Had to use toilet roll that I saw as contaminated this morning. All my other rolls were stored in places I now see as contaminated and the one that wasn’t I already saw as contaminated as I couldn’t remember whether it had fallen on the floor and I’m almost sure it was on top of the toilet. All of which are surfaces that my landladies grandchildren have most probably touched. Usually I’d have just not wiped (disgusting I know but this is what ocd does to me unfortunately) but my boyfriend is here and it was a number 2 so I kinda had to. I decided to best course of action would be to use part that’s the edge of the roll to wipe with as in my mind that would be least contaminated from the floor. I did so and then even cleaned myself afterwards with soap and warm water. But before I left the bathroom I started to stress because I realised the middle part is probably less contaminated as the rolls been used by others since it rolled on the floor so the middle part of the sections probably safest as the edge part would have all touched the toilet which was my other contamination fear. I didn’t want to wipe again incase my brain latched on to some reason that part was contaminated after I’d wiped like it just did because then I’d be stuck in the toilet for ages just endlessly wiping and look weird to my boyfriend for being in there for so long so I left. I struggled afterwards with engaging in things because my brain was stuck worrying about it, my only little relief was that I’d washed afterwards so that must have washed the germs away? I also have a suspect uti coming on I think as I constantly feel the need to pee and I felt I needed to pee again not long afterwards so I did and I couldn’t face wiping again so I was like ‘I’ve just peed so surely that’s get rid of any germs?’ it’s so frustrating because when I was younger I’d just wipe and be done with it with no worries of any children contaminating the toilet roll and now ocd has me stressed all the time about it so sometimes I just avoid it which is disgusting and annoys me but is also probably causing the utis as I get them quite a lot!! I don’t know the purpose of this post, I guess I just needed to get out my annoyance and anxiety as I can’t to my boyfriend as I don’t like to and I’ve not got therapy for a month so I just needed to get it out. This is just a dip in my journey, I’ve done so well and dips will keep coming and I’ll get over them like I always do, despite never feeling like I will at the time!

This post looks like I wrote it ha. Don't worry ur definitely not alone. I've thrown away rolls because they've fallen to the groundi guess. I also apply coverage around the seat of my own toilet. :/ I guess in the end u have to take baby steps and think about something else. Im still stuck in that part but it helps.

Such a relief to know someone’s the same! It makes me feel so crazy sometimes when really I’m not, I’m just mentally ill like several others and my minds in ocd state of not being able to rationalise and once the anxiety lessens I can start to think logically Sorry to hear you’re struggling too, always hear to talk if you ever want to

Did u tell ur bf about ur OCD. Im trying to figure out the right way to let my gf know, she only kabir the cliche portrayal but I don't want to surprise her with my irrationality ha

He knows I have ocd and I’ve explained how I really struggle with it and he’s seen me get really anxious because of it but not the nature of it and I don’t think I could tell him. Me and my therapist have talked about it loads and an old therapist tried getting me to tell my ex boyfriend all about it but I can’t see someone without ocd or without extensive knowledge of ocd understanding that I’m not a peadophile I have intrusive thoughts about it and these things I do are in reaction so i don’t become one or so I’m not one. I think also because my parents/family know about it and have done from the beginning and made it into this big bad taboo subject I don’t have faith that someone can accept me or understand it as they didn’t. I think they’re half understanding now, I think they know I’m not doing it for attention like they initially thought, they still call it all weird and get annoyed by it but I just keep a lot of it to myself or between me and my therapist. Also my auntie kept me away from my cousins initially before diagnosis which hurt because it furthered my fear that I was one and my boyfriend has a new nephew that lives with him so I don’t want that reaction again. I may not get it, he may be super understanding and I’m assuming the worst because of my fears and bad reactions before. I noticed my therapy book was out of place the other day and he’d been around and had time to look through it if he wanted to whilst I was in the shower and I have notes of intrusive thoughts and worksheets in there which goes into the nature of my ocd but he hasn’t mentioned it and there’s been no reaction that Id expect. But please don’t take my fears on yourself, if you want to tell her then you should, if she’s understanding then everything will be fine and if not then that’s too bad but you have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s annoying that I had bad reactions to something I wasnt in control of and is normal as many people suffer ocd, of the same nature as mine. I do wonder if I had had different reactions and therapy sooner would I not have had so many years of feeling so weird and low but I don’t blame my family. If you don’t have ocd or knowledge of it, it’s hard to understand. Maybe if you’re not sure on telling her, maybe educate her on proper ocd not the media ocd first so she’ll understand when you feel comfortable to tell her?