Life sucks

It doesn't feel temporary anymore

@Bwillbebetter that’s exactly how i feel, it feels like a endless cycle i just try and get myself to think that’s this is temporary, i will get better someday. you are very strong for dealing what you do deal with. if you need anyone to chat with im here and so many other people are too!!

@meowmeow My God, it's so good to know I'm not alone in this. OCD is one of the hardest things that has ever happened to me and some days it feels like it will consume me and I'm afraid of losing all the progress I've been making over the last few months, but we need to keep going, right? one day and then another, and then another. Thank you for commenting here ♡

@Bwillbebetter It’s okay to lose some progress no one is ever gonna be okay all the time it’s okay to have a off day it’s just a matter of getting out of the cycle it’s hard but we have to try !!!

@meowmeow Yes, breaking this cycle of repetitions, checking and compulsions is what's hurting me at the moment, but just as I managed to get through it at other times, I know I can do it now too. I'd rather deal with the anguish of not doing it than feed the cycle that will consume me forever.

@Bwillbebetter exactly it’s good you have that mindset!

That story is actually integral to my scrupolosity OCD, I won't get too much into it. but I had it on my wall from my mother and it had a random number 51 below it. And now that story haunts me and tortures me and I keep seeing it everywhere because my problem is I always feel evil, and feel like a horrible rotten human being for never feeding the good wolf enough. I never feel good enough and I feel like God is always judging me for feeding the evil one and judging that the evil wolf is always winning and I feel so ashamed of it. Like I'm being completely serious that story was on my wall and is Center to my whole scrupolosity theme Every time I have a mental breakdown and self harm I feel evil, and I always feel evil And afraid of demon possession and Satan. since I never ever feel good enough of course then I perpetually feel as if the evil wolf is winning and I feel like my fate is doomed towards the evil wolf and that's all my fault and I am eaten up with shame and guilt about it but with OCD i suffer a lot more than i am content, therefore evil is winning. And I have horrific blasphemous and harm thoughts , there fore evil is winning. And I never feel like I get past the fifty percent mark where there's more good than evil. There's always more evil This is the basis of most of my obsession and I am racked with guilt because I can't ever be good enough for good to win

@livingnightmarehell33 I see that number all the time at very specific moments

@livingnightmarehell33 Im sorry for triggering you that was not my intent. I can understand the feeling that you are always feeding the evil. I have been there and stuck in what felt like and endless cycle. For me what helped us reminding myself that I am human and i can only do so much and that I give grace and acceptance to others regardless of their faults I need to do the same for myself. No one showed up for me. I will show up for me. Small baby steps of doing things to better my situation. Sometimes you take steps back but as long as your intentions are to move forward and prioritize yourself things can get better. It’s not one size fits all you need to find what works for you. But if we are stuck in a cycle where things are not improving we need to shake it up and change it up because that method doesn’t work for us and what we need. Again sorry for triggering. I don’t know you but you are capable of doing anything you set your mind to and are perfectly imperfect the way you are and you may feel lost at times but don’t be discouraged. Set backs and I hate the word “failure” happen but try looking at those as opportunities to try something different.