I've had my OCD for so long that the intrusive thoughts have begun to feel like they are who I am and anytime I try getting over them, it's so painful, and it makes me feel like I don't know who I am anymore
I promise you are more than your thoughts. I'm so sorry you feel this way! You know who you are because you can tell that they are intrusive thoughts which is a beautiful sign. Something that truly helped me was allowing the thoughts to just flow and not try to attach meaning to them. I know this is SO much more easier said than done, but if you can accept that there is YOU and your THOUGHTS as separate entities, I believe it will help. Like any sickness, it feels terrible and awful and gross but that doesn't mean YOU are terrible and awful and gross. You are afflicted with something you don't deserve, but it never changes who you are at your core. No matter how awful you may feel from time to time, you will always remain. Even if it sometimes is beneath a fog! We're here for you ❤️
Thank you so much for your message, it's managed to comfort me, but I guess what's really been bothering me is that it feels REAL. Like I actually do want to change into a bad person. Anytime I reassure myself or try to prove to myself that this isn't something I want, it feels wrong, like this is who I am now. I know why its happening, but it's like there's a part of me that does want this to happen even though I was on the verge of a panic attack. I know feelings lie, but anytime I'm reassured of who I am, it feels wrong or a lie. I don't know what to do
@June1121 THIS 🫶🏻🙌🏻
@Anonymous I COMPLETELY understand. It is similar to Pedophilia OCD when it feels like maybe I like it and I'm converting into a monster and there's nothing I can do to stop it. But I'd like to tell you two things: 1) Your fear is an indicator that the true you, the true and wonderful you, is there; and it will always be. 2) Fear, while helpful as an indicator that you're you, is a huge fucking LIAR. Fear will lie to you about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING even if it doesn't pertain to OCD. I know this may be hard, but try putting your fists down. Let the fear in, let the worry and doubt that you're changing into something just wash over you. Sit in it like a pool. It may feel like you're drowning for a time, but then you realize you are BREATHING. You are OK. Don't fight, don't exhaust yourself, don't look for answers. Right now, right here in this moment, you have everything you need inside the heart that beats in your chest. Let the fear sit there. Invite it in. I swear one day it won't feel like an enemy anymore. ❤️
@Ms. Hellfire Ty so much :)
@June1121 But it feels like it's the real and right thing compared to how I was originally thinking, I'm scared
@Anonymous And it's ok to be scared. Be scared. Just allow it to be. The real and right thing is what you DO. Your actions. Not what you think. Remember- you aren't your thoughts. Your feelings can't be trusted in these moments either. Just be. Notice your breath, what you're doing, how you walk, the birds outside; watch it all. You are your actions.
@June1121 I don't wanna do this
@June1121 I'm so scared, I don't wanna be this type of person. I never wanted to be
@Anonymous You're just you. We all are. And we are who we choose to be :) Just be. Breathe. Just be. I promise you can do this. We are here for you.
@June1121 I want someone to hold me
@Anonymous https://youtu.be/XkkxNN4SSO4?si=4kXSkmnktl6g_Usu :)
@June1121 Thank you ❤️
your thoughts are Not you. if you felt this way, you wouldn’t feel so conflicted about it. OCD begs to be noticed and taken seriously. Remember that having a thought is not the same as acting on a thought, and it is not the same as having that feeling.
@maddie2000 Super well said.
Lately, I have been able to manage my OCD thoughts kind of. They’re still there but I kind of push them away? I know that pushing them away doesn’t help but it’s been my only way to survive. I get scared often about things like clothes or my voice or how I present myself. I get scared that I want to dress differently or act differently and it scares me. I know for a fact I don’t want boobs or anything like that, but my mind constantly is like “What if?” and it kills me. It has ruined everything for me. Sometimes I can’t even look in the mirror because I get scared that I won’t like what I see. I’ve also been afraid because I find myself relating to many female characters, or I want to act like them. Like Pearl from Steven Universe. I want to be graceful and elegant like her, but I don’t want to be a girl you know? My mind constantly pushes these thoughts of what if and images. Because I am not like most guys. Which I know is okay. It just freaks me out. It makes me question every aspect of my being. I know who I am, but I know that the only way to move forward is to accept that maybe I don’t.. It’s just a lot.
I've gotten diagnosed with OCD and I'm in therapy. But I'm worried that I don't have OCD/that I got misdiagnosed. And recently I'm worried that I've just gotten myself into a habit of thinking of dirty minded or just plain old terrible things after I see/hear certain things because I feel like I need to prove I have OCD or else I'm faking(sometimes this goes away). Or that I'm just mimicking symptoms of ocd to cope with real problems I may have and that im just really deep into denial. I don't know...I'm just so tired. I mean, what if I really am what I think I am and this is my brains only way of coping? I don't even really feel anything towards most of the thoughts anymore either I just know they go against my values and I don't want them. I don't know if that's because I'm so mentally exhausted, I just don't care, or that the thoughts are true and I'm comfortable with them.
So, I know my capacity to get fixated on things. And it's normally something that's relatively remote but, my latest issue is really getting to me and I was wondering if people have any advice. I'm avoiding getting too into specifics, as I don't want this to get reassurance-y but, in essence.. I came to the realisation recently that people who I'd been "friends" (feels like the wrong term now) when I was younger were not very nice people, and normalized a lot of very unpleasant behaviour towards other members of the group. They really normalized it, sold themselves as figures of authority, as older and more responsible and grown-up than others, and looking back, they acted horribly. And coming to this realisation, that I'd been manipulated into just accepting their behaviour has just... broken me. My OCD has latched onto it and I can't stop feeling irreversibly tainted by it. I've talked to others about it, and they've reassured me, told me it's not a big deal and that I hold myself to too high a standard, but none of that sticks. I feel better for a bit, then think 'Maybe when you told them you were skewing it to make yourself look better' or 'Did you leave out a crucial detail'. I keep ruminating over and over, trying to remember exactly how everything played out, trying to figure out if I fed into the behaviour, if I did something bad myself (because y'know, I feel like I was accepting of it at the time, so what does it say about my own values?). I know I need to stop doing all this if I want to improve, but then some part of me keeps saying 'So, you're just going to let yourself off the hook then?' Normally, I can rationalize my own fears to some degree, assure myself something won't happen, but the realness of the situation, and the fact I only came to understand the reality of it because the thought had been bothering me means it feels so much more all-encompassing. I know confessing in itself is a compulsion, but I keep feeling that if I'm not I'm somehow concealing what I 'really am' from others around me, and any positive interactions are me deceiving them in some way. I feel like I can't enjoy anything in life right now, and a good part of me feels I should not enjoy it ever again. If anybody has any advice on it, I'm all ears. Or even hearing if you relate to these feelings, I might appreciate the solidarity at least.
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