Feelings

It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.

Its weird but its true. I try to notice emotions and not feed it but when I try the not feeding it part I feed it more. And i get angry cause it feels like its automatic cause I try to stop it but it gets worse. I say to myself stop feeding it then that gets triggered and now im in a cycle trying to tell myself not to feed the emotion. It was the same today with anger. I told myself to leave it alone and then more anger came and i told myself not to feed it and then more came, and it took my focus. I understand that its normal that it gets stronger but for me it goes to the depressive way where the thoughts are so dark that it takes away my focus... It gets me more triggered. What can I do about this. Also noticing every emotion like these responses too feels exhausting cause they come and go and noticing it just makes them stay... Also I heard it helps to ask yourself kindly why do you feel this emotions, I always get lost in more pain and shame if i ask myself that

Hey guys, recently I’ve been struggling with always checking in with my emotions. And it gets very tiring right now I’m dealing with some suicidal OCD and I constantly check for negative emotions or depression. I’ve noticed it’s very hard for me to stop checking my emotions cause it’s something I’m used to doing because I have mental illness. Any advice on how to stop checking. Thanks 🙏