down they know they don't want this, I get scared, because I'm not feeling that. I'm not saying that. I'm not thinking that.

@Anonymous No, I completely understand. That’s how my OCD felt at one point.I really thought i was a monster that was go to kill my family, I even turn myself into the psych hospital. That was where I learned I had ocd . But i really thought I was turning in to a psychopath. Those were the darkest times of my life. I am still struggling with OCD, but I was able to take care of those thoughts and be able to have a good relationship with my family. I was real scared to be by my little sister I  kept seeing images of me killing her and it caused me great depression. I started to hangout with her anyway and eventually I stop feeling the stress from these thoughts, but it took me like a year.

@Brooke cookie Do you also struggle with the lack of a deep down feeling? I see so many people saying on here that deep down they know they don't want this, but I feel like that part of me is gone or that it's been hijacked.

@Anonymous i’ve been experiencing my OCD for a long time probably over five years. Usually I can tell when it is my OCD but every now and then I do feel that it is not OCD or worried it is that’s very common unfortunately, especially if you have the dark intrusive thoughts ocd.

@Brooke cookie It’s unfortunately common to worry that it’s secret desires you want or that you’re gonna lose control of yourself and do it

@Brooke cookie It's just so hard, because there's been days where I think I enjoy my OCD so much to a point where whenever I try finding reassurance or find some level of it. My OCD says I'm lying to myself. My emotions have been completely changed. I still get disgusted, that should be enough to tell me that I don't want this, but anytime I do get disgusted. I feel fucking sad. Fucking upset. Like no, I want this to be true, I want this to be me. It's so exhausting, because it takes over my emotions. It's felt "enjoyable" for the past week that I don't want to get rid of it. It feels like stalkholm or something, it feels like I've learned to love my abuser which in this case is OCD

@Anonymous I am sorry, I have had many nights where I cried from feelings that my ocd is a part of me. I have also felt great distress from not panicking about my ocd. I have also felt distress from worrying I like my ocd .That is very normal for ocd sadly ,it is a special fear disorder.

@Anonymous I’ve been feeling the exact same way and it makes it sm harder to remember that this isn’t me if u don’t mind me asking what does this look like for you?

@suspectedocd3!!R I don't know what it looks like for me, I felt more like I've given up or that I've been forced to by my own brain. It feels like I've been hijacked. Even as I'm writing this down, it feels like I'm manipulating people and lying. I'm so sorry you're suffering like I am, 🫂

@Anonymous Thank u sm do you have false attraction?

@Garrett Maguire That’s true you kind of have to do exposure  Response and learn to be OK with the thoughts except that they’re there .except that you can’t do anything about them just let them exist. eventually, they will not bother you anymore. They’re just kind of be there but it does take a lot of time and a lot of effort to get to that point. Just keep working on it. Maybe research how to do a response exposure you’ll get better but it’ll probably take some time.

Most likely not I would say, but remember that is reassurance seeking and not the way to go with these thoughts.

@Garrett Maguire I’m not trying to provide reassurance to OP. I just want to illustrate that as soon as OP starts to have an inner dialogue and formulate questions like “what if I am attracted to xyz”, “what if I become xyz”, “what if I actually do xyz” then they have entered the world of rumination which in an of itself is a sneaky compulsion. By identifying this OP might be able to break the OCD thought loop which can facilitate recovery.

@Hopeful$7 Apologies, hopeful S7, I mis read it as a question that bothers you,