Has anyone else experienced this (religious ocd)

I have a question for other people with Religious OCD or anyone that can help. Is it normal to feel guilty about not praying, worshiping, reading, etc enough? I struggle everyday feeling like I’m not doing enough and i also struggle to feel God’s presence. Like if I’m doing something or just relaxing enjoying myself I get this feeling like I could read right now and do more. I normally read at night before bed because its the time I’m most alone and not around family (I just like the be able to be personal with God) but when i wait till bed i get this feeling that I’m doing something wrong like that i should have done it at a different time and it would be better. And then I start worrying I’m not putting God first when i try to but i alway fall short. I try to pray every time before I eat, pray generally throughout the day and before bed. I try to listen to Christian music when i can but when i chose sometimes to listen to older music even though there isn’t anything wrong with the songs I feel so guilty because I should have listen to Christian music. I also feel guilty when i enjoy a gift or get a paycheck because its like i don’t want to put anything before God and i don’t want to enjoy this thing because its of the world in a way. Its materialistic. I try to read at least a devotional and the verse of the day and any verses that go along with the devotional i try to take to heart. I do that daily unless I absolutely cant i don’t normally miss a day of that ( i know devotions cant replace reading the Bible by yourself. I try to read like more of the Bible daily but reading the Bible itself sometimes triggers me to worry so Im slowly trying to get into more of my own personal study) I’m really lost in what to do. My anxiety was doing better and i was able to feel God. But for a past few months its been dead I don’t know if I’m worrying to much or something. I try to get into the Bible but everything has become so much more stressful because of how much I worry about how I’m doing in my walk as a Christian. Its like i want to feel God and i want to be better so bad but it wont happen. I know i cant earn anything i just don’t know how to do better. I know i could read more everyone could but what if im not doing it right or just not enough heart put into reading. I have tried but im not sure what to do.

I’m a Christian, but my OCD makes it feel like I’m always disappointing God. I deal with scrupulosity. I remember signing the cross compulsively throughout the night to where I was in physical pain. But the doctrines of, “God died on the cross for you. Stop being in ungrateful.” I was doing this because I had a bracelet with a cross on it, and when I moved my arm in a certain direction it would be an upside down cross. The filthy feeling I felt was so bad, that i felt like it was going being a demon into the room if I didn’t pray. I spent that whole night signing the cross in tears. Then the next morning I got up like nothing happened. I still deal with forms of this. Like feeling God is going to punish me if I sin. So if a bad thing happens in the day, I blame myself. For example, if I listened to a sing with a curse word in it, I would blame myself for things going wrong later in the day. I still do. Not to mention the things I restrict myself from to please Him. Even though I know He is already pleased with me. There is nothing like the depression and dissatisfaction of feeling like a you did something wrong while everyone else can do that same thing freely. I can’t tell the difference between my OCD and conviction. Can any fellow Christians help me out, and give me tips. I already know Jesus loves me, but merely being told that doesn’t help anything.

In the past, I used to pray 100 times out of fear that God would punish me by giving me or someone I love cancer, or worse. Even though I got out of that compulsion, I still fear God. I pray for my entire family every night out of fear that if I don't, God will kill someone close to me or kill me. During Bible study today, my mom essentially explained that people who don't truly believe in God won't be protected by God. I'm essentially Agnostic, because I'm convinced that if God does exist he hates me. I feel trapped. On one hand I feel like If I stop praying or believing in him then he will make my life worse than it already is. But I have OCD, an eating disorder, I suffer so much in so many aspects of my life and I worry the reason is because God hates me. I'm scared one or these days he's going to push me to my last straw. Does anyone have a similar experience?