Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

This shit is RUINING my relationship! I’m so FUCKING done with this. I think I have trans ocd but my past actions are messing with me because a couple of times in the past I said that I was trans. Like without thinking. And I’ve joked about being a boy in the past because I’m not very girly. I’m a tomboy. I’d say I was trans because I somehow thought it was cool or something. Well I’ve never hated being a girl. As a kid I was really girly like REALLY girly. I hate the thought of being trans and right now I’m going through so much anxiety. I have a boyfriend and I love him a lot but if I do turn out trans it will ruin everything. I never lay awake thinking about being a boy. I never cried or was sad because I’m a girl. I hate myself for saying these things when I was younger because now I’m so stressed about it. Please help. Am I trans for these things? Because I used to think there might be a possibility or myself being trans because I was kinda tomboyish but I never worried about it. It was just something that crossed my mind. I liked dressing masculine and looking masculine too. I remember when this whole ocd thing hit full on I clearly remember thinking “ohh this is really similar to when I had murder thoughts”. I really hope it’s ocd. Fuck this is ruining EVERYTHING. I hate this so much.

Sexual Orientation OCD

pureolife

Date posted: 6y

For themes like ours, the past is always going to contain “evidence” that supports our fears. Looking back to the past for answers is actually a compulsion in this case and I’d encourage you to stay out of it. If you find yourself ruminating over the past, turn the scenario into a statement rather than a judgment: “in the past I said I was trans. But that doesn’t mean I am or am not trans today.” Always lead with uncertainty with OCD. You will never be able to 100% “prove” things one way or the other.

Reptile

Date posted: 6y

I have TOCD as well. It ALWAYS reaches toward my past as proof. It’ll tell me the times I was attracted to women I actually wanted to be them. Then I get thrown into a tailspin. It’s awful.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Thank you guys so much! I’m so glad I’ve downloaded this app. Right now I’m at a stage where I’m concerned with the thought “am I just in denial? Am I faking this whole OCD thing?” I’m not anxious but these questions flow through my mind a lot. This has really helped me. I’m gonna ask my mom (when I get the courage lol) to get me a therapist and hopefully get my life back together. Thanks again, I have zero regrets downloading this app. I love you all❤️

jmarrero27

Date posted: 1y

@Anonymous Hi my love, how are you now?

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

I want to do therapy, but my parents are strictly against it and I can’t make my own decisions because I’m 15. The thing that really messes with me right now is my past and my actions that seem to prove that I’m trans. Thanks for helping

pureolife

Date posted: 6y

Also, since your parents won’t allow you to see a therapist, I’d suggest at least doing some reading on your own. There are some great OCD workbooks out there that can help you tackle this on your own: https://ocdla.com/ocdreadings

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Thanks for helping! But I don’t forcefully think of my past. My brain just goes “hey remember that one time you.......” and so on. I’m just really scared it’s not OCD. Telling myself statements doesn’t help that much but I’m still trying. I really want to get this over with. This is the only thing I worry about. I’ve heard so many people on here tell me that it’s OCD and that I’ll be fine but I have a never ending doubt in my mind. This whole thing started when I was on vacation and the thought just hit me. There was no buildup to the thought. It just came with no prior warning. I’m really scared and I panic a lot but sometimes I just feel numb. I’m scared of everything in the future. I got a homework assignment asking the question “how do you see yourself 10 years from now?” and I couldn’t think about it without going “you’re gonna be a guy 10 years from now.” This is messing my brain up. I can concentrate on my everyday life, my schoolwork, my homework and my daily tasks but the anxiety is always there. The thought always comes back to me. When I get one of these thoughts I immediately go “no!” and grab my head in my hands. Talking about it makes me feel a little better but it always comes back.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

It tells me I’m dating my bf just cause I wanna look like him

pureolife

Date posted: 6y

Are you currently in therapy? Have you seen an OCD specialist and started ERP? Everything you’ve said here seems like a clear indication of OCD to me, but just knowing it’s OCD isn’t enough to heal. You need treatment. Once you’ve gone through ERP with a specialist you can certainly do it on your own, but I’d encourage professional help the first time and especially when a theme is getting out of control, like it sounds like it is now. I have trans OCD as well and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know it’s a terrible feeling and I know that the world and your mind seem to be turning against you right now, but there is a way out with treatment.

jmarrero27

Date posted: 1y

@pureolife Hey, how are you know?

pureolife

Date posted: 1y

@jmarrero27 Hi there! I’m guessing you’re checking in because you also have this theme hah. I am doing great in terms of my ocd. While I still get the occasional intrusive thought about it, it really doesn’t affect my day to day life. Therapy with an ocd specialist was a lifesaver. And it’s helped me navigate other themes since.

Anonymous

Date posted: 6y

Sorry that was long. But it feels good to spill out feelings like that. I just wish I could have a different obsession.

pureolife

Date posted: 6y

Ah I see. So these connections to the past ARE your intrusive thoughts. Restructuring and reframing thoughts will still be helpful. It’s a basic practice in CBT. If you do get a workbook for OCD, you’ll be asked to identify the cognitive distortion of your thoughts and reframe them. Over time it does slowly change the nature of your thoughts and your reactions to them. As far as saying “no!” to the thoughts: that’s called thought stopping and it actually has the opposite effect :/ it will make the thoughts come up more often. I’d encourage a more mindful approach: acknowledge, allow, refocus. “I’m having the thought that I’ll be a guy in 10 years from now. I’m allowing it to be there without reacting with compulsions. Now I will refocus on what’s in front of me.” And just let the anxiety dissipate on its own. At first, this may make your anxiety higher. But it will drop and is the only way to really deal with these thoughts in the long run. If you haven’t read this article yet, it does a great job at demonstrating how TOCD and actually being trans differ. https://medium.com/@jemima.s/tocd-why-we-re-seeing-transgender-themes-in-cases-of-obsessive-compulsive-disorder-bf4b869a3817 if you’re like me maybe you’ve already read it a ton of times. And in that case, you don’t need to. I don’t want it to be reassurance, just information. I am seeing an OCD specialist and was formally diagnosed a few months ago. Everything you describe sounds very similar to my experience and the experiences of those on this community with their own themes. Do try to get a few books to get you started. You may not have every resource available to you, but you have that. You may also have to push your parents a bit for help and perhaps convince them over time. Sometimes the first time we ask doesn’t land and just needs repeating. You don’t even have to tell them about your theme. Just that you’re suffering with your mental health and would like to see someone for professional help to get back to your best self.

uzro

Date posted: 6y

I’m going through it right now, tough shit but acceptance will always take you to the other side of fear, it will take time

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 25w

It’s real now

I’m sobbing right now. I’m convinced that I’ve been in denial all along and that it’s all real. It has to be now. I don’t wanna be a boy but I feel like there’s no way I’m not one if I’m doing these things. There’s no way I’m a cis girl if I’m doing these things. I’m so fucking done with life I feel absolutely trapped. I don’t wanna be a man but fuuuuuuuuck I think it’s real now I’m so fcking done with living. I really feel like I’ve been using OCD as an excuse/a cover up and I’m scared it’s all a facade. There’s no way it’s not real now I’m literally so fcking scared I want it all to stop. If anyone has advice please send some my way. I need it badly

sofiaraaah7

Date posted: 15w

TOCD and very light SO-OCD

I wouldn’t really say I have SO-OCD, but it manifests in some areas of my TOCD. Like if I see a woman for example my thoughts will go “what if I like her but as a man?” like my thoughts say I’m a straight man instead of a straight woman. And it’s really bothering me. If I see an attractive woman my brain will re-wire and imagine myself as a man looking at an attraction woman and it gets super uncomfortable that I have to like shake my head and say “no no no no no” multiple times to get the thought out. I know that counts as a compulsion but it’s hard to not do it because it’s so triggering. Now I don’t mind if I like women, however I’m really scared that I’m actually a straight man who likes women (or at least a bisexual man, considering I like men) and I hate it because I don’t want to be a man. Like I’ll think of my desired relationship as a woman dating a man but my OCD will switch it up to me being the man dating the woman, which is the opposite of what I want. I don’t want to be a man at all and I don’t want to date a woman, both of those are the opposite of my desires, but I’m still so scared. I’ll accept myself if I actually like women and am a bisexual woman, however I heard that being bisexual can mean being trans which scares me (for the record it was said in reddit by a sub which is mainly focused on a pseudoscientific phenomenon, that is still believed by the members to be true, so it’s definitely not a trustworthy statement, but my OCD will use anything to work against me) Does anyone here relate a little? 🥲

LiaExe28

Date posted: 10w

Anxious - long post

Hi all it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if it’s cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and it’s making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. I’ve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but I’ve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When I’m not on birth control. I’ve been on birth control since October of last year and hadn’t had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now it’s back again. I’ve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik it’s bad, I just didn’t know who to turn to) Rn I’m just really in my head about my gender and I’m anxious and crying and I just don’t feel good. Context for tonight’s thought I was doing my skincare, I’ve been trying to develop a routine cuz I’m bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. I’ve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of “what if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz I’m trans? What if the reason I’ve been depressed lately is cuz I’m slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?” When in fact I think the issue is: I haven’t seen my bf in a month and a bjt. I’ve been bleeding for 11 days. I’m in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz I’m in pre med and I’ve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. I’ll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while I’m home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And I’m worried I’m trans. I’m worried I’m a lesbian or smthn. I’m worried I don’t love my bf deeply enough and it’s all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. I’ve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didn’t fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now I’m worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But I’m so scared that I’m “not letting the TV glow” like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now I’m worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but I’m not. I don’t think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if it’s just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical “drown out the noise” tv shows won’t load properly cuz of our new wifi and it’s really irritating me. What if I’ve been lying every time I try to do a “are you trans/genderfluid/non binary?” quiz. What if I’ve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasn’t with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. I’d still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. I’d try out new styles like I want to rn with him. I’m just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I don’t think it would. Idk. I’m just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.

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