- Date posted
- 1y
CPTSD and OCD
I am terrified of posting this but am doing it as part of an exposure. This post will contain mentions of grooming, csa, pedophilia, zoophilia, incest, rape, porn, and chronic guilt. I got my first computer when I was around six years old. This was the late 2000s and my parents were pretty old when they had me so I had basically no restrictions. It basically put a huge target on my head. Over the years I was groomed a lot into thinking things like pedophilia and zoophilia were okay, i dated a guy who was 18-19 when i was 9, i saw a lot of horrific porn that I am ashamed to have seen. For a long while I looked at anime porn of things like incest, rape, beastiality, etc. I finally stopped when I was around 16 but the guilt and fear I feel over it is eating me alive. I grew up in a school system that told me 14-17 is a “young adult” and so I feel like I should have known better. I also owned a fantasy werewolf/furry dildo but threw it out a while ago because I felt so much guilt. I feel no attraction to kids or animals but if I see one I get intrusive thoughts and images which heavily distress me. I am so scared of turning into a pedophile or zoophile because of what I used to look at as a kid. I know rationally that kids and teens are weird and curious, and that being groomed wasn’t my fault. But I can’t move on or forgive myself. My OCD latches onto anything it can get its hands on but this has by far been the worst. It has made me completely abstain from anything sexual out of fear and I hate myself daily because of what I’ve seen. I am currently working with an OCD therapist and a trauma therapist. They have helped a lot but I still feel so alone in this.