- Date posted
- 1y
poison oak
recently, while on a hiking and climbing trip, i came into contact with some poison oak. living in cali, this is normal. when i got home i made sure to use Tecnu, clean all the right stuff, x y z you know the drill. A few days later i start getting a pretty bad rash on my ankle. After a day or two it had spread to large portions of both of my ankles, and even up my legs. This was the beginning of hell. For the past week or so i have been in a constant state of needing to itch, NEEDING. so bad it hurts and i actually physically cannot stop myself from scratching. Which of course makes it worse. I have been dealing with very very bad OCD for my entire life, and for the most part, have been good about my routines, what i need to do, dealing with thoughts and intrusions, but this brought it to a whole new level tonight, when i broke down crying after my father brought my phone into my room. i had left it in the bathroom after my shower, and had gone and done my other stuff, cleaning off surfaces, getting dressed, on this occasion changing my sheets because the old set had been giving me new spots of poison oak on my arms. It was late (for me), i had just had a VERY eventful evening, most of it bad, and i was tired. Thats one thing i didn't realize for a long time is how tired my OCD makes me. It is so draining to worry and to clean and to criticise myself and every last one of these things. I had just put on my new sheets, i was tired but finally okay with everything. Suddenly my dad bangs on the door, pissed. Turns out my alarm to go to bed had been going off and he heard it and it pissed him off. In an attempt to not raise anymore questions i just grabbed it from him and closed the door, apologizing. I stood there for a minute, feeling the germs from my phone seeping into my hands before i tossed it on the ground and furiously covered my hands in hand sanitizer. i sat down on my bed and out of no where started crying. I don't cry often. I am a 17 year old guy. i don't want to play into stereotypes but i really don't cry. even when im sad i just sit with it. i've never been good at it, i cry completely silently, even if its sobs. But i eventually laid back and just cried. i couldn't stop crying. i kept repeating i was so tired and i couldn't do it anymore. After a while i finally got myself up. I went along with my night, and it took so long. I can't describe to you how goddamn tiring it is. I just want to go to bed, but my bedside table is touching my bed, which is where my old sheets were, my charging cable by my bed has touched my old sheets, so it must be cleaning. My feet are disgusting from walking only from my bathroom to my room, i touched one little thing and now i have to coat my hand in hand sanitizer that is rapidly depleting because i use it so much. i can't touch any of my old water cups because i touched them when my hands had been in my old sheets, my phone is absolutely nasty from today, the bottle of calamine lotion i use on my poison oak was touched when my hands were gross, god the list goes on. I am so tired. i just want to sleep. sorry for such a long post, i am just so tired of not talking about it all. Have a good night Dan