Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

This shit is RUINING my relationship! I’m so FUCKING done with this. I think I have trans ocd but my past actions are messing with me because a couple of times in the past I said that I was trans. Like without thinking. And I’ve joked about being a boy in the past because I’m not very girly. I’m a tomboy. I’d say I was trans because I somehow thought it was cool or something. Well I’ve never hated being a girl. As a kid I was really girly like REALLY girly. I hate the thought of being trans and right now I’m going through so much anxiety. I have a boyfriend and I love him a lot but if I do turn out trans it will ruin everything. I never lay awake thinking about being a boy. I never cried or was sad because I’m a girl. I hate myself for saying these things when I was younger because now I’m so stressed about it. Please help. Am I trans for these things? Because I used to think there might be a possibility or myself being trans because I was kinda tomboyish but I never worried about it. It was just something that crossed my mind. I liked dressing masculine and looking masculine too. I remember when this whole ocd thing hit full on I clearly remember thinking “ohh this is really similar to when I had murder thoughts”. I really hope it’s ocd. Fuck this is ruining EVERYTHING. I hate this so much.

Sexual Orientation OCD

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

For themes like ours, the past is always going to contain “evidence” that supports our fears. Looking back to the past for answers is actually a compulsion in this case and I’d encourage you to stay out of it. If you find yourself ruminating over the past, turn the scenario into a statement rather than a judgment: “in the past I said I was trans. But that doesn’t mean I am or am not trans today.” Always lead with uncertainty with OCD. You will never be able to 100% “prove” things one way or the other.

Reptile

Date posted: 5y

I have TOCD as well. It ALWAYS reaches toward my past as proof. It’ll tell me the times I was attracted to women I actually wanted to be them. Then I get thrown into a tailspin. It’s awful.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thank you guys so much! I’m so glad I’ve downloaded this app. Right now I’m at a stage where I’m concerned with the thought “am I just in denial? Am I faking this whole OCD thing?” I’m not anxious but these questions flow through my mind a lot. This has really helped me. I’m gonna ask my mom (when I get the courage lol) to get me a therapist and hopefully get my life back together. Thanks again, I have zero regrets downloading this app. I love you all❤️

jmarrero27

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Hi my love, how are you now?

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I want to do therapy, but my parents are strictly against it and I can’t make my own decisions because I’m 15. The thing that really messes with me right now is my past and my actions that seem to prove that I’m trans. Thanks for helping

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

Also, since your parents won’t allow you to see a therapist, I’d suggest at least doing some reading on your own. There are some great OCD workbooks out there that can help you tackle this on your own: https://ocdla.com/ocdreadings

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Thanks for helping! But I don’t forcefully think of my past. My brain just goes “hey remember that one time you.......” and so on. I’m just really scared it’s not OCD. Telling myself statements doesn’t help that much but I’m still trying. I really want to get this over with. This is the only thing I worry about. I’ve heard so many people on here tell me that it’s OCD and that I’ll be fine but I have a never ending doubt in my mind. This whole thing started when I was on vacation and the thought just hit me. There was no buildup to the thought. It just came with no prior warning. I’m really scared and I panic a lot but sometimes I just feel numb. I’m scared of everything in the future. I got a homework assignment asking the question “how do you see yourself 10 years from now?” and I couldn’t think about it without going “you’re gonna be a guy 10 years from now.” This is messing my brain up. I can concentrate on my everyday life, my schoolwork, my homework and my daily tasks but the anxiety is always there. The thought always comes back to me. When I get one of these thoughts I immediately go “no!” and grab my head in my hands. Talking about it makes me feel a little better but it always comes back.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

It tells me I’m dating my bf just cause I wanna look like him

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

Are you currently in therapy? Have you seen an OCD specialist and started ERP? Everything you’ve said here seems like a clear indication of OCD to me, but just knowing it’s OCD isn’t enough to heal. You need treatment. Once you’ve gone through ERP with a specialist you can certainly do it on your own, but I’d encourage professional help the first time and especially when a theme is getting out of control, like it sounds like it is now. I have trans OCD as well and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s a terrible feeling and I know that the world and your mind seem to be turning against you right now, but there is a way out with treatment.

jmarrero27

Date posted: 1y

@pureolife Hey, how are you know?

pureolife

Date posted: 1y

@jmarrero27 Hi there! I’m guessing you’re checking in because you also have this theme hah. I am doing great in terms of my ocd. While I still get the occasional intrusive thought about it, it really doesn’t affect my day to day life. Therapy with an ocd specialist was a lifesaver. And it’s helped me navigate other themes since.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

Sorry that was long. But it feels good to spill out feelings like that. I just wish I could have a different obsession.

pureolife

Date posted: 5y

Ah I see. So these connections to the past ARE your intrusive thoughts. Restructuring and reframing thoughts will still be helpful. It’s a basic practice in CBT. If you do get a workbook for OCD, you’ll be asked to identify the cognitive distortion of your thoughts and reframe them. Over time it does slowly change the nature of your thoughts and your reactions to them. As far as saying “no!” to the thoughts: that’s called thought stopping and it actually has the opposite effect :/ it will make the thoughts come up more often. I’d encourage a more mindful approach: acknowledge, allow, refocus. “I’m having the thought that I’ll be a guy in 10 years from now. I’m allowing it to be there without reacting with compulsions. Now I will refocus on what’s in front of me.” And just let the anxiety dissipate on its own. At first, this may make your anxiety higher. But it will drop and is the only way to really deal with these thoughts in the long run. If you haven’t read this article yet, it does a great job at demonstrating how TOCD and actually being trans differ. https://medium.com/@jemima.s/tocd-why-we-re-seeing-transgender-themes-in-cases-of-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-bf4b869a3817 if you’re like me maybe you’ve already read it a ton of times. And in that case, you don’t need to. I don’t want it to be reassurance, just information. I am seeing an OCD specialist and was formally diagnosed a few months ago. Everything you describe sounds very similar to my experience and the experiences of those on this community with their own themes. Do try to get a few books to get you started. You may not have every resource available to you, but you have that. You may also have to push your parents a bit for help and perhaps convince them over time. Sometimes the first time we ask doesn’t land and just needs repeating. You don’t even have to tell them about your theme. Just that you’re suffering with your mental health and would like to see someone for professional help to get back to your best self.

uzro

Date posted: 5y

I’m going through it right now, tough shit but acceptance will always take you to the other side of fear, it will take time

Ellie.

Date posted: 25w

I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

Relationship OCD

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 25w

Pls I need advice

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

aubreyvm

Date posted: 21w

TOCD

This is so extremely difficult, i’ve never experienced having thoughts of being a different gender. i’ve always been comfortable being a girl. i’ve always been a girly girl. this all started a couple months ago and it’s increasingly getting worse. i’ve had times where i didn’t like my body but i always thought i could just go to the gym and fix it, never did i think i wanted to be a man. ever since these thoughts started i hate looking at myself in the mirror, i hate looking at my body, i’m aware of my breasts all day everyday, i can’t look at pictures/ videos of myself. from the moment i wake up to the second i go to sleep i have these thoughts. i’m in a panic EVERYDAY. i don’t want to be trans but my thoughts are convincing me i do. i’ve never bat an eye when someone calls me a girl but now it’s like i’m aware of it which i hate. i hate that i’m having these thoughts & it’s convincing me that i want them & that i have to just come out and change. i want to be able to go back to being comfortable as a girl. this has left me feeling so hopeless and depressed, i can’t help but cry every day. has anyone else felt like their whole world was turned upside down?

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