Does anyone suffer with existential ocd? I don’t hear voices, but I trip out on when I read or write things of the subconscious voice that is happening. I’ve experienced severe anxiety and have suffered for years over this.

Hey guys so I’m new here and just recently started struggling with some health ocd and thinking I had a brain tumor but it’s taken a turn for the worse and become this existential ocd where I’m questioning quite literally everything in my life, the purpose of being here and stuff. I just started meds yesterday, which is scary for me cause I’ve never been on them before. I keep having thoughts like, why does everything feel like a blur, what’s the meaning of this and I wake up every day with just existential dread. I’ve been having very vivid dreams that make dreaming and reality confusing I also am scared cause I’m dealing with some DP/DR as well. I just wish my life could go back to a few months ago before I knew all of this was possible. I guess I’m just writing this too get it off my chest and see if any of you all have gone through something similar and made it out okay?

My OCD diagnosis is still very new, but now that I know what it is, it is clearly something I’ve had for as long as I can remember. Contamination/bugs and health have been a consistent theme since childhood, but religious/existential themes emerged during adolescence. Around that same time, there was also a good deal of trauma, and during middle school I started experiencing hallucinations. Tactile (like bugs crawling on me or biting me, an eyelash being stuck in my eye, but nothing was really there); visual (like moving shadows or things that would dart past in my periphery, and then I would just have intrusive thoughts of scary things around corners or under things); and auditory (an angry male voice that grumbles or yells indistinctly, or a high pitched noise like a microphone/speaker feedback but muffled and less sharp). Because of the religious denomination I grew up in, I initially assumed these were demons and tried to address it that way, but when I was 14 or 15, it occurred to me that those voices/sounds sounded like the way I felt, and the visual/tactile experiences happened during times of stress too — and so all of those experiences could just be seen as an expression of a fragmented part of myself. That acceptance didn’t make them go away — I still experience them now and I’m in my 30s — but it made those experiences less scary and more manageable. I also see now how these all pop up specifically when OCD obsessions are super triggered and when I’m super sleep deprived. Anyway! Since this diagnosis, and talking about the hallucinations at all, are new to me, I am wondering who else has had similar experiences. I don’t really know how much of the hallucination experience is OCD versus trauma, but it seems like this might all make sense under the “quasi-hallucination” label.

Hello lovely community, I’m curious if anyone else has dealt with existential OCD, especially with a fear of life having no meaning. My biggest compulsion is doing something meaningful and checking if I feel different, like happy or elated or fulfilled, which usually leads me to feel the opposite. How do I prevent compulsions that are so automatic? Even if I’m just making jokes or hanging out with friends, I’ll automatically check how I’m feeling. I worry often that my OCD will get “worse” and become unmanageable. I’ll often check my emotions or thoughts or feelings to see how my OCD is in that moment, to see if its getting worse or better, which leads me to constantly be on high alert and very aware of my thoughts and feelings. I’ll also avoid doing things I love or overindulge to check my emotions. Any advice would be appreciated :)