- Date posted
- 1y
Helpless
I don't know what to do, around five months ago. I was suffering a relapse of a previous theme I had conquered, I had proven to myself that it wasn't anything I wanted, but with this current relapse. Something happened. When I relapsed, everything appeared the same. I was avoiding, seeking reassurance, etc. It wasn't until the intrusive feelings of wanting did it start to go downhill. I was so exhausted at the time these feelings started happening that I myself decided to allow myself to believe that this was something I wanted. I know I shouldn't have. It was absolutely the wrong decision. That's when everything began to change. For some reason, whenever I had these wanting feelings around my intrusive thoughts, it felt like I genuinely wanted to keep them. Anytime it felt like I liked my thoughts, it felt like I was enjoying it. However and this is where I feel like a lot of people will find me stupid, but anytime these moments occur. I'm in complete mental anguish, I'm trying to force those thoughts out of my head, I'm desperately seeking reassurance, and I avoid everything like the plague. This alone should be enough to convince me that these thoughts aren't something I want and those wanting feelings aren't real, but it's not enough. Anytime I have a really bad emotional moment, I find my brain telling me, "Stop faking." Or "Why are you crying? You want this." It just brings me so much more distress. I know I probably sound crazy, but I feel like my brain has chosen to believe my intrusive thoughts are true while I myself am refusing it. I'm so scared. Anytime I find myself typing a post in hopes of people relating or giving me advice, I find myself feeling disappointed or saddened that everything I'm experiencing is a part of an illness. Please can someone just give me advice?