Religious OCD and Unwanted Thoughts

@Tea and Honey Thank you! Honestly I had such an awful thought about Jesus & the Cross which I felt like “I could’ve stopped” or “was me thinking it” it broke me. I’m still trying to recover from it. I pray they don’t leave but I’m not going to keep praying that because He said I will NEVER leave you nor forsake you! Literally when I got saved it was the happiness couple months of my life before my OCD hit me. I love them so much and yea this OCD attacks me with making me feel awful. I get what you mean. Someone said this isn’t a Faith problem it’s an OCD problem. Which is obviously hard to see when I’m in OCD mode because I “feel” like it’s me. I try to tell myself He understands when I don’t understand! Even tho I had that AWFUL thought I told you about I told myself “would I ever say that out loud?” Heck NO!! It’s hard not to feel shame & guilt for these thoughts because like i said sometimes I feel like I could’ve stopped it or have not had that thought or what IF I thought that. I try to remind myself He loves me NO matter what! I just hate these awful blasphemous thoughts. I’m trying to take the steps to separate myself! I try to remind myself OCD attacks what you value & love. I had horrible health OCD but about 2 years later that’s when I truly wanted to love for God so I think my OCD has moved onto my most important thing. How can I separate myself from it? How can I recover especially having such heartbreaking awful intrusive thoughts. That’s the hardest part is separating yourself because it sounds like you and you feel the anxiety and fear over these thoughts.

@Cammy123 I hear you. I have gone through countless of these “episodes” where I feel like I should have stopped myself or I should have done something different or I “gave in” and then was responsible for losing my salvation (because of blasphemy or selling my soul, etc.). The “episodes“ take different amounts of time to recover. When I first started, it might take two weeks to recover from an episode. Now it can take a few hours to a day. Every once in a while, a bad episode will take several days to recover. I am actually in the middle on one of these longer ones right now. I used to think that I had to hold back the thoughts too. This was when the OCD the most miserable. That’s why I want to help you so much. I want to free you from that. I’ll give you an example. One day, my daughter was practicing piano (she was three), and I didn’t prevent myself from thinking a thought that I would sell my soul in order but her to be successful. I felt the thought coming on. And then, in the moment because I was so angry at my daughter’s resistance to practice, I said the words in my head of the thought. I was devastated by the episode and probably wound up curled up in bed for a few days. In fact, if God himself didn’t show up and pull me out, it would have taken years (if ever) for me to recover. Here’s the thing. I wish I knew then what I know now. I know now that IT DOESN’T MATTER IF I THOUGHT THAT THOUGHT. The thoughts are meaningless. I was so trapped by feeling like I had to stop the thoughts. I was so guilty when I didn’t. It was horrible. That way to freedom is often through ERP. The therapist will train you to allow yourself to think the nasty thoughts. (In fact, over time, you would want to practice thinking the thoughts on purpose.) This causes great anxiety, it’s true. But the more you practice letting the thoughts run through your head, the easier it gets. The more you practice recovering from “episodes”, the easier it gets. The TRUTH is that God will not leave you. The TRUTH is that God is not disappointed in you. And you don’t have to tell him what you really think, and you don’t have to prove anything to God or explain anything to him. The gremlin who sits on your shoulder is your “thorn in the flesh”, at least for right now. He is going to pump in thoughts into your head. There’s nothing you can do about that. Don’t try to fight those thoughts off. Just let them be. When you have stronger episodes, like your thought about Jesus and the cross—and it makes you feel awful—then you are in good company. I have episodes all the time (but they have gotten less frequent). God’s promises don’t change because of OCD. When I have episodes, I try to think more about the TRUTH. I have to believe that truth without understanding at all, because my brain makes the OCD seem real. It really is walking by faith, not by sight. But you can practice holding onto faith and truth when the episodes come up, even if your mind and soul and emotions are upset.

@Tea and Honey I’m so sorry you went through that! I couldn’t even image! I’m trying really hard to separate myself from those thoughts. Last night was hard and a bit this morning. My mind was freaking out and I felt lost, scared and so sad. Then my mind went on a rampage of is God & Jesus still with me? Do they love me? Do I still have the holy spirit? I want them in my heart and life forever! But I’m trying not to trust my feelings because they will lie! Last night they kept making me think and feel what if God left me but I know it’s a lie! I’ve been through this before. I’m trying SO hard to remind myself of His promises! It’s just hard when your in OCD mode! Also the guilt & shame. I feel stuck currently. I know I don’t need to ask for forgiveness 50 times. The one was enough lol but I know now I need to forgive myself but it’s hard. I still feel the what IFs of are they with me? Am I saved? Do they love me still? But I’m trying to remember the truth! It’s like the fear and anxiety block out logic! Yess I’ve heard the thorn in the flesh. I’m trying hard not to fight them! I pray to get through this. Especially to feel like myself again!

@Tea and Honey Like sometimes I feel like it’s “me”. I see a lot of people say you need to separate yourself from the thoughts. Like it’s a bully and not you. It’s just hard to know it’s not me when it sounds like me and I feel it but I know that’s what all thoughts sound like. I try to remind myself the fact that I’m always asking for forgiveness and always talking to God & Jesus in my head I know it isn’t me but it’s hard to separate myself when you’re constantly being bombarded by them. They make me want to cry. They sometimes make me numb. Literally the other day I was thinking how precious Jesus is and then today it’s like my mind and feelings just have negative feelings and it bothers me a lot. I don’t want negative feelings then my mind starts to question hmm why am I having these feelings? Does it mean x y and z? I’m trying to learn self compassion but it’s SO weird when you have been hard on yourself for like a week straight!

@Tea and Honey Hey! I’m sorry I didn’t even realize I had a notification! I’m so scared! I was thinking about OCD themes and it was the praying to Satan one and I was scared that I did that in my mind. Then I read a post about how someone accidentally said how they asked Satan into there heart and now it’s like my mind is making me think did I do that? Did I say that?! I’m literally crying my eyes out right now and asked for forgiveness for even having the thought which I know I shouldn’t and I’m trying to NOT dig into it! Like I told myself you didn’t and move on but it’s like my mind is making me doubt and think what if I asked him into my heart what if I’ve said that out loud?! Then the thoughts of will God forgive me? Will Jesus forgive me?! Will they still love me?! Will they still be with me?! I’m so fricking scared and freaking out. What is the best thing to do in moments like this?! Maybe it’s a hormones because Ik it can affect OCD but what has helped you in moments like these. I’m trying to tell myself that fact that I’m crying just shows this isn’t me!

@Cammy123 Don’t worry about anything. This is just OCD. It’s a typical OCD episode. It’s all okay

@Tea and Honey Thank you! Sorry just saw this! Yes I’m trying to remind myself of that! It’s like whenever I get those Satan heart thoughts my mind immediately panics like “did I think that thought on purpose?” Or “why am I having that thought?” Or urges to think it which breaks me heart it’s like an urge coming and obviously I try NOT to think it but I feel like I just keep failing and thinking it but I did hear someone say if your not afraid to think a blasphemous thought then it won’t make you afraid. I just HATE when my mind makes me doubt myself if I’m thinking those Satan heart thoughts on purpose! When I have those thoughts I always feel like I need to say “Jesus your in my heart” or “Jesus please come into my heart”. To replace those Satan thoughts. I read a book and he said this: If you are in Christ- and only a soul in Christ would be troubled at offending him- your waywardness does not threaten your place in the love of God any more than history itself can be undone. I just love them so much and I always feel so bad having those thoughts and I’m trying to tell myself it’s NOT about eliminating the thoughts it’s about NOT caring and moving forward. I’m trying to remind myself it’s like an auto thought at this point and I KNOW it’s OCD because my old blasphemous intrusive thoughts changed from more cussing thoughts to those nasty demonic Satan thoughts. Which is crazy because a month ago I wouldn’t have been scared of that type of thought! Literally my main theme is doubting and at one point it made me doubt God & Satan and literally I told myself it’s themes changing because my doubting theme is pretty much gone but more doubt about myself & His love for me! And loving me through this. I just can’t stand when my mind makes me think I’m thinking these thoughts on purpose! It’s like my mind is so scrabbled and off. I use to struggle with depersonalization because of those doubting existence thoughts but it’s totally flipped. I wasn’t even scared of S because I know how powerful God is and I’m trying to remind myself even IF I did think or or accidentally said it it’s not my heart but then my mind thinks what IF I purposely did but I think that’s another doubting trail.

@Tea and Honey Thank you! I’m trying my best! It’s just SO hard with these thoughts. It’s like the theme has changed and is pumping out so much nasty thoughts. They’re possession thoughts. Satan & heart thoughts. Sometimes it’s like a demand instead of a what IF. Like blank enter my heart or I’m blank. It’s SO scary. I want to cry! Is this a normal OCD theme? Like demonic themes? Literally 2 months ago I would’ve never had this. Tbh when I had that doubting theme it made me doubt the enemy and I wasn’t scared and tbh I was way more scared of God because I know God is so powerful! I just feel so disgusting! My thoughts are like how can I be a Christian and have those thoughts? How can I love God & Jesus and have those thoughts?! I’m trying to remind myself that OCD attacks what you love but I’m scared. Do I just ignore it?

@Tea and Honey Also the fear of accidentally saying those thoughts out loud!! Or what IF I did! It’s driving me crazy 😞

@Cammy123 Yes, EVERYTHING you are experiencing is totally normal for OCD. Yes, all those Satan thoughts are totally normal. Theme-switching is totally normal too. OCD does that. I also have the fear of saying things out loud. Lol, so I know that this is normal too. OCD is awful, but it works in the same ways with everyone. The themes tend to switch around, but it’s all just OCD. That is why you can basically treat all OCD the same, even if the thoughts switch. Yes, you should just ignore the thoughts:):):) And don’t feel bad that you have the thoughts in the first place. It’s just OCD. Don’t feel bad the thoughts are there. They don’t mean anything about you at all.

@Tea and Honey What you are experiencing is very normal. I want soooooooo much for you to get good training in ERP and good help so you don’t have to suffer so much anymore. You can get to the point where you don’t let the thoughts control your life. Instead, you live your life the way you want to. You are safe in God. We don’t feel that way when we have OCD. But it is still true. You are loved by God. I know we don’t feel like that when we have OCD. But it’s still true. The thoughts don’t mean anything about anything. They are just thoughts. I know we think they dangerous when we have OCD. But they are not dangerous. They don’t matter, so you can just ignore them.

@Tea and Honey Thank you!!! It’s just hard to get over those thoughts especially when my mind thinks I’m doing it on purpose! It’s awful. It just brings so much shame & guilt. Like it makes me feel like such an awful christian but I’m trying ti remind myself of John Bunyan, Martin Luther, you and lots of us who love God & Jesus go through these awful thoughts. Sometimes I just question why? Like are these thoughts attacking them? Attacking me? Attacking me with the opposite of who I am? Also it’s like my mind refuses to believe it’s OCD! Is that normal? It’s not understanding it’s OCD & it makes me doubt myself if it’s me. Like I’ve been so sucked into the content that I’m thinking “it’s me”. It feels wrong trying not to fix it or fight it and it’s just such an automatic habit to do. I’m trying to remember Grace & Gods love for me. Not trying to earn it. That it’s here right now. I’m remembering what you said about how God has so much compassion for me! Sometimes I feel like I have to prove or show Him it’s not me by fighting it or figuring it out. It’s so exhausting! I’m trying to remind myself the FACT that I would NEVER say this shows it’s not me but then there’s that false memory of what did I say it out loud?! What IF I did?! Will God & Jesus reject me? Will they leave me?! Just scary stuff like that.

@Tea and Honey Also how should I do ERP? Any advice on how to start? I’ve been dealing with this for a year now but especially the past 2 months with those hardcore blasphemous thoughts. What’s helped you the most?

@Cammy123 ERP can be TREMENDOUSLY helpful. I think it’s the easiest with a good therapist (one who is trained in ERP). I am not sure if people are usually successful trying ERP on their own. I feel like it’s normally not as successful on your own, but I just don’t know for sure. Going through an online course might help if you wanted to do it on your own. Nathan Peterson’s online course is awesome!!! It doesn’t talk about religious OCD quite so much, but the underlying treatment for OCD is the same for all themes anyway. He also has support groups through that too.

@Cammy123 Yes, these are all normal struggles that go along with OCD. Everyone always gets caught up worrying if the thoughts really came fun them or not—And then they feel bad about themselves as if they are a bad person. That’s the trap of OCD. That’s one of the techniques OCD uses to make people miserable. (Remember, that’s OCD’S job, to try to make people as miserable as possible! lol). But with good therapy, you will learn how to rise above those traps. (Hint: The thoughts are never from you. But even if they were, it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t matter what you think. It can be hard to let the thoughts run freely in your head because it feels so shameful in religious OCD, but actually we need a change of mindset. Obeying God is not about following OCD’s rules. Obeying God is actually found in having the faith to BREAK the rules.) I understand if you sometimes wonder why you have OCD. I can tell you that sometimes God’s choice saints have OCD. I believe that this trial can refine us and give us wisdom and give us characters in ways that nothing else can. Everything difficult refines our character. But God rewards us in the end when we go through suffering. He really does!! Good things are in store for you. The pain we experience now will only be used for our good. One example here is that when we have OCD, we have to grow in faith in ways that other people don’t. We grow in faith because we have to exercise our faith in our particular circumstances. So don’t worry!!! God has your journey in his hands. And He sees your suffering and truly cares. Don’t fall for OCD’S lies that God is disappointed in you. THAT IS TOTALLY UNTRUE! God is just as happy with you as he ever has been. If you have OCD, it doesn’t matter to God at all (except that He has compassion on your pain).

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much!!! It’s been attack after attack! I think I’m getting better then BAM intrusive thoughts. Especially those S heart ones. I’m trying your advice to most let it go and sometimes I can then sometimes I get such huge anxiety and fear. Especially the what IF I’ve said that thought out loud? Yea I’m definitely having a little numbness from crying a lot. I’m trying to remind myself God loves me right now! I don’t need to prove anything. I don’t need to fix. It’s here. But it’s like a block. Is that normal? Like I’m trying hard to tell myself and remind myself He loves me right now and forgives me. Even after horrible intrusive thoughts. Last night my mind had that enter me thought and oh my gosh I freaked out because I thought I thought that on purpose. Like my mind was like “opening” up to that thought. Is that OCD? Just trying to trick me? Trying to get me back into panic? I love them and it’s just so difficult getting through this. I don’t want those heart thoughts or enter me thoughts they freak me out. Which literally I had them 2 weeks ago and kinda brushed them off but now it’s like FULL force! I just pray God & Jesus still love me and are with me. My mind feels like a bully. Sometimes it’s like 24/7 blasphemous thoughts. Is that normal? Sometimes the thoughts have gotten so bad that I feel sick to my stomach. Or when my mind thinks I purposely wanted that thought or thought it on purpose. What helps you in a flare. Like when you’re trigger and getting thought after thought. Is it hard to remind yourself of Gods promises? Do you ever feel your excluded from it? I know I’m not because God forgives ALL. All sin and everyone who wants forgiveness but it’s like the guilt & shame are eating me up. How do I forgive myself and let this go?

@Cammy123 Thinking those thoughts 24/7 is very normal. I used to have the awful thoughts EVERY single second of the day, without ever having a break. Don’t worry about the “enter me” idea. This is just OCD trying to use a tactic that bothers you. The “enter me” idea is just the same as the “sell my soul” or the blasphemous thoughts or anything else. And you treat them all the same. When you think the “enter me” thoughts, it doesn’t matter if you think you did that on purpose or not. That’s another tactic of OCD. It wants to get you so wound up wondering if you thought that on purpose—and if the that means something bad if you thought it on purpose, etc., etc. Don’t play this game. Treat all these thoughts exactly the same. They are all OCD. So they go in the OCD garbage 🗑️ bin. You allow yourself to think them. And let them go by. When you have “episodes” that really bother you, like when you think of the “enter me” thought in a strong way, consider that an opportunity to practice faith. I have episodes often enough. I used to have several a day. But they have gotten less and less frequent. When you have an “episode,” don’t feel guilty that you should have stopped the thought. Just realize that you are practicing letting the scariest thoughts roll by you. It’s tough to go through an episode, but it’s good for us to practice. It’s a time that our faith of strengthened. Remember, when you go through an episode, don’t focus on the guilt. Don’t feed it. Don’t tell yourself that you are a terrible person for thinking that thought. You are, of course, going to experience all sorts of awful feelings—guilty feelings, fear feelings, fear that doom is coming, etc. It’s normal to experience these feelings. But you don’t have to feed them. I’ll give you an example.

@Cammy123 Having life going along and then BAM! is a hallmark of OCD. It’s so common. There are good videos about that on YouTube. Just EXPECT that this is going to be a pattern. This is how OCD likes to work.

@Cammy123 You can also expect the numbness. You can expect your feelings to shut down. You can also expect them to go all over the place. I have learned that I don’t control my feelings—and that it is OKAY if they shut down, disappear, or are negative against God. This is because the feelings are just like intrusive thoughts. They don’t matter. We can allow ourselves to experience them (even if they are bad), and they can’t hurt us at all.

@Cammy123 lol, 😀😀 feeling excluded from God’s promises is another tenant of OCD. I have had group therapy sessions where we talk about that because everyone feels that way. It’s like we believe the Scripture applies to other people and not to us. When we read the Bible, we tend to focus on verses where other people displease God and then worry if we are like them, etc., etc. Remember that OCD is a mental illness. There are certain things that go along with that. Constant doubt is part of OCD. Always feeling excluded is part of it too. When other people read the Bible, they don’t get caught up in the tangles and fears and doubts that we do.

@Cammy123 Remember that God is with you whether you feel like He is or not. This is your opportunity to practice faith. Jesus promised that he would never leave us or forsake us. Maybe you can write that verse down on a card and put it up in your bathroom or a place where you can see it. The Bible says, “We walk by faith, not by sight.” Our OCD episodes give us a chance to practice that. All our FEELINGS tell us we are going to hell and that God maybe has left us. But we can’t live our life based on our feelings. We have to live by faith. And that faith is in the Word, and the Word does not change. Think about this. Let’s say you write down the verse that says God never leaves us or forsakes us, and you put it up on your bathroom mirror. Are the words ever going to change? No! They are eternal. They are fixed. This is the same as the TRUTH. The truth is the Word. The TRUTH cannot change. It is immovable, eternal, and fixed. So every time you have an episode, you can comfort yourself with the Word (but try to do that without compulsions). Just know that the Word does not change. Are your FEELINGS going to agree? lol 😂. The answer is NO, they are DEFINITELY NOT going to agree. Your feelings are going to be all up and down and all over the place. Don’t worry about that. Stake your truth in the Word and stand there.

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much! Sorry I haven’t replied I have been doing alright but the last 3 days now then BAM awful wicked blasphemous intrusive thoughts. All the guilt & shame come rushing. Feeling cut off or not good enough or I’ve gone to far or He won’t forgive me. I just hate when they make me feel so evil. Sometimes I just wake up with this feeling and can’t “shake it off” what should I do? Recently my mind has been doubting if it’s OCD. My sister, friend who has OCD & mom told me it’s OCD. But it’s like my mind makes me question if I’m using it as an excuse. I just hate when my mind says I want these evil wicked thoughts when I don’t! Or it feels like what IF I’m opening up myself to that?! That’s such a huge fear! Does God & Jesus still love me with these awful wicked demonic thoughts? Even the ones about them? I love them so much but i just have so much guilt & shame right now 😞

@Cammy123 It’s definitely OCD that you are experiencing. Right now the OCD wants to bring up this doubt whether or not you have OCD. But that’s what OCD does. It’s called a “doubting“ disease. Therefore, the best thing we can do is to hold onto the truth and not question or ruminate, or try to figure out any more. So, in other words, you just make a decision that you are going to believe that it’s OCD, and you hold onto that no matter how much the doubt tries to shake you. When we have OCD, we can’t see very clearly ourselves. So in this case, we have to learn to trust the people around us. And the people around you are going to tell you that it’s OCD. Trust that. Hold onto that and don’t let go. OCD will teach you to hold onto TRUTH even though a storm of doubt and “what ifs” come against you. This is the same thing when it comes to worrying if God is going to leave you. The OCD will always come out of nowhere and hit you l with horrible thoughts, like the blasphemous thoughts. This is what OCD does. This is normal. The OCD wants you to feel guilt and shame, and like you are separated from God. The OCD wants you to question if God will continue to love you. But this goes back to holding onto the Word when nothing in your life makes sense. In a way, it’s “blind faith.” I understand the feelings. I understand waking up and feeling like maybe I lost my salvation and maybe everything is not OK. I understand not being able to shake the feeling off. I don’t try to fight the feelings. I have learned that I need to just go about my day and allow the feelings to chase me around. I call it “Swimming parallel“, and it is where I go about my day in a state of having bad feelings, and I don’t try to fight them off. I do try to think of the truth in a non-obsessive way. Eventually, the feelings go away. Don’t worry If you are feeling like you’re “opening yourself up” to demonic thoughts. That is just a trap of the OCD. The OCD wants you to get scared that you are responsible for controlling your reaction to the thoughts. In other words, it wants you to think that you will not be safe if you are “open to the thoughts”, but you somehow will be safe if you were “not open” to them. This is just a lie. You can’t play this game. If you play this game, you are just going to get more and more tangled up. The answer is to just allow yourself to think the thoughts. And don’t worry about whether or not you think you are open to them or not. You can even think you are open to them on purpose. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter whether or not you think thoughts — It doesn’t matter whether not you think you were open them or not. Fear of “being open” is a trap. The OCD is trying to use this trap to keep you stuck. We can talk more about this for sure if you want. I think the answer is going to come through ERP, where you practice allowing the thoughts to be in your head in whatever form they want to be. And then you have to practice blind FAITH that God still loves you, and that he will never leave you, and that you are still saved. You can practice this faith based on the unchanging Word of God. In the end, this will strengthen your faith a million times over. Not many people have to practice blind faith the way we do when we have OCD. But there is a sense that we have an opportunity to take steps of faith where other people don’t.

@Tea and Honey Yea that bothers me so fricking much! Literally I was driving and “felt” that thought coming up the enter thought and opening myself up thought and eventually thought of it and I feel so awful!! It breaks me heart! It makes me think did I allow that thought? I felt like I could’ve stopped it. It makes me feel so doomed. I don’t want God or Jesus to leave me or the Holy Spirit because of that thought! I felt like I “thought it” or I could’ve stopped it! Is that just OCD tricking me?! Am I at fault? I want to ask for forgiveness. I feel so much shame & anxiety and guilt! Its terrifying I don’t want those enemy thoughts and I just had when I feel like I’ve “allowed it” it breaks my heart. I pray they NEVER leave me because of that nasty thought! Is this OCD tricking me?!

@Tea and Honey I love them so much and just feel so evil like I could’ve stopped it. But it’s like I tried hard not to think it but then my mind doubts if I thought that on purpose and I feel so much shame & guilt. I breaks my heart. I pray He forgives me and NEVER leave me because I need them every single second of my life!

@Cammy123 Yes, that is always how it also works for me. I can “feel” the thought in the background, and I can tell that it wants to rise to the surface. I feel like I have a chance to stop the thought, but it’s also hard to stop it because there is a sort of temptation to want to go ahead and think it. However , I want to help you with a paradigm shift. It’s like in the movie “The Matrix” when Neo was not aware that he was living in the matrix. And then his eyes were opened the the “reality” that he had been living in so long wasn’t even real. Our OCD “reality” isn’t real. In the REAL reality, God does not require us to stop awful thoughts. In fact, God does not care if those thoughts are in our heads or not. Those thoughts are meaningless. In fact, those thoughts could be in our heads 24/7 and God would not be disappointed in us at all! This is because the thoughts don’t matter!! In fact, God’s path to healing means we take steps of faith AGAINST the lies of the OCD. This is very important. You have to learn to quit trying to prevent those thoughts. If you feel a thought in the background that wants to come to the surface, you go ahead and let it come to the surface — in other words, you go ahead and think it fully. Remember , God DOES NOT CARE if those OCD thoughts are in your head or not. They don’t mean anything. It was many years ago when I had constant intrusive thoughts, and they were all negative toward God. And they did not go away until I ALLOWED myself to think them, and I didn’t try to stop them or fix them. I did this as an act of trust in God, that everything would still be OK even if I did this.  A few years ago, I found out that the ERP therapy actually recommends exactly the same thing. In ERP therapy, we learn to let the thoughts come, even though they are scary. The next part of therapy is dealing with the fact that we FEEL scared after we think the thoughts. (We feel like we doomed ourselves , etc.). However, we are trained to sit through that anxiety (ride it out) until it goes down. The more you practice allowing the intrusive thoughts to come to the surface, and then practice sitting through the anxiety that inevitably will follow, the easier it will get. You are training your brain that you don’t care whether or not you have intrusive thoughts. Once your brain figures out that you don’t care, it will stop trying so hard to send you all of those thoughts (because you are not scared of them). I hear what you were saying that you were worried that God will leave you. I worry about my salvation every day—but NEEDLESSLY. lol 😂 . I have learned that the thing to do is to hold onto the truth of God‘s word, despite the fact that your brain is going to throw all sorts of doubt at you that God will leave you. Take your favorite verse, maybe the one that says “I will never leave you nor forsake you“ and write it down.  Then you can go back to it, and CHOOSE to go with the truth instead of with the doubt that is plaguing you. Believe me, OCD will throw all sorts of horrible feelings and doubts at you. But that’s OK. You are going to choose blind faith, believing his word instead.

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much! Really it does help me so much. Today has been really hard for me. Horrible blasphemous demonic intrusive thoughts 24/7. I tell the thought one thing then it flips back on me! They’re such evil thoughts and it breaks my heart. My mind always thinks will God & Jesus still love me with such evil demonic thoughts?! They rejection thoughts, cussing thoughts or just demonic. I’ll say Jesus is in my heart then it’ll slip and my brain will say S is in my heart and it freaks me out!! I’m trying not to fight back because fighting back only makes it worse! But it’s been so bad recently! Especially when my thoughts think I’m wanting them or thinking them on purpose! It breaks my heart I feel like my brain is so broken! Definitely the fear of accidentally saying them out loud but I know I’m super flared. In that OCD mode even tho you know OCD makes you doubt it’s OCD. This is torment but it’s so hard not to ingage. Yesterday was better! It was a lot better but it’s like today I crashed and have been having these thoughts 24/7 it just makes you think you’re purposely thinking them or wanting them because I “should” be able to “stop them”. Like stop the thoughts! It’s like I’m trying to understand how to NOT assign meaning to them. It’s just so scared. It’s like demands and I’m happy you told me they can sound like that because my mind has those demands and that’s when it “feels” like you. It bothers me so much I’m trying but feel so stuck.

@Cammy123 I want to reassure you. Jesus will always love you, no matter if the thoughts are there or not. I know it’s a battle to feel like God still loves us, despite all this. But it’s the TRUTH. God does love us. He doesn’t care if the thoughts are there or not—because none of them mean anything, even if they seem scary. In fact, God has so much COMPASSION on you because you are suffering with the thoughts. So you don’t have to be heartbroken over the thoughts. Like I said, they don’t mean anything. But you could have compassion on yourself (like God does) because this is a hard experience. Remember, you need a paradigm shift. You don’t have to mourn the thoughts because it doesn’t matter if you think them or not, and God does not care if you think them. I think the biggest step you need to take next is to understand that it doesn’t matter if you think you thought the thoughts on purpose or not. This idea that you are only safe if you didn’t think the thoughts “on purpose” brings a FEAR to everything. And that fear is going to make all the thoughts worse (and louder). You want to get to the point where you can just let the thoughts run in the background while you go about your life. You don’t try to stop the thoughts. But you stop responding emotionally to them. However, it will be hard to do this when you have so much fear. That is why you have to buy into the idea that you don’t need to worry about whether or not you thought the thoughts on purpose. It’s okay that you feel stuck. You are in a journey with God to overcome this. And it is going to take TIME. Often, it takes a very long time. So don’t be discouraged if things don’t fall into place right away. To be honest, I have continued to fail to implement some key things for years and YEARS, even though I keep trying. Just like you were saying, you’ll have good days and bad days. Sometimes bad days come completely out of the blue. That is all normal and nothing to worry about. I really really think a therapist could help you. Especially if you get a good one. Therapists now seem to understand OCD somewhat inside and out. It has different themes, but it essentially works the same way on all people. They are familiar with all these places where we get stuck, and they can help us jump over those obstacles that we can’t figure out. Big hugs. You are doing a good job!!! All the awful thoughts 24/7 are 100% normal for OCD. You are living out the classic OCD symptoms. Hang in there!

@Tea and Honey Remember, don’t worry whether you thought the thoughts “on purpose” or not. The fear of thinking them on purpose is OCD’s trap to get you to think that your thoughts are somehow dangerous (or that your thoughts matter). But your thoughts don’t matter, whether you think them on purpose or not. This is the biggest lie the OCD is telling you, and if you can be free from that, you will be doing A LOT better. I think the first step to doing this is through ERP. You have to learn to treat the thoughts the SAME (whether they are on purpose or not). In ERP, you practice not responding to the thoughts. So the next time you have a thought that is “on purpose”, don’t respond to it. Treat it like any other intrusive thought (because it IS like any other intrusive thought). Don’t do anything about it. Just let it pass through your brain. Of course, your anxiety is going to spike when you do this. So let it spike. OCD recovery is all about MAKING CHOICES. You CHOOSE to let the thoughts pass through your head. You CHOOSE to not do anything about it. Of course, this is scary. But it gets easier and easier with practice. And all this time, you exercise FAITH that nothing bad will happen to you as you practice ERP. You have faith that God will never leave you, and that God loves you just the same. ERP is very, very hard. It often requires the support of other people. But it is the way forward!!

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much! It means a lot! I just sometimes feels like I’m thinking the thoughts on purpose but I think maybe it’s me subconsciously “looking for them” like checking if the thought is there? It feels like Tourette’s in my brain! Like it’s like BAM intrusive thoughts but it’s like I knew it was coming. Also I told you fearing if I’ve said it out loud! Sometimes I feel like subconsciously move my mouth whenever I’m battling intrusive thoughts then it makes me think did I say it out loud? Sometimes I genuinely don’t know so I feel the need to always ask for forgiveness just in case if I did say something! It’s like false memory. Is that normal? For the past couple days it’s been wrecking me. It’s like I was ok finally!!! After days but now the last 2 days harcourt 24/7 thoughts. Sometimes I’ll be saying I love Jesus then it’s like my mind mid way will say S instead of Jesus. It feels like my brain is broken. I feel like mornings are the best because I’ve been asleep so my mind hasn’t been thinking about it but sometimes mid sleep ill be checking for the intrusive thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even think I love them or pray because my mind does a lot of thought switches. It’ll turn from them to S and it does bother me. I know what you mean it just feels wrong to have such thoughts when my sister told me thoughts are just thoughts and would I ever say them out loud? I said heck no and she said then there you go it isn’t you because someone who truly means those thoughts wouldn’t care to speak them. I hate thinking them let alone ever speak them!! Yes I saved what you said about the it doesn’t matter if we think it on purpose on not it’s still just a thought. I guess my mind thinks because I’m thinking it, it means I’m doing it or what IF I do mean? What IF I did think it? Or what IF having these thoughts mean I don’t have the Holy Spirit?! But I think then what’s in me that has the desire of wanting to love God & Jesus! To follow them? To keep fighting? I believe it’s Him & the Holy Spirit! Even tho my mind will doubt it. I’ve been responding so emotionally to them and taking responsibility that it’s definitely hard to not react. It’s like as I’m typing I’ll have a thought saying praise blank then I’ll say praise Jesus! It’s like it comes out of now where. I saw a person say when you have an intrusive thought then say your true thought that then you’ll have 5 new thoughts then you speak back to those thoughts then 10 more thoughts come! It’s like never ending! I definitely think I might need a therapist. It’s crazy because a month ago I wasn’t scared of devil thoughts & tbh wasn’t scared of Him. I’ve always been more scared of God! But it’s like those doubting thoughts & themes switched to those devil thoughts! Now it really freaks me out. Especially if I’ve accidentally said them out loud. I try to remind myself EVEN if I did accidentally say it out loud which would be an ACCIDENT! I believe He forgives even tho like I said sometimes I feel like it applies to everyone but me. Thank you for reminding me Jesus loves me & God! It just feel so gross with these thoughts & it makes me think how can they love me with these awful thoughts about them & devil. Someone said the reason why we get these thoughts is because we love them & that’s why OCD attacks. It doesn’t attack things you don’t love. It just OCD makes you doubt your love and values because of the thoughts. I try to remind myself even if I don’t understand what’s going on Jesus & God does. I think I would NEVER say them so why am I beating myself up? But then my mind is like as a Christian this is unacceptable to have these thoughts! Sometimes when I get those devil heart thoughts or rejecting Jesus thoughts my mind thinks since I’ve thought it means I’ve said it and I “did it” which I would never!!! If I could i would remove these thoughts from my head! But then OCD goes well would you really? Or maybe this isn’t OCD & maybe your thinking it. Especially those demanding those. The ones I told you about that’s when it doesn’t feel like OCD because it’s demanding. If that makes sense?

@Cammy123 Yep, yep, yep. I understand ALL of this. This is classic, classic OCD. The mind-switching is a classic OCD tactic. It happens all the time. Don’t let it distress you. Just let yourself think the S thought. It doesn’t matter if your mind switches. The worry about talking outloud—I have that too!! That happens to me somewhat often. The false memory thing I am sure is normal too. The thoughts coming out of nowhere—like Bam 💥! Yes, that is SO normal. That is definitely another tactic of OCD. Feeling like your brain has tourettes and checking—yep!! That’s classic OCD too. I hear you on ALL of this. The thoughts don’t matter. If your brain tells you “What if?” “What if”, just know that the OCD is ALWAYS going to say “What if” and always bring you doubt. It’s called the “doubting disease”!!!! It’s hard, but with time you will learn to work through those doubts. :):) Yes!! Getting a therapist might possibly make a HUGE difference. They can help coach you in these principles on ERP. It’s okay if your themes of OCD switch around. OCD does that. Even if you were not worried about the devil before, OCD will switch things up and throw new stuff at you. So you can expect that to happen. It’s a common trick. I have had the same thing with your thoughts of S entering your heart. (For be, it’s my thoughts of selling my soul.) Remember, just because you thought it does not mean you did it!! You have to allow yourself to think those thoughts. It’s okay. The fear that you can cause something super bad to happen just by thinking a thought is a trap of OCD. It will torture you. But we are not required to fight off these thoughts. Instead, we can just let them be in our heads. Can you remind me about the demanding thoughts? I am not sure if I understand this. You got this, my friend!!! You are going to get past all these things!!

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much! Really you make me feel so seen! I always think something is wrong with me but its just OCD. With the demand thoughts it’s like thinking “blank enter my heart or I am blank” or “blank is my Savior” or “blank is Lord” but its NOT the good one! I’m always feeling like I need to replace it or fix it with Jesus because I want it to be Jesus NOT the enemy S. It bothers me! Makes me think I’m purposely thinking it or saying it which I would NEVER say it out loud because I don’t believe that nor want but it’s like my mind constantly has been having those demand thoughts. I love God & Jesus but it’s just hard having these awful thoughts. I don’t want the thoughts and I wish they would go away but I know the harder I try the worse they get.

@Cammy123 Okay, I TOTALLY understand the demand thoughts. Yep, yep, yep! This is a common OCD trick. You are SO not alone. There really is nothing wrong with you at all. This is just OCD. Okay, so you have to realize that these demand thoughts are just OCD like anything else. They are not special or different. They are just very typical intrusive , OCD thoughts. So you have to treat them like any other OCD thought. They don’t get more weight or importance. You can learn to ALLOW your mind to switch and say “S, you are my savior.” This is scary and uncomfortable. But being uncomfortable is actually the way to healing. While you are uncomfortable, you exercise faith that God will not leave you. In fact, while you do this (which is ERP therapy), God is actually by your side, cheering you on. He wants you to take steps of faith to defeat OCD’S traps. When we have OCD, we always take a wrong view of God and his will. We think we are SERVING God though trying to control our thoughts and by following the OCD rules. But we are not. God does not require us to be miserable following minute, impossible rules. He wants us to be free. And that takes faith. God is happier when we take steps of faith that are scary but require trust in Him than when we scrabble and strive and kill ourselves over following tiny, obsessive rules. (We were never meant to live life in that kind of cage.) :):):) One more thing. You have to be careful about trying to “fix” The sentences in your head. Fixing them is actually defined as a compulsion. And you don’t want to start doing compulsions. They just grow. I had the same type of compulsion. Whenever blasphemous sentences would enter my mind, I thought I had to put a “NOT” after each one (so that the sentence would be canceled out). I didn’t know this was a compulsion until a few years ago! At the time, I thought I was responsible for keeping myself safe (which is so untrue!). The sentences in my head did not go away until I was willing to stop doing the compulsions. The compulsions just feed the fear that your thoughts need to be guarded and protected and fixed. They don’t. So it’s very important that we try to conquer our compulsions. 💙💙😀😀. Yes, this is all just OCD trying different tactics to get you to listen to it. It’s your job to stop playing its games, and stop listening to it—no matter what it says. :):):)

@Tea and Honey Thank you so much for answering me! Sorry for the delay reply! My vacation is over! It’s crazy I was feeling like myself about a week ago for 3 days! I felt the most like myself but still ignoring the thoughts here and there. Now it’s like it’s come back FULL forth! Especially those S savior thoughts! It’s like sometimes I feel like I’m fighting back with it ALL day. Sometimes my mind thinks I’m saying it on purpose which I would never want to do that. Especially recently the false memory it’s kicking up and my mind thinks I’m saying these awful blasphemous thoughts out loud! That S savior too and it scares me! It makes me think does God & Jesus love me with these thoughts? What IF I’ve said it out loud? Will they forgive me? I wanted to ask for advice on flare ups especially when it feels like they come back harder. Ik whenever that savior thoughts comes I say Jesus is my savior but then my mind throws back the S one 5 times more! I fell horrible having these thoughts! I feel hormonal due to my late period a bit so idk if that’s causes my emotions to go all whack. How can I get back up during flare ups? Also other disgusting thoughts & themes try to show up. How can I move forward?

@Cammy123 Going up and down is normal. Periods of doing better and then having flare ups is normal too. Going on trips, changes in your life, changes in your stress level, hormones and periods—these are all things that can greatly affect the OCD and make it go up and down. In fact, periods are notorious for affecting anxiety and OCD. It’s okay to be in a flare up. It’s no different than when you are not in a flare up. You are equally safe with God and equally loved by God no matter if the OCD is easier or harder. I am so sorry you are fighting so much and suffering so much. I think the real key for you is to stop fighting. This can be done with trust in God that you can let the thoughts “be” in your head without trying to fight them off or fix them. If you try to “ fix”the thoughts, by replacing them or anything else, that is actually a compulsion. And the compulsions just create loops that get stronger and stronger. I think the best way forward for you is probably ERP therapy. In therapy, you can break down what the OCD thoughts are and how to move on with your life (even though they are there). I think therapy will help with ALL the struggles you are dealing with (since they are classic OCD symptoms). You need a therapist who is trained in ERP. I recommend NOCD. They are also online, so it’s easy. And they text you back and forth, so you always have support. Some therapists are better than others, but they are all trained in ERP at NOCD. Some therapists outside of NOCD don’t have that training. I don’t recommend you see someone without it. Deep breath. Just remember: God’s love toward us does not change when we experience OCD (which is a disease we suffer with, and is not our fault). In fact, God’s compassion toward you INCREASES when He sees you suffering like that.

@Cammy123 Remember, it doesn’t matter if you are having S thoughts or any other kind of thoughts. People with HOCD have thoughts of killing people. Other people might have sexually violent thoughts. People with POCD have pedophilia-like thoughts. All these thoughts go against people’s core values and what they care about. For you, since you care about God, you have thoughts against God. (Which was also true of me.) But it DOESN’T MATTER what themes the thoughts follow. It doesn’t matter what disturbing thoughts we have. It’s all just OCD thoughts. They are all just the same. They are just OCD thoughts. And we handle them the same way, no matter what they are about. You see, OCD works in essentially the same ways for everybody. But on the surface it manifests slightly differently depending on what each individual cares about. What you are experiencing is normal for a person with OCD. It’s perfectly normal. All you have to do is learn to treat it!! You have to learn what to do with the thoughts. That’s the biggest step. And then you learn how to go forward.

@Cammy123 Here’s a really good verse. God wants freedom for you (and me). Jesus says, “He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭61‬:‭1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

@Cammy123 No worries about the delay!! We are all busy in this life!! I am here for you when you need it:):) Glad you had some good days 😀😀

@Tea and Honey I know what you mean. Someone I watched said the problem isn’t the problem. So with the those S thoughts that’s not the problem. Me reacting and trying to eliminate them, fight them and fix them is the problem. But it’s hard when it attacks what I love. Especially with the false memory! When it makes me think I said that S savior thoughts that I DONT agree! Don’t believe nor would NEVER say! But it makes me think what IF I did say it? Or did I say it? Maybe I did! Or it’ll say you did! I can’t stand those demand thoughts. So that freaks me out. The fear of saying these thoughts out loud! That is scary because I guess my mind says oh if you think it it’s not as bad as saying it. Saying it means you mean it! When it’s like sometimes I feel like I have no recollection of it! But I know i would NEVER purposely say that! But then my mind says will God forgive me? Will Jesus forgive me? Will they love me still if I’ve accidentally said it? But I think okay it would have been an accident. I try to remind myself of the truth that NOTHING surprises Him! They knew my thoughts before I know them. He knew ever single thought, feeling, urge, action and word I would ever say before being born and still made me because He loves me! It’s just SO hard to see that whenever I’m being bombarded by that S thoughts over and over. It’s crazy because the cussing thought doesn’t bother me as much same with other blasphemous thoughts but that Savior thought really fricking bothers me! I don’t want that thought. I tell my mind Jesus is my lord & savior but then those demands thoughts come harder! Then on top of feeling like what IF I’ve said that thought out loud but the opposite the S savior thought?! I just feel like that’s a fear of accidentally saying that. It’s so scary! I want to get over that fear and know God says do not fear! It’s just sometimes OCD has such the wrong view of Him and makes me scared.

@Cammy123 Yes, yes, yes!!!! The problem is not the problem!! That is correct! It doesn’t matter if it’s S thoughts or sexual thoughts or harm thoughts or contamination thoughts. It doesn’t matter. The problem is not the thoughts. It is how we try to fight them and fix them. I hear you. It’s hard when you choose God first in your life, and then the OCD sends thoughts that attack God. That’s what OCD does. It will choose your greatest love. However, it’s OK. It’s okay because you are on a journey. The journey before you is to practice dealing with these thoughts correctly, which means not fighting them, or fixing them.  As you practice, it will get easier and easier. Once things get easier, the OCD will try to change things up a bit—just to try to shake you. The OCD might try slightly different tactics to make you upset. Don’t fall for that. It’s all really the same. It’s all just different forms of OCD thoughts designed to make you upset. But you treat them all the SAME and you answer them all the SAME. And the more you practice, the easier and easier things get. You are on a journey, and journeys take time.  I like what Mark DeJesus says when he says, “It takes as long as it takes.” So just keep practicing and stepping forward in your journey. It will take however long it takes. And you will get better and better. Remind yourself that you were doing a good job in learning the things you have already leaned! You have already been taking steps. And that is awesome!!!! Don’t forget to celebrate each little step you take. Baby steps are just fine in the context of OCD. Any forward progress with OCD is awesome!! Okay, so let’s get back to your specific struggles: The worry of saying things outloud, the demand thoughts, etc. When we are all tangled up, there is no way to REASON our way out. There’s no way to FIGURE out for sure if we really said anything or not. We can’t RUMINATE our way to an answer. I have found that the only answer is to trust that NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS that God will keep his promises to you. This is what I am working on currently. My Brain says, “You are going to hell because you accidentally said something out loud.“ (Yes, I also struggle with this). I have to learn to tell myself that no matter if I am worried about saying something out loud or not, the final answer is always the SAME. The final answer is that I am still saved, and that I have nothing to worry about, because God keeps his promises to me. Sometimes my brain says, “You are going to hell because you said the wrong words to someone else.” I have to learn to tell myself, “I am not going to hell because God keeps his promises to me.” The answer is sheet always the SAME because God keeps his promises. I can not try to reason or figure out why this is true. I take it by faith that it is true.  Remember: The ANSWER IS ALWAYS THE SAME. You are always saved because God keeps his promises. In your particular case, your brain might say, “What if I said something outloud? What if I gave into a demand?” You are going to give your brain the same answer every time. You are still saved. You are still loved. God keeps his promises. Don’t try to reason with an idea that you might not be forgiven. Don’t try to ruminate about whether you are going to hell now. Just give your brain the same answer, and take it by faith that it is true. With OCD, we have to give it the same answer, over and over and over again. The reason OCD is choosing the demand thoughts for you is because those particular thoughts bother you. If they didn’t bother you, OCD would choose something else. OCD is always trying to find those little spots where it can trigger us, where it can trip us up. But the larger truth is that those demand thoughts are no different than any other OCD thought. They are just the same as all the rest, and you need to treat them the same. This means you have to stop fighting, just like you said!! And it’s also very important to stop all compulsions. If If you say in your head, “No, Jesus is my Lord and savior” every time your head says S is your savior, that is a compulsion. That is a safety behavior meant to fix the thought that you didn’t like (the thought that S is your savior). Remember, you can’t give into compulsions. They will make you feel better in the short-term, but they will just keep you in the OCD loop in the long-term.  So, in summary , just remember that saying in your head, “Jesus is my Lord” is actually a compulsion to try to fix other thoughts , and we are not allowed to fix the thoughts! Try to practice not doing the compulsion as much as you can. You don’t have to be perfect about this. Compulsions are hard to break. So, being kind and gentle to yourself, and giving yourself room for failure, try to stop doing compulsions as much as you can. One last thing. Psalm 139 days that God knows every word before we say it. It says all our days were written in his book before one of them came to be. Everything has been recorded ahead of time. God is completely sovereign and in control. And he will keep his promises to you, even when we don’t understand and are all tangled up in our own minds. The ANSWER IS ALWAYS THE SAME because God is endlessly faithful. You are suffering . I am so sorry. But your journey will take you even closer to God.

@Tea and Honey Thank you that really helped me! It’s just been a struggle with feeling so much guilt and shame. I felt better last night but idk I had a little episode with false memory and that S savior thought which scared me and my mind thinks I said it out loud and idk! I’m trying to brush it off but it’s really bothering me. I’ve prayed for forgiveness just in case IF I did accidentally say that S savior thought out loud that I would NEVER purposely say it would’ve been an accident. Do you think God & Jesus still love me if I accidentally said it out loud? Will they forgive me if I said that savior thought out loud? Idk I want peace of mind but my thoughts & feelings are running everywhere! It’s like I feel like I know I didn’t say it. Like I would be more aware if I said it but it’s that feeling of idk! Idk I guess my mind thinks I’m christian and I love God & Jesus and Jesus is my lord & savior. But when my mind says tho S thoughts it makes me think how can I love them with that thought? How can they love me IF I’ve accidentally said the wrong thing out loud? Will they leave me for accidentally saying that thought because it was S instead of Jesus?! I don’t warn them to leave me! I want to be holy! I want to be good! I have a desire to love them! I want to be in heaven with them! Jesus is my Lord & Savior! I just try not to say that out loud all the time because i feel like I have to say it about 20 times to feel just right but it still feels like what IF I said Satan instead. Is that normal for OCD? Idk it’s been feeling heavy on me this morning. I’d love your advice.

@Cammy123 I am a leaving town this morning, so I’ll try to write more soon. But here is a (relatively) short answer. You could say, “S is my Savior” right now out loud. It wouldn’t mean anything at all. When we have OCD, we often engage in what is called “magical thinking.” We think if we think or say something, that it will “magically” come true. But even if I say, “S is my Savior,” that doesn’t make it true. It doesn’t magically put me in the camp of S, where I could never get out and get back to God. It doesn’t magically separate me from God. If I say, “S is my Savior,” doesn’t matter. Like I said, you could say this out loud right now. So don’t worry if you said it out loud or not. If you said it in your head or out loud, don’t worry about it. You can move on. God is NEVER going to leave you. He feels more compassion on you because you are suffering. He draws closer to you when you are hurting (and you are). Your OCD thoughts have nothing to do with your relationship with him. And God knows that. I think the end result of your journey with OCD is that you will learn in a deeper way about the character of God. In order to survive and conquer OCD, we have to learn more about God’s faithfulness than other people do. We have to learn about his unending love on a deeper level then other people do who don’t struggle. So remember, the struggle with the OCD will lead to growth in your life. It will take time. Sometimes a long time. But God will use this for good in your life.

@Tea and Honey I think it would be good for you (and I also really need this!) to spend some time learning more about the love and grace of God. When we have OCD, we really don’t understand these things. We don’t understand love and grace very well. But God will never leave us because we are struggling and hurting like this!! God’s character is so different than that!! This is a study that I really need in my life. I have been listening to a lot of Mark DeJesus.

@Tea and Honey Thank you! It just feels so wrong having that thought. Then I think what is wrong with me?! Like why am I having that thought sometimes 24/7?! But I know it’s because the thought bothers me and I wish I could eliminate it, remove it or fix it. I know I have that sticky brain that latches on to thoughts! It’s crazy because a month ago I had a hail S thought but now that thought doesn’t bother me anymore compared to the S savior thought because that one bothers me even more!! It just feels like such disrespect to Jesus and breaks my heart. Then on top thinking I’ve said it on purpose! It’s scary! But I did hear someone say it doesn’t matter if you’ve said those thoughts out loud because it’s not your heart! But then your mind is like well if i did mean it in that moment?! What if I’ve accidentally let that thought in? What if I did? Or just the demand thoughts which also bother me but haven’t been as bad! I’m trying to SO hard to remember Gods love doesn’t change because of my thoughts. Even if I’ve accidentally said them also hint with the accidentally because it would be an accident NEVER on purpose! It does bring comfort to know God & Jesus knew every thought we would have, ever word we would say, knew ever sin we would commit, knew our best days & worst days, knew our bad habits and still died for us & loved us still. I guess it’s hard to wrap my head around when recently I’ve been lacking self love and compassion. I forget it’s NOT the content! It’s not about the intrusive thought it’s about my reaction to it! I just sometimes feel so stuck. Like I can’t hear God like I use to or feel Him but I’m moving forward! I told Him even if I can’t see you, feel you, hear you or even when my mind doubts you in so many ways I’ll still hold on because I don’t want to let go. I want them in my life so bad! I just feel like my mind bully’s me into thinking how could He love me with those S savior thoughts? How could He love me when doubts are coming into my mind. Yesterday I got hit with some doubts like my old doubting theme but I brushed it off but got through it. I’m trying to NOT fix the thought or replace it or fight it but it’s such an instinct moment that it’s like I can’t stop it in time. Or I think I’m proving to God, Jesus & myself this isn’t me but even fighting it I’m like why am I having this thought? It isn’t me! Then my mind goes into the what ifs and then the Yes you are. I try to remember OCD attacks my top values & fears and obviously fear of offending God & Jesus and fear of them not wanting me or fear of being evil or something. Like the thoughts are horrible but I’m trying to remind myself it’s just thoughts! But then that’s when the false memory comes into thinking what if you’ve said it! So if you said it it means it’s real and you mean it! Which I know isn’t true! We say stuff ALL the time and sometimes in moments of hurt that we don’t mean! Obviously I would never purposefully say these things out loud! Yea Ik what you mean. I’m constantly reminding myself of Gods character and not what my OCD brain throws at me. Ik those thoughts aren’t true. I know God & Jesus would never reject me or turn away. Even if we did they don’t! I saw a quote that comforted me saying “there’s no sin bigger then God power” it was something like that! That NOTHING I do can make me “too far” from Him. From His love & Grace. I’m just trying to move forward but like I said get stuck into thinking this is a me problem or a Faith problem and forgetting it’s an OCD problem.

@Cammy123 It’s all okay. You are learning the right tools. It takes a LOT of time and practice. Just keep practicing your tools everyday. I have been practicing for years and years. I find I still have problems with trust. It’s daily practice in the OCD “gym.” But over time, things will get easier 💙💙😀😀

@Tea and Honey It really does. I’m trying but I get so lost in the content honestly. The last 4 days have been so fricking hard. Idk I’ve been doubting Gods love for me & forgiveness even tho I know He loves us no matter what. It’s been hard because I feel so stuck in a cycle. I’m trying to trust His truth & not my emotions & feelings but I feel like I’m kinda failing at that. What helps you get out of the cycle of this? Those S savior thoughts are constantly bombarded my mind & im trying so hard NOT to fight it, fix it or get rid of it which I have but still. I’m trying to take your advice on it doesn’t matter if I think it or say it out loud! It’s just a thought & words that aren’t me. I have little moments of clarity I like to call them. I had one yesterday but it’s like sometimes I’m feel so stuck & drowning in these awful thoughts & guilt, shame feelings that it’s like idk how to move forward. What’s the best day? Distraction? Ignoring even tho it’s so fricking hard! I tell myself God & Jesus love me even with those awful thoughts & that I’m loved, saved, safe & He is still with me even tho my mind will doubt it someday because the feelings are so intense.

@Cammy123 There is one thing that is common in everyone’s journey: We will work on our skills for a few days or weeks, and then get frustrated because we don’t seem to be better yet. But that’s not how it works. You have to keep practicing for a long time. Sometimes it’s months or years or even several years. How long does it take to develop Trust Muscles? Faith and trust are muscles just like anything else. They only grow when we exercise them. And the tricky thing about faith is that the only way to exercise it is to feel that we are at risk or danger— and then we take a step out where we can’t see where we are going. Imagine it is like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and he hast to cross and invisible bridge. Have you seen that movie? Indiana can’t see the bridge, and it seems that if he takes a step that he’s going to fall into the bottom of a chasm. But he takes the step anyway into apparently nothing, and he finds his foot land safely on the bridge. When we have OCD, we are doing this over and over and over again. We feel like we are in constant danger. We never have 100% certainty, even though our OCD brains crave 100% certainty. We are not actually SURE that if we take a step into “thin air” that we will be Okay. So we have to exercise and practice our trust muscles over and over and over again by taking a step over and over and over again, even when we can’t see clearly that we are going to be safe. But this is actually the nature of faith. You can read in Genesis, but also especially in Romans 4 (and Hebrews 11?) that “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.” Abraham believed that God was going to give him a son, even though he was too old, and Sarah’s womb was dead, and he had no physical evidence at all that this was possible. He truly had to live by “faith, and not by sight” (Corinthians). He waited maybe 25 years or some long amount of time (I can’t quite remember). And he still had no evidence that he would be able to have a son. But he believes the words that God said anyway. That is Faith. When we have OCD, we have to keep taking our steps, even though it seems like we are going to die and bad things are going to happen. Everything we see and feel and hear tells us we are in danger. But we are exercising faith in the words of God, even when we can’t see or understand.  But again, how long does it take to develop our trust muscles? It can take a very long time. In the words of Mark DeJesus, “It will take as long as it takes.“ For some people, it may be faster, but for me, my trust muscles are so small that it has taken years and years for me to develop them. And they are still very small, and I’m still exercising them every day. God knows how long it will take to transform us into people of greater faith. The OCD gym is more difficult than almost anything that I can think of. But it will also be used to grow your faith more than almost anything I can think of. In a way, we get to practice what it’s like to face “danger“ every day, and then exercise our faith in the face of that danger. So don’t worry if it feels like things are not changing right away. In my experience, we make progress in OCD very slowly over months and much longer. But never fear!!! You are actually growing in your faith in ways that other people will not.  And one more thing: It’s OK if you only have occasional moments of clarity. I have read a lot of Oswald Chambers. And what I learned from his devotionals is that God usually gives us a few mountaintop moments, or a few moments of clarity—and the rest of the time we are in the gray, murky valley slogging our way along. But it is our job every day to walk through the gray, murky valley IN THE LIGHT OF WHAT WE LEARNED on the mountain top.  In other words, we have to exercise and practice what we learned on our mountain top moments or our moments of clarity. Just so you know what to expect, you can expect most of your days will be spent in the fog down below in the valley. We can’t ask God to give us mountaintop moments all the time. However, in the darker place below, we are getting exercise. We are practicing walking without sight, and only with faith. In summary, there is just so much to be said for 1) daily practice 2) over a long period of time 3) walking in the light of what God has shown us on the mountain (while we are still in the foggy valley).

@Tea and Honey Watch this clip with Indiana Jones!! https://youtube.com/shorts/YWkd6z5iek0?si=QL6HNB7PHABgq3AS

@Cammy123 @Tea and Honey Watch this clip with Indiana Jones!! https://youtube.com/shorts/YWkd6z5iek0?si=QL6HNB7PHABgq3AS Posting again just in case it didn’t show up in my reply

@Tea and Honey Thank you! Yea I got it. I watched that before and I know what you mean! It’s just so scary but I’m trying to remind myself what you said even IF I did accidentally say that S savior thought out loud it doesn’t magically make me cut off. It’s an accident. But like I said I don’t think I did but honestly I don’t try to figure out if I did or not I just apologize for it and ask for forgiveness. It’s hit me so hard the last 2 days. Like feeling so unforgivien and cut off from God & Jesus. Like what if I’m not saved anymore or what if that don’t love me anymore because of these thoughts? Even if I’ve accidentally said those words. I’m trying SO hard to let go! It’s just feelings and thoughts of being unworthy or that I’m too “far” when I know I’m not. It’s just like you can’t seem to shake off those feelings. I’m trying SO hard to ignore these thoughts & feelings but it’s hard. I feel like I’m constantly messing up. Yesterday was a bit better but BAM out of nowhere I was being bombarded with thought after thought after thought. Just mess ups in my head and it was hard to ignore then my mind think what IF I’ve said them out loud. I feel like that’s the hardest part. Is ignoring and trusting. I’m trying to remind myself someone who actually wanted to say these awful thoughts wouldn’t feel bad or wouldn’t be panicking if they accidentally said it or not. That actually helped me the other day but Ik logic doesn’t work with OCD. I’m just trying that’s to remember God & Jesus love me no matter what. I just sometimes feel blinded or I’m wearing an OCD fog lens and can’t see that. Also my mind doubting it’s OCD which is so annoying! Makes me think it’s “me”.

@Cammy123 Yes, the feelings are always sticky. Every time I have episodes, I KNOW that everything is okay, but the feelings don’t know that. The bad feelings can stick around all day or longer. So don’t worry if your feelings don’t line up with the truth. Your feelings are going to go all over the place, and you can’t fight with them either. Just allow your feelings to do whatever they want, and it’s okay if they stick around. In fact, you could even say, “Hello, yucky feelings. You are welcome to stay all day. Just do whatever you want to do.” Remember, you are on the right track!!!! Deep breath! You are learning that God loves you even when your feelings say He doesn’t. What an important lesson! You are learning that you are safe and saved even with your thoughts and feelings say that you are separated from God. What an important lesson and exercise in faith in the WORD OF GOD ALONE, despite your thoughts and feelings. “Normal” people don’t get these opportunities to deepen their faith in these ways. You are doing a good job!!! Just be kind and gentle with yourself and keep taking baby steps. I’ll give an example . It’s like when a person wants to lose weight. You can’t just get on the scale the next day and wonder why it hasn’t changed. You shouldn’t even TRY to get on the scale after one day. Instead, you should give yourself weeks and months, and then maybe check the scale to see if things have changed. In a similar way, we should not be discouraged if we do not see positive changes in our OCD walk from day to day. It can take weeks or months or even years for changes to happen. So we don’t need to check to see if we are making progress all the time. In a few months, then we can look back and see if we made progress, etc. But we shouldn’t be looking for progress from day to day. 💙💙💙

@Tea and Honey Thank you. Tomorrow was the roughest day for me. Idk I feel so guilty. My mind is making me think is this OCD? Maybe it isn’t or just straight up tells me it isn’t. Yesterday ALL day my mind has been thinking I’ve been accidentally saying these thoughts or what if I’ve agreed to them. I got so fricking scared thinking what if God doesn’t love me anymore?! What if Jesus isn’t my Savior? He is tho but it’s like my brain doesn’t understand that!! I cried so hard thinking all these what ifs! Am I still saved? Have I lost my salvation for accidentally saying that S thought out loud? Is God & Jesus still with me? Does He still love me? Idk I just feel SO much guilt & shame right now. Idk how to calm myself down. I feel so doomed like I messed up bad & im not sure exactly what I did. Was it accidentally saying the thought maybe? I don’t think I said it but you know our brains? Was it IF I thought that thought on purpose? Or if I agreed to that awful blasphemous thought? Why do I feel so unworthy? Like my apologies & asking for forgiveness isn’t enough. Logically Ik this ain’t true because people have done awful things more then just having awful thoughts & IF they accidentally say something. Am I ok? Is this normal to feel scared or doomed? Idk how to get out of this. I’m super scared and I want to live to Jesus everyday but it’s like my mind says I’ve messed up or what IF that S savior came true?! I don’t want it to come true I want Jesus as my Lord & Savior & to have God & Jesus also the Holy Spirit working in my life! Am I still loved? How can I move forward & get out of this. Idk what to do & feel super stuck. I’m sorry for asking it’s just I was panicking so bad yesterday & crying thinking what do I do. I had awful thoughts that I feel like I thought or could’ve stopped it. I just feel so awful like the worst Christian of how could I be one & love them with these awful thoughts. 😞

@Cammy123 Don’t feel bad for asking. That’s how OCD works!!!! I am happy to keep processing with you. OCD takes a lot of processing. I am still processing quite a bit. But that is also how we grow. 💙 It’s okay. I understand everything you are saying. I hear you. I know what you are talking about. It’s okay. I often feel like, “Oh no, what if I lost my salvation? What if I should have tried harder to prevent something I thought or said? What if I wasn’t strong enough to stop myself from doing something that would make me lose me salvation?” And so on. I have had periods of time that were just like what you are experiencing. I just wanted to curl up in bed and never get up because I felt so much despair and worry about my salvation that I didn’t know if I would ever be okay. I’ve been where you are. It’s okay. It’s all okay. OCD makes you doubt everything. It’s called the “doubting disease” for a reason. Right now, your OCD is making you (and me!) doubt two different things. (I am going through the same thing that you are, though it’s easier for me at this point. That is because OCD attacks us In the same ways over and over). 1.) The first thing OCD gets us to doubt is this: “Is the truth is really true?” What I mean by that is this: We start to question if we can believe the Bible passages. We doubt the verses that say that God loves us and won’t leave us, for example. Now some people can go through life doubting the truth of important verses. But when we have OCD, we don’t have that luxury. We have to hold onto the fact that the Bible is true like holding onto a rope for dear life in the ocean. The OCD will always attack the truth. And the truth is God’s word. I STILL struggle with this, after so many years!!! It’s amazing how many times God has taught me to trust in the comforting truth of his promises—and yet I still doubt. What is wrong with me! lol 😂 But I am SO MUCH stronger than I used to be. Most of my days are fairly comfortable. So don’t worry that you are struggling. That’s okay. Just recognize that the OCD is attacking your trust in the TRUTH right now. So take a deep breath. Relax. And go back to the truth. God’s word says that He will never leave you. God’s word says that you are righteous and clean. Now, you get a chance to practice believing this truth even when thoughts and feelings tell you otherwise. (This is where it can be useful to write down Bible verses that comfort you.) 2.) The OCD attacks us makes us feel that our fears are real (BUT THEY ARE NOT). Your fear of the S thoughts not actually real. The fear that we could actually lose our salvation at the drop of a hat or by accident isn’t real. This are not real things. lol, I still struggle with this. It still seems like my central fear is real. But it isn’t real. It often can be easier for people on the outside to see that these fears are not real (then for us to see ourselves). For example, it’s easy for me to see that the fear of breathing in asbestos in old places is not a real fear. (At least, it’s not real in any significant sense.). But a person with an asbestos-related Health OCD might refuse to go into their old high school or an old house in the neighborhood or into an historic church. Their fears are not real. Other people can see that. But they can’t see it. ————————————- So I know that you don’t feel okay. But it’s okay. When we have OCD, we learn that it doesn’t matter how we FEEL. We learn to follow the TRUTH above our FEELINGS. Everything feels bad right now. You are practicing swimming in the ocean, and you are just barely learning how to do it. But it will get better. Just give yourself time. Don’t worry if you fail. Give yourself love and grace. It’s okay. And things will get better soon.

@Tea and Honey Imagine a parent who is looking down at a child whose foot is bleeding terribly. And the child is saying, “I’m so sorry that my foot is bleeding. I’m so sorry.” The parent doesn’t want the Cole to feel sorry. Instead, the parent has compassion on the child. The parent is most of all concerned that the child is wounded and hurting. This is how God looks at us when we have OCD. We think that these horrible thoughts are offensive to God. But the thoughts are like the bleeding. They are the result of OCD’S ATTACK on us. They are not our fault. You don’t need to feel sorry about the thoughts. They are not offensive to God. They don’t mean anything. It doesn’t matter if they are in our head or not. So, when God looks at us, he doesn’t care about the thoughts at all. But he does have compassion on us because we are suffering. Again, I want to encourage you. You don’t have to feel sad about the thoughts. But he is not upset that we have terrible thoughts in our head, because they don’t mean anything at all People with OCD get thoughts of throwing people out Windows or thought of germs, or thoughts along sexual thing , etc. It doesn’t matter what the thoughts are, because the thoughts don’t matter. So don’t worry that God is upset at the thought. He isn’t. He does, however, have compassion How do you because the OCD is making such pain for you. Every day I have negative thoughts towards God. But I don’t worry about them. I know they don’t have anything to do with my relationship with God. So I just let them be there. God is not offended by them. God does not care if they are there. So it doesn’t matter if they are there, and I just don’t worry about them.

@Tea and Honey Is it normal to like not even realize when you’re having those intrusive thoughts? Like I’ll be daydreaming or watching tv and I’ll be having these blasphemous intrusive thoughts without even realizing it!

@Cammy123 Actually, I think that is perfect. The goal in OCD therapy is to get to the point where you can have the thoughts in your head (whenever and however they want to be), but you just go about living your day like normal. So not even realizing that you have the thoughts is exactly where you want to be. You are not going to try to fix the thoughts or do anything about them anyway.

@Cammy123 The urges are just part of OCD. It’s okay. Have you seen the commercial with Howie Medell? I have been seeing that commercial so often that I have memorized it. He says, “OCD comes with unrelenting thoughts, images, and urges.” So it’s just OCD being OCD. Don’t worry about it. You will conquer it!

@Cammy123 But let’s talk more about the fact that you feel like a bad Christian. This if where OCD has got you trapped. And this is where you need to break free. The tactic of OCD is to get you to think the thoughts mean something about you and get you to feel bad about yourself. But the thoughts don’t mean anything about you. Take my friend, for example. She suffered from POCD for a long time. She is a teacher who loves kids and would never ever do anything like that. She was tortured because she thought that maybe those thoughts said something about her character. We had to talk a lot about the fact that the thoughts MEAN NOTHING about your character. Nothing at all.

@Tea and Honey It talks about how we do nothing with intrusive thoughts and how our thoughts don’t matter